I've always dreamed of having children after getting married, in shaa’ Allah. Unfortunately, I have lived a life full of sadness and heartbreak.
My family is full of people who are unhappy with themselves and their bodies, and project their insecurities on their children from a young age, causing them to become insecure.
I’ve never gotten over this. I am mentally scarred from bullying at school and at home, and life has just beaten me down far too many times.
When I read articles about kids getting raped and killed by strangers or bring bullied at school, it makes me not want to have children.
Not because I’m scared of childbirth or don’t see the joy in it, I do, but because of the cruel nature of the world.
I don’t want to bring a child into a world where people kill and torture others. I know that nothing will happen to any of us if Allah doesn’t plan it, but I just don’t think I'd be able to get over the heartache of something terrible happening to my child.
I rage when I see someone being treated unfairly. We’re all bound to experience heartbreak, and I don’t want to watch a child who was once completely happy and innocent become damaged one way or another. It’s fine if it’s me, but not my child.
My question is, what can I do? Should I forget about having a child if my paranoia will eat me alive? People say it’s a natural desire, but I don’t think everybody is emotionally capable.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
The world is not an easy place, but it’s important to remember we often only hear about what’s bad in the world.
There are always more good people, more good deeds, and more hearts full of faith than what will ever be reported. Yes, there is darkness, but there is light.
Having a child is your invitation not to try to smother them from the world and its hardships, but to prepare them both for it and the akhirah (afterlife).
Place your trust in Allah and know that everything that happens in life is an opportunity for every single one of us to come closer to Him.
Assalamu alaikum,
I think every parent on the planet can understand your fears and your feelings.
I remember when I held my firstborn daughter when she was less than a week old, and it hit me that I’d brought her into this big, scary, and often violent world.
I wept and wept and kissed her tiny cheeks. I imagined every scary scenario in the planet and for a moment I thought to myself, “What have I done?”
Your feelings are very common and your questions reflect a very caring heart and the desire to protect and raise children in a safe environment and in a loving and gentle home.
In fact, it reminds me of these verses from The Qur’an:
“And (remember) when your Lord said to the angels: “Verily, I am going to place (mankind) generations after generations on earth.” They said: “Will You place therein those who will make mischief therein and shed blood, – while we glorify You with praises and thanks (Exalted be You above all that they associate with You as partners) and sanctify You.” He (Allah) said: “I know that which you do not know.” (2:30)
Even the angels wondered about what would happen on earth knowing that human beings could cause so much harm and bloodshed.
What Allah also knew was how much beauty, goodness, kindness, and acts of worship human beings would also be capable of.
While the angels cannot do any harm, human beings could, as part of our free will.
Yet the magnificence of any human being is the decision to do good. To be good and to live a purposeful and meaningful life.
In essence, your question circles back to the reason we live and why we exist. The reason there is hardship and the reason there is ease in this life.
Hardships Have A Purpose
A loving parent would never want their children to receive any harm, and yet it is our hardships and challenges which teach and shape us the most.
It is part of the necessary path to truly knowing ourselves and, more importantly, knowing our Lord.
These are not easy words to say to you. As someone who has worked in the counseling field for a decade, I’ve heard many painful experiences from clients.
Some wounds helped them grow, and others are still aching and forcing them to grow now.
Knowing this intellectually doesn’t change the pain any parent would experience if their child is hurting in some way.
For the believer, however, it changes how we understand the purpose of hardship in this life.
Being A Parent Is Caring for A Soul You Name
If there wasn’t an akhirah (after-life), a Day of Judgment, and the eternal bliss of Jannah then none of what happens on earth would make any sense. It wouldn’t be fair if this life was just it.
But this life isn’t just it. This life is part of the journey of our soul. If you are meant to have children, it means that soul is already alive.
It has already known Allah and has existed and experienced other souls. This soul is on a journey, and part of that journey is this life.
Then, the next part of the journey will be in Jannah, in shaa’ Allah.
Being a parent means being given the soul that was meant to come into this dunyah and this earth, and to live the purpose for which Allah it and gave it life.
If you are not meant to be a parent, then you will not become one no matter how hard you try.
If you are meant to become a parent, then the soul of a child will be breathed into your womb once you become pregnant, and that soul will be given a name you choose.
That soul then is carried in a human body and becomes known as your child.
That child is now an additional part of your journey in this life and a pathway to earn the pleasure of Allah.
That child now becomes part of your own self-awareness and personal and spiritual development.
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You will teach them, but they will also teach you. You will seek to nurture and protect them, and one day it may be they are nurturing you and seeking to protect you.
A child is the gift of love and the expansion of the heart for you and for them.
A heart that then can know more about how Allah is Al-Wadud (the Most Loving) and Ar-Rahman (The Most Merciful).
With a child comes many gifts and blessings in your life. Those blessings and gifts are part of the natural design of being a human being.
Our children are also our own opportunity to change the world.
To raise them to be strong and righteous human beings who stand up for justice, don’t wrong others, and walk with both humility and leadership.
Having a child is your invitation not to try to smother them from the world and its hardships, but to prepare them both for it and the akhirah (afterlife).
It May Always Be A Bit Scary
The world is not an easy place, but it’s important to remember we often only hear about what’s bad in the world.
There are always more good people, more good deeds, and more hearts full of faith than what will ever be reported. Yes, there is darkness, but there is light.
Not having kids right now may be a wonderful opportunity for you to volunteer in a program that serves children who are going through a difficult time.
You could be part of that goodness and beauty in the world; to bring a smile to their face and be a part of the solution.
While it may always be scary to be a parent, it is also one of the most rewarding joys and blessings you will find in this life.
Place your trust in Allah and know that everything that happens in life is an opportunity for every single one of us to come closer to Him.
With this mindset, in shaa’ Allah, you will find a strength and resilience that supports you in times of fear and difficulty, and a heart that is bursting with gratitude in times of ease.
Salam,
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