In this counseling answer:
“You are not responsible for her behaviors even though she used manipulation to make you feel you may be. These are her choices and her issues – not yours.”
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,
Thank you for your question. As this girl has had several “love relationships” with two of your friends and is now talking to another man and sending nude pictures, is this someone you would want to build a life with and have children with? While we all sin and make mistakes in life, as Muslims, we ask for Allah’s forgiveness and repent. It seems she has not done that as her haram behaviors continue.
Also, she threatens you that she will “do something wrong” if you don’t talk to her (and she did). She also threatened with suicide when her wrongs were pointed out. Is this a sign of a mentally balanced and healthy person? Or would you suspect something is wrong with her mental health? If so, as it involves very haram behaviors, and a potentially serious mental illness (such as possible major depression, a possible personality disorder and manipulative behaviors), is this something you want to deal with? Is this the kind of mom you want for your children? Is this the type of wife you want? One who does not see the errors of her ways; one who blames others and fails to take responsibility? One who does not fear Allah (swt)?
This is in no way stating you should not marry someone who has mental health issues because we all suffer from some form of anxiety, depression, and so forth at one time or another in our lives. I only suggest that you should marry one who is in the position to desire to facilitate change in order to heal and conduct their lives in accordance with Allah’s commands. She does not appear to be in that place yet.
You seem like a very nice brother. I would seriously re-think marrying this girl. You are not responsible for her behaviors even though she used manipulation to make you feel you may be. These are her choices and her issues – not yours. I do not care how Islamic she dresses, or how much Islamic knowledge she has; if she is not applying it in her life, it means nothing. If you do marry her, you are at risk for a very heartbreaking relationship filled with distrust and turmoil. I highly suggest brother that in sha’ Allah you suggest to her that she get counseling as soon as possible. Give her the number for a suicide hotline where you live, and if you feel she is serious about harming herself, please do let someone trustworthy know about it.
I would also advise in sha’ Allah that you end the relationship and seek out a spouse who truly can apply Islamic values to their lives and is balanced and strong as a woman, or is at least actively striving in that direction. This young lady needs help, and you cannot help her.
We wish you the best brother. You are in our prayers.
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