I don't think there's a point in trying to live when no matter what I'll just go to hell. I have nobody and I know Allah hates me. I'm too halal for my friends but I'm too haram for the practicing sisters around me.
I used to think "I didn't ask to be here." But I found out in one surah that all of humanity did since we had a choice between being human and angel and we chose humans. So I basically chose to suffer and go to hell. I feel like all my efforts will go to waste and it's just so hard thinking about the reward of Jannah when I know I won't get it.
I'm pessimistic and I believe only the worst is yet to come. I'm so scared that I might end up dying a kafir or that I'll die with more bad deeds than good deeds. I know horrible things are coming my way because I'm undeserving of good things.
I don't want these feelings and I hate this fear of failure that I have. I just wanna have a peaceful life and Allah will be happy with me but it's impossible. I don't know what to do.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Look at their behaviour towards you. Is it possible that there are other possible explanations for their behaviour?
What evidence do you have to suggest that you are not a good person going to Hell? How about evidence that you won’t?
Keep yourself busy in useful activities that boost your self-esteem.
Spending time fretting over what you cannot change will only make things worse.
Instead, focus on those that you cca, find hope and trust in the Mercy of Allah and find hope.
Push such whispers aside and concentrate on the positive.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
It sounds like you are in a very bad place right now and possibly suffering with depression.
If you are still having these thoughts after a couple more weeks then please do go and see a doctor to confirm if you are indeed suffering from depression.
He will direct you to the best place to go to get support, whether medication would be necessary, and/or whether some kind of talking therapy would be available to you.
In the meantime, you can approach your situation in many ways to bring some ease, in sha Allah.
Beginning with the ways you can approach your situation from a psychological perspective.
Change your perspective
What evidence do you have to suggest that your friends think you are too ‘halal’ and that practicing sisters around you think you are too ‘haram’?
Have they made direct comments like this or is it just what you think they think?
Or is this your interpretation of their actions towards you?
I ask you to challenge yourself with these questions to see if there is any justification for such thoughts.
As humans we often misinterpret the behaviours of others.
If we are feeling negative towards ourself it wouldn’t be unusual to interpret the behaviour of others towards us as negative as a means to bring some congruency between the way we feel and what we are experiencing around us.
Look at their behaviour towards you. Is it possible that there are other possible explanations for their behaviour?
For example, is it because they don’t approach you that you feel that they don’t think well of you? If so, perhaps they are just shy.
Or perhaps they even think the same of you, that you dislike them too and that is why they don’t approach you.
This is just a simple example of how it’s very easy to misinterpret people’s actions as being far from what is actually intended.
Take some time to step back and consider other possible perspectives.
Contemplate on your good qualities
You are feeling very negative about yourself. Instead, contemplate your good qualities.
You say that your friends see you as too ‘halal’ for them. Therefore, you must have some good qualities.
What evidence do you have to suggest that you are not a good person going to Hell? How about evidence that you won’t?
Do things to boost your self esteem
Do things to make you feel good about yourself. Do something new and achieve new goals. Charity work is a great place to start.
This will make you feel good about yourself and will make you feel useful in the knowledge that you are doing something good and pleasing to Allah.
It will keep you busy in useful activities that boost your self-esteem.
This will also help to give you this sense of purpose and point in living which you currently feel is not there for you.
This will also reassure you of you good qualities and deserving of good things.
Additionally, will also give you the chance to mix with others like-minded people and make new friends.
You say you have no one at the moment and the ones you have you feel you don’t fit in with.
This will open your social network, as well as challenging your beliefs about existing friendships too.
Use this fear to better yourself
You are very fearful of going to Hell. This is frightening, as it is for us all.
It’s not necessarily a bad thing as it instills the fear of Allah in us.
However, we can also use this as a motivation to do all we can to escape it.
Do all you can to avoid sin to feel more confident that you are not displeasing Allah or doing things that might have you labelled as a kafir.
Can’t go back
You mention how we made the choice to come here to this dunya.
As much as you wish you hadn’t made this decision that you are not conscious of making before you were born, you are here now and have to live with this choice and make the most of it.
Now you are here you must endure the tests of this life and prove your faith to Allah to win your space in jannah back again.
Spending time fretting over what you cannot change will only make things worse.
Instead, focus on those that you cca, find hope and trust in the Mercy of Allah and find hope.
Never forget the Mercy of Allah. He is the most forgiving of only we continue to repent to Him, avoid sin and do our best to please Him.
‘As for those who believe in Allah and hold fast to Him, He will admit them into His mercy and grace and guide them to Himself through the Straight Path.’ (Qur’an, 4: 175)
Ignore shaytan
Thoughts like this may prevent you from doing good things with the belief that there is no point because you couldn’t possibly go to jannah and are destined to Hell and give up hope.
Push such whispers aside and concentrate on the positive.
Even if you are still feeling bad about yourself, at least begin by thinking of the good you are doing for others and how it will benefit them.
In sha Allah in time you will eventually feel better about yourself too when you see people benefitting from your work.
This will help you to overcome your defeatest feelings and bring you the peace you are looking for.
Summary
Sometimes people go through down patches where they feel like this.
Usually it is short-lived, but if it goes on for a period of time may indicate depression.
If you still feel like this in a couple of weeks, please do go and seek medical and/or psychological advise and get the appropriate treatment.
In the meantime, take time to consider the truths in what you are thinking as well as any alternative explanations, of which there are likely many.
Spend time focusing on your positive traits and the good things in your life.
Engage in meaningful activities to boost your self esteem and increase you good deeds.
May Allah bring you ease during these testing times and guide you to a path that will please Him and bring you happiness and success in this life and the next.
Salam,