I Never Met Him But, I Fell In Love With Him

26 July, 2017
Q Last year, I met a boy online through my cousins. We started talking, and we got to know each other. After some time, he said he had feelings for me, and I felt the same. We live in different countries. It has now been 1 year and 2 months since we have been together. We have been speaking through phone regularly. His family does not know about our relationship, and I'm not ready to tell my family yet; I am confused. I want to spend my life with him, and I pray for him in every du’aa'. I believe that Allah puts people into one's life for a reason. Can you please advise me what I should do?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

The counselor advises that if the both of you are serious about marriage, the both of you will find a way to meet in person as well as your respected parents. If you do not believe that your relationship can go the next level, then I advise you to discontinue chatting with him or contacting him in any way.


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. I ask Allah (swt) to give you the wisdom and courage to help you make the right decisions in your life and to grant you success.

It appears that you are currently chatting with a young man online and have been doing so for over a year. As a result of your ongoing online and phone contact with this man, you have become infatuated with the idea that he embodies the kind of a man you want in a husband. In reality, however, you have never met him before; therefore, you do not know him. You only know what he wants you to know through your conversations with him online and via phone.

Ask yourself: what is it about this young man that fits my expectations as a husband? Be honest with your answer and ask yourself if it is sufficient for a successful marriage. Judging by the fact that you have been chatting with him online, your answer could consist of “he seems religious, has a sense of humor, is very respectful of me when I speak, etc”.

In reality, you can feel the same way with anyone else that fits this vague category. All you have to do is chat with them online. In order for a marriage to be successful, both parties must have a more thorough understanding of each other’s character, temperaments, expectations, and backgrounds. This can not be attained by merely chatting online.

Sister, my advice to you would be to speak with your parents about this young man and tell them about how you feel about him. Ask him to do the same. If the both of you are serious about marriage, the both of you will find a way to meet in person as well as your respected parents. If you do not believe that your relationship can go the next level, then I advise you to discontinue chatting with him or contacting him in any way. The both of you would just be wasting your time and your emotions in vain.

In the meantime, focus on your goals and aspirations. If you want to go to college, find a meaningful career or anything else — pursue it. This is the time to build your character and know who you are as a person. Focus on what you want in life, your friends, career, etc.

If you believe that you are ready for marriage, then prepare for it by exploring what you want in a husband and what you don’t want as well as getting to know yourself more. Do not settle for any available man who will talk to you online or elsewhere — only settle for the kind of a man you believe you deserve.

May Allah (swt) choose the best for you.

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About Aliah F. Azmeh
Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.