I’m Scared of Marriage Due to Childhood Traumas

25 July, 2021
Q Salam!

I am a 35-year-old female. Ever since I was a young girl, I have dreamt of getting married. Growing up, I had a very high libido to the point where it made me feel very ashamed.

I grew up having a lot of crushes on guys but because I was religious I only confessed to a few. I always had trouble with social situations, often not knowing what to say when, whether in relationships or friendships.

I went to college and got to know two guys, but it didn’t last more than 7 months. Because I didn’t want to do anything haram the moment I realized it wouldn’t work out with them.

I must admit I wasn’t the most pious college student, but I knew right from wrong. After years of feeling a certain disconnect from people because of what I think is autism, I decided to dedicate myself to working on myself.

I encountered a yoga and meditation organization, and I felt that I was becoming clear about certain things in my life. I was working through some of my early childhood traumas.

I ended up finding out that the organization I was with was a cult and I haven’t been the same ever since. This experience haunted me for months and years even as I questioned my sincerity to my religion and my core and essence.

I got closer to the Quran and pray regularly and spent years wanting to do nothing but pray. I didn’t feel the same about myself and about other humans.

I felt the trust that I was starting to develop vanished in a matter of days (after I found out I was part of a yoga cult). I have come along day and feel that Islam has become a very crucial part of me.

I continued to work on my attachment issues and often feel I don’t need anyone. I sometimes think to myself that it would be nice to not grow old alone.

But if I look at who I’ve become, I wonder if I’ll be able to emotionally and sexually be present for another human being, let alone little human beings.

I often feel very alien. Even my sex drive has taken a dive, which I don’t mind some of the time.

I wonder if I should scratch the idea of marriage out of my mind because I wouldn’t be able to sexually satisfy the person I am with or even enjoy sex myself.

I got engaged to someone, but I felt anxious to continue with him because he wanted to get married quick and all the trauma and issues were coming to the surface.

Should I continue to think about marriage and pray for it, or I should just focus on other things?

I would be deceiving the other person into thinking I would be all in sexually when I truly have become guarded against any desires.

Answer

Salam Alaikum,

In this counseling answer, you will learn:

Take time and talk to people about marriage.

The better you know yourself, the better your next relationship is going to be.

If you marry a person you feel safe and emotionally comfortable with, this is the person you can build a physical, intimate relationship with.

The most important that you feel ready to open up emotionally to another person.

Continue working on yourself.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Megan Wyatt
Megan Wyatt is the founder of Wives of Jannah where she offers training programs, live workshops, and relationship coaching for wives and couples. She is a certified Strategic Intervention coach with specialized certifications for working with women and marital relationships and has been coaching and mentoring Muslims globally since 2008. She shares her passion for Islamic personal development in her Passionate Imperfectionist community. She is a wife and homeschooling mother with four children residing in Southern California.