A Muslim Guy Promised Marriage, Then Left Me

05 October, 2017
Q Hi. I am a Hindu girl. I loved a Muslim guy. At the beginning, he was very affectionate with me. He has done so many things for me. We have decided to marry. He always said his mom would take care of me like a mother. I felt very happy. The day we decided to marry I thought to change my religion to marry him. I have decided to sacrifice everything for him. One day, due to some misunderstandings, I have told him to break up. He's very emotional. He rushed to his mum and told everything about us. She started keeping restrictions. I don't know what happened that day to him. He slightly got changed from that day. Recently, he got some health problem - stones in kidney – and from that day he has totally changed. Now he's ignoring me. I have asked him to marry, but he rejected saying that he doesn't want to marry me. I feel depressed. I am fasting for him for a month and I thought to visit Dargah for him to change him. Please, suggest me other ways to get my love back. Please, I can't live without him. Please, make dua for me. I don't know how to pray. Please help.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

“We, Muslims believe that everything happens for a reason and this is for our benefit even if we, with the limited capacity of our mind, cannot see it. Why would you spend even a minute with someone who is not serious about taking the responsibility of being your husband? It will take some time to move on, but remember that time heals the scars.”


Peace Be Upon You dear sister,

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. You must be going through hard days. You seem to really love this man to the extent that, as you said, you were ready to sacrifice everything for him. Although this shows your dedication to this man, to be frank, letting your emotions alone to lead you when you are about to make one of the biggest decisions in your life is not wise.

Despite what Western films are trying to make us believe, marriage is not only about love and attraction. For a marriage to work in the long run, you need to also think rationally when choosing your spouse. First of all, you need to know yourself, your aims, and needs well. Secondly, you need to have specific conversations with the man you intend to marry to discover whether you are a good match. Thirdly, you need to also consider the circumstances and the pros and cons of marrying the person – which in your case is crucial as you are from two different religious/cultural background. This can lead to serious clashes between the two families which might affect your marriage as well.

Interfaith Marriages

First of all, you need to consider that in Islam a Muslim man can only marry a Muslim or a Christian or a Jewish woman.

“This day [all] good foods have been made lawful, and the food of those who were given the Scripture is lawful for you and your food is lawful for them. And [lawful in marriage are] chaste women from among the believers and chaste women from among those who were given the Scripture before you, when you have given them their due compensation, desiring chastity, not unlawful sexual intercourse or taking [secret] lovers. And whoever denies the faith – his work has become worthless, and he, in the Hereafter, will be among the losers.” (5:5)

Thus, I am wondering about this guy’s sincerity to marry you. Why did he indulge in a relationship with you in the first place when Islamically he knew he would not be allowed to marry you unless you seriously and truly felt Islam was the right path for you and you reverted.

What’s even stranger is that his mother knew about this relationship and seemingly accepted it despite (probably) knowing that not only marrying a Hindu girl is prohibited in Islam, but any form of pre-marital relationship as well. Maybe, he and his family are simply not religious people and didn’t care about this rule, so he, in fact, wanted to marry you.

Another possible reason is that as they saw you being in love with this man so much, they thought you would convert to Islam before the marriage – as you mentioned that you were indeed thinking of converting to Islam.

Obviously, as a Muslim myself, I would love to hear that you did convert to Islam. But I must advise you to never make such a big decision for the sake of a man. I encourage you sister to separate converting to Islam from marriage. I encourage you to study Islam, read books about it, join Muslim FB groups for sisters, visit a local mosque, if possible and pour all your questions on the imam or knowledgeable Muslims you find there.

Learn first and then convert to Islam when you feel inside that this is the true path you want to follow. I also recommend exploring the website of Aboutislam. You can ask all your questions (see Ask about Islam) as well as find many beneficial articles.

Characteristics of a Potential Husband

What also concerns me is his sudden change of mind over the marriage. He first made you believe that despite possible social obstacles, he was going to marry you. He even introduced you or the idea of marrying you to his mother. Then a fight happened between you, and although what you said was hurtful and could be understood as a lack of dedication to the marriage, he completely cut you off and no longer wants to marry you. This also makes me believe that he didn’t really want to marry you in the first place.

Is this a characteristic of a husband you want to live the rest of your life with? Someone who gives up on the most valuable human relationship, a marriage, that easily? I believe, it’s better that you go through this pain now than later when you are married and possibly have children as well.

You see, dear sister, this is why Islam imposes restrictions on the interaction between men and women so that you don’t end up feeling betrayed and heartbroken. Even marriages can go wrong leaving you heartbroken; why would you give the chance to experience such pain unnecessarily? Why would you spend even a minute with someone who is not serious about taking the responsibility of being your husband?

Moving On

So, dear sister, as he completely rejects the idea of marrying you, I advise you to move on. You cannot force anyone to marry you. Have your dignity and do not run for someone who does not want you.

I am not sure what Hinduism says, but in Islam, Muslims are encouraged to trust in the Creator who knows what’s best for us. We, Muslims believe that everything happens for a reason and this is for our benefit even if we, with the limited capacity of our mind, cannot see it.

In such a case like yours, a Muslim would think that this happened because this guy was not suitable for her. Maybe, if you married him, you would suffer from your families’ reaction. Maybe he would turn out to be an abuser. So, alhamdulillah that this happened and make du’aa’ that you find someone else who is more suitable for you.

It will take some time to move on, but remember that time heals the scars. Delete all messages or pictures you have from him. Stop checking his social media profiles and never contact him again. Instead, fill your time with beneficial activities. Focus on your studies; be with your friends, and do things that make you happy. Here you find 10 tips how to move on after a breakup.

This is a perfect time also to learn about Islam; read some books or talk to Muslims about their faith.

Pre-Marital Education

For the next time someone comes to you with a marriage proposal, I strongly advise you to take steps to prepare for your marriage, starting with learning about yourself. What aims do you have in life? What are the characteristics you cannot imagine your husband without? Where do you want to live? When do you want to have children? …etc. There are many articles and books available on how to prepare for a marriage. We have also a pre-marital checklist before you say ‘I do’. You can also find – I think even locally – pre-marital courses you can take alone or with your potential husband together. It will be really beneficial for you, in sha’ Allah!

So, be strong, dear sister. Learn about Islam, focus on your studies and enjoy your single life. J It seems this man was not a good match for you.

If he was serious pertaining to you and practicing his religion, he would have approached you respectfully, treated you with kindness, and sought your parents’ permission for marriage rather than carry on with you in inappropriate ways. If he was a practicing Muslim, he would not leave you hanging like this. He would respectfully tell you what is going on and why he has distanced himself.  This is not how Muslims are to conduct themselves with others. I am sorry that you have experienced otherwise.

Be thankful that he is no longer in your life and start preparing for the time when someone will truly care about you, respect you want to marry you.

If you have any further question, please contact us again,

Answer supervised by Dr. Aisha Muhammad-Swan

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more: