The Best I can Do is to Marry Him and Become His Second Wife

22 August, 2020
Q I am a Muslim girl, unmarried, age 29, well educated and works as an engineer.

I was away from my parents for the past 10 years for education and a job. I haven’t had any relationship prior to that but recently, I had a relationship with a Muslim guy for the past 3 years and had committed Zina. The guy promised marriage before and later denied, saying he was not interested after this instance.

Afterwards we hardly talked over the phone and haven’t met. I am not sure but as far as I know he was good and had no prior relationship.

Now I gave him time and in this time a year went and now I came to know he got married. I am not sure what was the reason why he got married…but wanted to ask if he got married before sincere repentance then is this marriage valid?

Also in this 1 year I did tawba and did all sorts of good deeds as suggested by different scholars in educational videos. Such as practicing sabr (patience) and letting go but finding it hard. If I get married to another man and he comes to know about this sin it’s very difficult for a man to accept this and I don’t wanna take this risk.

Also looking now at the difficult situation and testimony happening in the world for mankind I fear Allah and I don’t want any such things for me, for him, and for our family. I think the best way is marrying him although he is married, and becoming his second wife. I am not taking anyone’s right as I can fully support myself.

I don’t want Allah’s punishment for me and most importantly for him as it is also a sin and huquq al ibad (he owes me this). I don’t know if he would be ready for this or not as he doesn’t want to hear from me, but I feel I must take steps or give him suggestions at least from my side.

Please suggest the best of best solutions so that I am wronging against anyone.

Answer


In this counseling session:

Masha Allah, you have been repenting and in sha Allah, He will forgive you. Part of this repentance should involve you doing everything you can to never turn to that sin again.

This relationship has caused a lot of hardships for you and was initiated and maintained in a way that is haram. 

His dishonesty and lack of consistency is concerning and I would worry that this will only continue and will have ongoing effects on your own well being and will prevent you moving forward.

You have the chance to free yourself from this sin by stepping away from its cause in search of something more permissible and pleasing to Allah. 

It will be hard to detach yourself from this relationship as you have had the chance to develop strong feelings for him, but with strength and determination for the sake of Allah it is possible. 


Assalamu alaikum sister, 

I will first begin by reassuring you that you have done the right thing following what has happened in the past by repenting and seeking Allah’s forgiveness. You recognize that what you did was sinful and are turning the matter to Allah. May Allah forgive you.

As a result of these actions however you are now facing the emotional consequences in moving forward and fear what the situation will mean for you in terms of finding a spouse and maintaining a marriage despite what has happened in the past. 

The Best I can Do is to Marry Him and Become His Second Wife - About Islam

Haram relationship

This relationship has caused a lot of hardship for you and was initiated and maintained in a way that is haram. The man seems to have been quite dishonest with you and has gone on to marry another. Whilst this doesn’t stop you from marrying him you should really consider whether this is the best option for you.

His dishonesty and lack of consistency is concerning and I would worry that this will only continue and will have ongoing effects on your own well being and will prevent you moving forward. To find a spouse who will treat you well and marry you in the correct way according to Islamic legislation.

In a way that you can be sure is halal for you both and free from sin. It will also not have any ill effects on anyone who may inadvertently get involved in the way that this man’s wife has and would be affected if you married him. 


Check out this counseling video:


Repentance

Masha Allah, you have been repenting and in sha Allah, He will forgive you. Part of this repentance should involve you doing everything you can to never turn to that sin again. Also to be with this man will be a constant reminder of the same.

You have the chance to free yourself from this sin by stepping away from its cause. In search of something more permissible and pleasing to Allah. You have the opportunity here to start again. But following the path that Allah laid out in seeking a spouse and Allah knows best. 

It will be hard to detach yourself from this relationship. As you have had the chance to develop strong feelings for him. But with strength and determination for the sake of Allah it is possible. Of course, you do still have the option to go ahead with it, this is your choice. But you must consider any potential consequences for all involved.

Perhaps you could confide in someone close. Get advice from a perspective who is not emotionally involved with this man. And will be able to advise from a neutral perspective with your best interests in mind. 

May Allah forgive you and guide you to what is best for you and most pleasing to Him. 

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)