I’m only in the second grade, and it makes me feel depressed, while other groupmates of mine are enjoying and studying. My mother keeps saying at least to talk with the men, and I did. I did not like any of them.
I actually let them know that I am not ready and I do not have any plans during my university years. And I want a good focus on my studies to have a good diploma and step on my future, afterall in our culture it is desired for wives to dedicate themselves to house chores and have children in the next year.
My mother is also distressed that I do not have a wish to get married, I do have. But not right now. She’s also saying we might lose the chance of getting married to a good person. And this also is scarring me.
My mother is divorced and in my country single mothers of two girls, divorced women are not considered very well in my country, as somehow it might affect the children’s adab. But I live in my uncle's house, and got only his fatherly care.
I understand her fear, but I’m asking Allah after prayers to not to rush the things I’m not ready for and grant me a righteous spouse, because he’s the only hope and someone who can soothe me.
And am I doing the right thing by resisting my relatives and mother?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- You and your mother are different people, living in different times and circumstances. What happened to her does not necessarily have to happen to you.
- Having more time, being involved in your own decision, and choosing when you feel ready can increase your chances of finding someone who truly suits you.
Assalamu alaykom,
I understand your situation, sister, and thank you for your question. You mentioned that your mother is pushing you to get married, but you are still studying and would like to finish university first. You don’t feel ready for marriage, and you feel somewhat stuck due to cultural expectations. You also said that your mother fears you may not find a suitable partner if you delay your search for too long.
I am sorry, sister. This situation is unfortunately very common. We are often dealing with a cultural clash between generations, as well as fears that can strongly influence parents’ decisions. These fears may come from past experiences—either your mother’s own life, your family’s history, or circumstances from previous generations.
So the question is: where is this fear coming from? Is it a realistic concern, or is it more of a perceived fear based on past experiences rather than present reality?
What can you do?
I think having an honest and calm conversation about these fears could be helpful. Try to explore what exactly your mother is afraid of. Is it truly a real and immediate concern? Is it really true that you won’t be able to find someone if you delay marriage for one or two years until you finish university?
In the past, it may have been more difficult, but times have changed. Today, there is more diversity and flexibility in how people approach marriage. That said, cultural expectations can still make people feel pressured to follow a certain path.
You also mentioned that your mother went through a divorce. It’s possible that her experience has shaped her opinion, and she wants to protect you from going through something similar. However, it’s important to remember that you and your mother are different people, living in different times and circumstances. What happened to her does not necessarily have to happen to you.
What matters
In fact, having more time, being involved in your own decision, and choosing when you feel ready can increase your chances of finding someone who truly suits you. Being pressured into something before you are ready can sometimes have negative consequences.
So, try to address her fears with understanding and compassion—not with blame or criticism. Acknowledge her love and her good intention to protect you, but gently explain that her concerns may not fully apply to your situation today. They might reflect worst-case scenarios rather than what is most likely to happen.
At the end of the day, this is your life. It is important that your intentions and readiness guide your decisions about marriage. If you feel that you need more time, that choice deserves respect.
I hope this helps. May Allah make it easy for you.
