As-Salamu ’Alaykum sister,
First, I would like to commend you for coming forth and seeking help with this issue. This shows you care, which is very important. Your relationship with your mother is one of the most important relationships you will have in your life. While now, at your age, you feel frustrated, angry, and hurt over her treatment of you, when you get older, you may, in sha’ Allah, look at the situation very differently.
As you stated, you are known in your family to have an attitude. Perhaps, my dear sister, you may need to re-evaluate what this attitude is and determine if it benefits you or harms you. This attitude that you speak of may affect not only family relationships, but social relationships as well, especially when you get older.
While teens (such as yourself) may get attitudes at this age, we must be careful that our attitudes do not become a lifelong reflection of who we are. This is to say that behaviors, thoughts, and feelings repeated consistently can become a habit. Reacting in a certain way can become habit forming. For example, if someone walks up to you and yells at you, you have the choice of how you respond. You can either listen to the person vent their feelings, or you can chose to act like them and “yell” back. If you chose the later, I implore you to ask yourself: how does this benefit you or the situation? Actually, it does not, it just accelerates the situation into a yelling match, as you indicated happens a few times a day. It is destructive and is not steps towards ameliorating the situation.
You stated that sometimes you truly don’t hear your mom, and this is something that your mom needs to understand as well. However, as you both are having daily arguing matches, it is hard for her right now to stop and really think about her own behavior or of possible reasons why you may not appear to be listening.
As we spoke about attitudes becoming lifelong ways of living/habits, could it be that your mom at your age was acting towards her mom (or others) as you are now? Perhaps, this was an acceptable way for her to communicate, and she never got the chance to evaluate herself and change. Thus, you have found yourself in the cycle you see today.
The way we communicate with others is very important. Not just with family, but with friends, acquaintances, and society at large. In the future, this mode of communication and your self-described attitude could cost you friends, jobs, and could even affect the relationships with a future husband and children!
Sister, I disagree with your statement “I have tried to change my behavior, but nothing will change my behavior if she doesn’t change hers”. If you do change your behavior and reactions, in time, she will change hers as well, in sha’ Allah. It will take time as, after all, she has been communicating like this much longer than you have. However, as you are younger and not as set in your ways, be the stronger person, take that “attitude” and turn it into something positive that others can look to as a role model.
If you do not respond with yelling and respond with respect, how much can she yell? Eventually, the yelling will have to stop because there is nothing re-enforcing it (such as yelling back). It will be like someone yelling at a wall that responds only with kindness. Sooner or later, in sha’ Allah, her yelling will diminish as there will be no re-enforcement.
My dear sister, you stated that both you and your mom admitted that the yelling makes you both feel useless and you both use it as a defense mechanism. That is sad. If we break this down, your mom feels like she is useless and must defend herself and so do you.
You are mother and daughter. There is no other most precious relationship. You will realize this when you hold your newborn baby girl for the first time, in sha’ Allah, when you get older.
I feel your pain, sister, as well as your frustration. In sha’ Allah, when things are calm at home, ask your mom if she would like to go out for lunch. Take her out and have a nice time together. Try not to bring up touchy subjects or start talking about how she yells too much. Instead, ask her how she is doing, maybe ask her about her mom (your grandmother) and what was she like when she was at your age? Was she close to her mom? What dreams did she have when she was at your age; what things she liked, and so on. Tell her some of your hopes and dreams.
If you take interest in your mom’s life and learn a little bit more about her life, maybe you will gain insight. By showing interest in her, she may be able to let her defenses down and the two of you, in sha’ Allah, can begin to build up your relationship on a more loving, positive level in which you both feel secure, safe, and respected.
Again sister, it may take you to initiate this new type of relationship, but it is so worth it. Time is promised to no one and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Many at your age do not have a mother. Please, be the one to change this. You can, I have confidence in you that you can do it. You will be so happy you did now and in the future.
Lastly dear sister, I need to remind you of what you already know. As Muslims, we must respect our parents. The Qur’an states,
“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.” (17:23-24)
“Allah’s Messenger, who amongst the people is most deserving of my good treatment? He said: Your mother, again your mother, again your mother, then your father, then your nearest relatives according to the order (of nearness).” (Muslim)
So, we can see the importance of respecting our parents and not harming or disrespecting them in any way. In fact, as you know, to do so is a sin. Therefore, I kindly suggest, sister, you make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) to grant ease and help you with your relationship with your mother and to repent for the wrong you did in disrespecting her. Allah (swt) is Most Merciful. Allah (swt) knows all, and is Most Forgiving. By drawing closer to Allah (swt) and asking for help with this issue, it will, in sha’ Allah, bring you much peace and many blessings in your life and your relationship with your mom. You both love each other very much. Please, put in the efforts to change things between you.
You are in our prayers, sister,. We wish you both the best.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.