I Can’t Forget My Ex-Girlfriend

02 October, 2017
Q My ex-girlfriend, Zainab, accepted another guy’s marriage proposal, and now her brothers are trying to harm me. I am trying so hard to forget her, but I can’t. Something tells me that Zainab still wants to be with me because I know her brothers threatened her to agree to a marriage with the other guy. They said that they would harm me if I don’t let her marry the other guy.No matter how hard I try to keep away from her, I find myself trying to track her down through different online social media. Deep in my heart, I want Zainab to be happy, and I keep telling myself that she will be better off without me, but I can’t stop myself from desiring her. I have even tried to force myself into a marriage, but it didn’t happen.I can’t get her out of my mind, and I have strong sexual desire. I am addicted to porn and online stuff. Sometimes, I want to get married because I don’t want to commit any of those sins, but I promised Zainab that I would wait until May, 2017. I want to at least keep my words as a sign of love to her and also as a Muslim. My parents are looking for a suitable girl for me even though I told them that I wouldn’t get married until 2017. I can’t focus on my studies, and I am wasting my time online.I would like you to help me both spiritually and psychologically. What kind of prayer can I say to get me out of this mess? Would it be right for me to get married now to someone else in order to forget her? Moreover, if Zainab found out that I am married, it would also be easy for her to move on. The fact that I am not married in addition to our pledge to wait until May, 2017 could be one of the reasons she is still delaying her marriage with the other guy. I don’t want them to suffer because of me.Also, about those online stuffs (even webcam sex) that I am indulged in; what kind of person does this make me? I would like you to be harsh in advising me. How can I avoid those things? Is marriage the solution?One thing I should mention is that my relation with Zainab has nothing to do with sex. I can’t think of her sexually. I can’t stop but praying to be with her forever (even after death) as a spouse in prostration. I make that du’aa’ every day.


In this counseling answer:

“I advise you to begin working on forgetting about this girl and the promise you made to wait because the reality is that she is already engaged. Work on yourself, your addiction, and seek out activities that will bring you closer to Allah (swt) which, in turn, will bring you closer to the spouse that Allah (swt) has for you, in sha’ Allah.”

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,

Thank you for writing to us with your most important issues. I am sorry to hear you are being threatened by the girl’s family. I would kindly suggest you alert the authorities if you fear your life is in danger.

With that said, it appears that this is not a situation you should want to be involved with. While you may have honorable feelings towards this girl, she is promised in marriage to another man. While forcing one to marry in Islam is forbidden, it is up to her to deal with her family and make her own choices. Continuing to try to “hunt her down” and keeping in contact with her only complicates matters as well as possibly putting yourself and her in further danger – something I am sure you do not want to do.

Additionally, as she has accepted another man’s proposal (even if she was forced), Islamically you cannot pursue her as she is already committed to someone else. Your feeling that “Something tells me that Zainab still wants to be with me” could possibly be feelings you project upon yourself as you are the one who still desires to marry her.

I kindly suggest that you try to move on with your life and put things in perspective, dear brother. While I know this is not what you want to hear, the truth of the situation is that she is engaged to another man, whether by choice or not. I ask that you trust in Allah (swt), make du’aa’ for Allah (swt) to grant you ease and mercy and help you grow stronger as a Muslim. In addition, get involved with other brothers and do socially enjoyable activities as well as Islamic ones. This will, in sha’ Allah, help ease the hurt as you will be filling your life with other things which over time will decrease your preoccupation with her.

One issue you brought up which needs immediate attention is your addiction to porn and online “stuff”. While sexual desire is normal and healthy, it is to be kept in the context of marriage. It is our bodies’ way of telling us we should begin preparing for marriage.

With this said, would you want to marry knowing you have an addiction? I would kindly suggest brother that you deal with this addiction first before you marry anyone. Bringing an addiction into a marriage is a risky proposition and may cause much harm. The SeekersHub states that “Over the last decade, pornography has played a staggering role in the breakup of marriages (with most recent American statistics suggesting that it has contributed in part to 2 out of 3 divorces”. With these statistics in mind, as well as your spiritual relationship with Allah (swt), the Most High, I strongly suggest you seek professional help through a counseling service near you to help with this addiction if you cannot stop it by the advice in the links.

Pornography addiction is common and there are treatments for it. However, it will take much strength and determination on your part to overcome it. I advise you to seek Allah’s (swtt) forgiveness and help with this matter. Do a lot of dhikr, read the Qur’an, and make du’aa’ that Allah (swt) helps you stop this behavior. Think about your future wife – would you want her to have this addiction? No, of course not. That is why when we marry, we must ensure we are giving the best of ourselves spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

In time, in sha’ Allah, you will find you are less interested in porn, and you will feel a renewed sense of strength, personal control as well as peace with yourself. By drawing closer to Allah (swt), we are blessed with a brighter, more in-depth perspective concerning all aspects of our lives. We are often lifted of burdens that we thought we could not bear.

Thus, dear brother, I advise you to begin working on forgetting about this girl and the promise you made to wait because the reality is that she is already engaged. Work on yourself, your addiction, and seek out activities that will bring you closer to Allah (swt) which, in turn, will bring you closer to the spouse that Allah (swt) has for you, in sha’ Allah. Trust in Allah (swt) for He never guides us wrong. You are in our prayers, dear brother. Please let us know how you are doing.

Helpful Links

Addiction to Porn & masturbation: Islamic Remedy

Addicted to Pornography & Masturbation


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach.
Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.