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Worried For My Mum: How Can I Help Her?

11 November, 2023
Q As-salaamu 'alaykum, I'm the daughter writing for the sake of my mother, who is married to a narcissist (my father). I'm not going to go into the details, but he belittles her, treats her like a servant, speaks ill of her, shames her in front of his family to gain their favour. etc., and since his family is full of problems, he and they talk all the time about other people's sins and all (my mother, even though she dislikes talking about people she keeps being influenced by him, but that's just the big picture.

When it comes to my mother, she tries her best to be a better Muslim every day, but she lacks self-esteem. and she lets other people treat her badly, and her boundaries are always crossed (for her family too) and she thinks that she's gaining Hassanah by doing that. Letting people walk all over her, she says that Allah loves these people.

She prefers to let my father and the others treat her badly, and she keeps thinking that, even when I try, I can't change her way of thinking (maybe it's a coping mechanism), but she's so used to it that she can't even hope for the better, she has no dreams for a better life, no need to be respected.

She also thinks that it's Allah's wish to put her here because, before she married him, she begged Allah to go far from her family, and she says that her dua was answered.

I see this treatment every day, and it hurts and angers me because I know that she deserves better, but she keeps on deceiving herself over what Allah wants for her.

I will be gone in a year, and I just don't feel like I will be at peace if I let her come here with this kind of mindset.

She asks me when I try to tell her to make boundaries: "Do you want me to divorce?" And honestly, yes, I want it for her, but she thinks that she's too old to divorce when she's just in her 50s. It's already been more than 20 years since she's been with him.

I know that I can't change people if they don't want to, but she's the only one who I truly care about.

I want to know if her point of view is valid and if it's really Allah's will. And if not, what can I do to help her see the light?


It is very essential to recognise that the root issue may lie in your mother’s self-esteem and confidence, stemming from a lifelong pattern of negative reinforcement.

Help her to open up about the things that she loves and appreciates about herself. Remind her that Allah (SWT) created her with so much love. He does not create mistakes, nor has he made us humans to be walked over, abused, or disrespected.

📚 Read Also: A Narcissistic Father: How Can I Help My Mom?

Approach the conversation with love, helping her recognize her self-worth and engaging in activities like journaling to list positive aspects about herself. Emphasize Allah’s creation and the importance of self-respect.

Encourage her and develop a supportive and loving dialogue to guide her during her self-discovery and setting healthy boundaries.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.