I am an 18-year-old girl and a year ago I met an online friend. He was a boy also the same age as me. We started texting on Islam-related topics but slowly started texting everyday. Due to this, we started becoming close and became friends (this was only restricted to texting). Although, this closeness made us fall in love with each other and we kind of started flirting through text. We shared pictures of how we looked (nothing haram) and sent each other voice recordings. We couldn't go a day without talking to one another.
In the middle of our friendship, I felt like something was wrong Islamically. So, I did Istikhara and seeked Allah's guidance on our friendship. I was surprised to know that Allah allowed our friendship but he wanted us to limit our texting. However, he didn't want us to get married. I was confused at this answer. Nevertheless, I kept my contact with him but I made a mistake of not limiting my texting as day by day my feelings were becoming stronger for this young man.
When I told my friend about my Istikhara, he did not believe the answers that I got were true. Few days ago, he told me that it all felt wrong for us to be talking through text because he wasn't my mehram. He said that we could keep contact but we couldn't talk. I was in tears when he told me that we should part our ways and end everything. He doesn't reply to my messages anymore. He left without even saying a proper goodbye.
These days I am struggling a lot mentally and emotionally. I cannot stop crying. My days feel empty without talking to him. I have his contact but I am unable to forget him. I am confused as to what Allah wants and I am struggling a lot to let go of him. I cannot even focus on my daily tasks.
Please Advise. Jazakallah Khair.
Answer
Salam alaikom sister,
Thank you for writing to us. You mention that you started a friendship online, but you developed feelings for each other. Your relationship was basically texting and sending some images and audio messages.
Then you realized that this was not OK Islamically and prayed the istikhara prayer. You drew the conclusion that Allah does not support your marriage, but you kept talking to him.
Then you shared this with your friend, who decided basically to stop this relationship, asking you not to talk anymore.
Now you are struggling emotionally and mentally to forget this brother and let him go. You say that your days feel empty without him and you cannot stop crying.
Reaction to a Loss
Sister, I understand how you are feeling. These feelings of emptiness, sadness, and longing for the relationship are very common and normal reactions to a “loss.”
It is a kind of grieving as you are closing a chapter with hopes, memories, and positive experiences.
You are most probably attached emotionally to this brother. There is some kind of bond between you after being in regular contact for over a year.
And naturally, after ending the relationship, you are struggling with the feelings of separation.
I know that just because you know that it is normal to feel heartbroken, you won’t get better automatically.
You will have to go through the process of “mourning” and learn from the experience.
I have to tell you that it was best for both of you that you ended this relationship, masallah.
You know that, Islamically, this is not acceptable, even if you did not go beyond texting and voice messaging.
That is exactly why Islam restricts opposite-gender friendships and relations. It is natural that you end up developing romantic feelings for each other, especially at your age when you are not married.
And if, for some reason, marriage is not possible, these types of contacts just make things more complicated, lead to unnecessary emotional suffering and put you at the risk of acting upon your sentiments and committing zina.
So, if there is no realistic possibility for both of you to get married, it is best to stop being in contact with this brother.
What Can You Do to Feel Better?
Give yourself time to get emotionally and mentally detached. Yes, it is a painful period, and you feel empty as you miss the comfort this relationship meant to you.
It is actually science and chemistry: when you are attached to somebody, your brain rewards you by releasing hormones that cause you to feel pleasure and happiness.
So, you are suddenly missing “the reward.” So, turn to other sources to find it.
Not Alone but In Good Company
Try to spend time with your best friends. Do meaningful things together: spend time outdoors, in nature; talk and walk; go to do exercise together; etc. Stimulate those hormones that make you feel better!
Distract Yourself
If you had a settled period during the day when you were texting, try to establish a new routine for that time period to avoid nostalgic feelings and longing.
It is like creating a new habit. For example, were you used to texting in the afternoons? Make sure that you engage in another activity during the same period of the day from now on.
Or if you feel the need to text and share something, share it with your best friend or family instead.
Love of Allah
Certainly, loving Allah is superior to love for any creature, even for our closest one.
Try to focus on the love of Allah and your love for Him. Here is a dua of Prophet Dawud to listen to or recite.
Increase your love of Allah by doing things He loves. You can channel your feelings through charity and voluntary actions for others.
Despite this, embrace the certainty that He knows what is best for you.
And if this relationship had to end, it would be just because there would be a better one out there for you. Try to see the bigger picture instead of focusing on the present.
Get Involved in the Community
Try to get involved more in your community or school. Join a new project, an activity, or gatherings with other Muslims and get inspired.
Journaling
You say that he did not even say goodbye to you and just simply does not answer your messages anymore.
I think it is his best attempt to cope with the situation, as most probably he is struggling as well. But remember, both of you will be rewarded for giving up something for the sake of Allah:
„Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better.” Musnad Ahmad
Just leave it like this. If you feel the need to say goodbye to him to be able to move on, you can do it by writing it down in a letter. It is not even necessary to send it; just let your feelings get out of you.
You can start journaling as well, to release your feelings and thoughts.
I hope these tips will help you. If you need to talk to a counselor, try our life-coaching services or find a counselor near you.
You will see, with time you will feel much better, in sha Allah:
“except those who patiently endure and do good. It is they who will have forgiveness and a mighty reward.” (Quran 11:11)
Read more from Orsolya Ilham O.:
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