Everyone knows of our relationship, and some even thought that we were engaged. He made me a better person, encouraging me constantly to follow a good, straight path, observe modesty and repent for our sins. He went on Umrah every year, tried his best to pray 5 times a day, read the translation of the Quran and tried to research in to religion as best as he could and encouraged me to do the same. He took care of me and spoke to me like a wife. I supported and respected him like a husband. His family is conservative so I did not have a job, because I expected to be his housewife in the future.
After 4.5 years of dating, my family told me to talk to him about marriage. My mother and some other family members knew about him; they approved of him and encouraged me to marry him. The boy’s entire family knew about me. He spoke to his family about our marriage. But they rejected me.
My father is not well off. I am not very in touch with my paternal family (dadiyaal) due to family issues. The boy’s family, being traditional and conventional, looks at the social standing and the respect of a girl’s dadiyaal. They always hoped to marry him into a family with a strong business background which I do not have. Although my maternal family (Naniyaal) is reputable and well settled, they said that I am not recognized by my Naniyaal; my Dadiyaal is my identity. His father strictly ended the topic saying our lifestyles were too different and we would not match. He convinced his mother to have an Istikhara done.
They approached their family’s mawlawi (Islamic scholar) for istikhara. The result was negative, the mawlawi said it was a very bad match and would cause bankruptcy in the future. He did an Istikhara himself and the result was negative. He did not tell me clearly, but said that he received some Ayat indicating ‘Hell’. He said maybe it was from Surah Qasas. He said after two negative Istikharas there was no way that he would ever try to pursue this topic or this relationship ever again. Although he is heartbroken, he believes this to be the decision of God. I read somewhere that you can proceed even after a negative Istikhara after giving sadqah, but he believes it to be a final unchangeable statement. And even if we did overlook the Istikhara – his family still doesn’t approve. They MAY have approved if the Istikhara was positive.
Ever since the relationship ended, I have changed my way of life. I have been repenting for my sins and have thrown myself into prayer and worshipping Allah completely. I cry and beg Allah to forgive our sins. My Dua is that Allah joins me in a lawful Nikkah with this boy so that we may start over. After 4.5 years of being with him, I do not want to marry someone else as I feel this will be like cheating on another man as I cannot remove the memory of this boy completely. I feel confused. Should I pray and wait for this boy in hope that Allah will accept my prayer, or should I move on turn my heart to stone and try to block him out?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Piety should be the most sought-after quality; however, various cultures and families put emphasis on other things.
• You are both grown, you are both adults, and you are free to marry, if you wish, despite parental objection – as long as the Islamic requirements are met.
• Make istikharah.
As Salamu ‘Alaikum,
Thank you for writing us. Alhumdulillah, dear sister, you have repented for your sins, and you continue on the right path. May Allah (swt) make it easy for you.
Situations such as these are never easy. I understand that you want to marry him now in a lawful way and that it is hard removing the memory of him. These are human emotions and normal feelings. Please be assured, sister, that Allah (swt) loves you very much and wants the best for you. However, we are tested and tried as to our faith. Trust in Allah (swt) that whatever the outcome, it is in your best interest.
While you stated he “treated you like a wife”, my question is: why didn’t he make you his wife then and make the relationship halal? Also, his parents rejected you for rather un-Islamic reasons. Surely, piety should be the most sought after quality; however, various cultures and families put emphasis on other things. Sadly, there is little one can do to change a parent’s mind.
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You stated he made you a better person. However, while it may be true in some regards, he also led you to engage in sinful behavior. Yes, you had a choice and that is yours alone, but when someone truly cares about you, they will not lead you to sin or encourage you to participate. We all make mistakes and sin, but this was going on for 4 years. The boy should have married you then. But that is now in the past, and you are on a fresh page, my dear precious sister.
As you desire to marry him, and his parents desire that he marries someone else, there is little you can do. The only thing I want to mention here is that you are both grown, you are both adults, and you are free to marry, if you wish, despite parental objection – as long as the Islamic requirements are met.
You spoke of Istikharah, and I was wondering whether you actually did Istikharah. Istikharah enables the relevant people to make a decision which is good for them in this world, or the hereafter, or both. That is why you should make Istikharah yourself and not rely on another person to make it for you, even if it is someone as close to you as your own mother. Ultimately, it is your life the decision will affect.
As others have made Istikharah concerning your marriage, who are not in favor of your marriage, possibly the outcome was influenced by this (again, I am not a scholar). For instance, they asked the mawlawi to do it, and his response was “it was a very bad match and would cause bankruptcy in the future”. This, however, would apply to your friend as it is a man’s duty to support his wife, not yours or your families. Hence, it is very important for you to make Istikharah, and try to make it without preconceived wishes or wants. This is hard, I know, but your mind must be clear.
If you have further questions on Istikharah, please submit to our “Ask the Scholar” section. I do encourage you though sister to make your own Istikharah.
Lastly, I ask that you think about this very hard. Do you really want to be married into a family who does not like or respect you? Sadly, it could cause problems within such a marriage if the husband was to side with his family and turn on you.
Often times, Allah (swt) in His infinite wisdom puts people in our lives to teach us hard lessons, to bring us closer to Him (swt), or to change the course of our lives. I suggest, sister, that whatever the outcome, try to accept it, move on, stay close to Allah (swt), keep your prayers; and study Qur’an for knowledge and guidance. Make du’aa’ for Allah (swt) to guide your direction in life and keep you from things which are harmful to your religion and faith.
You are in our prayers, dear sister. Please let us know how things are.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.