Today I had a thought if only my mum had aborted/miscarriage than giving birth to me. They would have a way better life financially without me.
So here goes the story of my life. I have excelled academically during college in my home country, and was offered a place at a prestigious university abroad. Went abroad for studies but flopped at my studies.
I come from a low income family so my mum - the sole breadwinner, decided for me to take a loan to support my studies. My sister who was doing her phd at that time- also supported me financially.
Abroad was the best precious memory of mine only because I was closer to Allah, and opened my heart to forgiveness for my estranged father when I had so much resentment throughout childhood.
A blessing how I was able to forgive him. However I was less focused on my studies. Failed twice throughout my 4 years in uni. I was asked to withdraw. Spent 4 years wasted abroad and I'm now back in my home country starting from scratch in my local home university.
Right now, I'm almost graduating in a couple months where I'll be turning 29 years old. Technically I've e spent a total of 8 years just to earn an undergraduate degree, whilst my peers have all advanced in their career and financially stable - except me.
I feel I'm a big loser! You know why? I have a total of 100k debts upon graduation. Half the amount was from paying tuition fees when I was abroad.
Guilt suffocates me, and these emotions are kept deep within me. There's no one I could speak except that I shared with Allah during my night prayers. I wish my existence wasn't planned by Allah cause I know my mum and sister deep down felt it was a waste to invest in my education. Their life would have been financially better without me.
With covid and so much uncertainty, would I manage to secure a job upon graduation? To pay off debts. Will my life see no happiness and contentment in this world?
I feel embarrassed of my failure when I was once known to be a top student in my younger years. How stupid can I be? Will l live miserably paying my debts which probably will take me ages to repay off. I have no hope.
There isn't light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just digging mud all over again. At times, I feel Allah hears my dua but never answers anything I dearly wish for. Yet adding more anxiety and placing unwanted events in my life that I had to overcome.
I pray my emaan will never reach this low or get worse. This depression has taken a toll on me from time to time.I would appreciate your guidance and advice on my situation. Thank you.
In this counseling video:
I want to reassure you that your situation is not unique. Many people spent years studying but at the end they had to take a different career path due to personal problems they were going through.
Alhamdulillah sister, that this situation has helped you progress spiritually.
The best thing you can do is take the matter to Allah, which you already are doing.
Your family is not thinking of you as a failure, they are on your side. They will always be there to support you.
Focus on the positive things you have gained through this experience and leave all negativity.
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