In this counseling answer:
“It is normal to feel so helpless and lonely in your situation. But you will have to stop giving him so much importance and think about yourself now. Do things you enjoy; socialize; seek the help of a counselor in your area to help you overcome your loss.”
Thank you for writing to us. I will try my best to advise you, in sha’ Allah.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. It must be really hard for you to feel betrayed by a person you love.
You spent 15 years of your life with a person and built your trust in him, but he hurt you by leaving you in such a devastating way. The loss you are experiencing must be tough.
It is normal to feel so helpless and lonely in your situation. Loss can be described in so many ways.
It can be losing through death; it can also be losing a part of someone through illness, for example, if a spouse develops Alzheimer’s.
The loss we are talking about in your situation is the loss of trust in a person. You trusted him and invested so much time with him.
Then he betrayed you so badly. I can understand your grief, and I know it is not easy. In this situation, a person can have overwhelming emotions that can seem difficult to deal with.
It is absolutely normal. After all, you gave everything to a person and now you feel like you are left with empty hands.
The theory of grief involves several stages; the first stage is shock/denial, the second is bargaining, the third is anger, the fourth is sadness and then acceptance.
These stages can overlap each other or may feel more intensely than another. You cannot move to the final stage of acceptance until you have been through all the stages described above.
What he did was completely wrong. If he was that pressurized and influenced by his family and the culture he belongs to, then he should not have been with you to start with as he knew you are not Muslim.
He wasted so much of your time and also hurt your emotions and feelings. That is not a sign of a good Muslim and human being in general.
Honesty and reliability are very important in Islam. Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an:
”O you who believe, do not betray God and the messenger, and do not betray those who trust you, now that you know”. (8:27)
You feel that you cannot live without him now because you are too used to being with him.
Why is he coming back to you for his sexual needs if he is getting engaged to someone else? That is not right, and you should stop every contact with him.
I know you love him, but he does not deserve you when he cannot stand by you. You need to tell him that he has to either choose you or the other woman.
He cannot just come and go as he pleases. By doing that he will hurt you more and it will break you completely.
You will have to stop giving him so much importance and think about yourself now.
If he has decided to engage someone else and is speaking to another woman, then there is no point in having any form of contact with him at all.
I am not saying that it will be easy, but you are a mature and intelligent woman and you will have to try.
Here are a few things you can do to help yourself and cope with the pain:
Tell yourself that you will get over him. We only get stronger and wiser by the things we go through. Years from now you may remembering this experience with gratitude.
Do not let depression built up in you. It can be very therapeutic to write down all your feelings.
Sometimes it can be easier to write down your thoughts and feelings on papers rather than talking to someone. Writing it down on a paper can make you feel relaxed.
Find other hobbies. When you, for example, play badminton or other things, all your attention and energy is focused on one single task. In that state, it is not possible to think of your problems.
Become social. Go out and meet new people and socialize with your friends more. The more time you spend alone, the harder it will be to get over him.
Give it time. Do not expect it to be ok straight away. Grief takes time. You may find yourself feeling very sad and angry sometimes, but don’t compress your feelings.
To be able to get over him, you will have to go through this now. You have to believe in yourself and keep strong.
I suggest that you seek to counsel in your local area. It may help you and give you a different perspective on your own situation.
I pray that things get easier for you and that Allah (swt) gives you strength and patience to get over him.
He is not worth your time.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.