I want to ask if in this situation I try to distance myself from her is it wrong. Because if we do, she emotionally puts us in guilt by bringing Islamic rulings. It’s almost like always being manipulated to do what she wants. Pls guide what should I do. Jazakallah kher
Answer
In this counseling article:
- It would be natural to feel drained because you are using your own emotional resources to serve your mother, while not having your own needs met.
- Distancing yourself from her might seem like the ideal solution, but it may have irreparable consequences and end up causing more harm than good.
- Offer her attention in more positive ways. Sharing the responsibilities with your siblings, you will also have time to do things for yourself.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
I understand that you and your siblings are feeling like your mother is manipulating you. You feel like this as she uses emotions to make you feel guilty and then strengthens her case using Islamic rulings.
This makes you feel manipulated and is emotionally draining for you, as everything seems to focus on her, leaving little or no room for you and your siblings.
Feeling Mentally Exhausted
When your own emotional needs are not tended to and everything seems to focus on one person, in this case, your mother, it would be natural to feel drained because you are using your own emotional resources to serve your mother while not having your own needs met.
This will lead to the mental exhaustion that you are feeling now.
What makes it difficult in your situation is that this is your mother that we are talking about.
In this case, of course, you have responsibilities to take care of her. She has experienced chronic depression, so perhaps she requires more attention than others might.
Drawing the Right Lines
However, this is also coming at the detriment of your own psychological wellbeing. So, where do you draw the line so that you fulfill your obligations while also having your own needs met?
Distancing yourself from her might seem like the ideal solution to escape the emotional trauma that you are currently facing, but I would first urge you to consider if this really is the most appropriate course of action to take.
This may have irreparable consequences if not approached appropriately. It may end up causing more harm than good, so you might consider less harsh solutions.
You mention that she had a tough life and has been depressed for a long time. Perhaps her actions and seeming narcissistic behavior are her way of dealing with her own emotional trauma and are her way of getting attention and having her emotional needs met.
Given the extent of possible trauma she has been through, perhaps she doesn’t even realize how her behavior is making you and your siblings feel.
Offering Attention
What you might try instead is to offer her attention in more positive ways.
You should be the one to initiate it so that she doesn’t have to seek it from you in inappropriate ways that cause emotional damage to you.
For example, you could be the first to ask how she’s doing and guide her to do things that will support her wellbeing.
Organizing some kind of outing together, even if just going for a walk together. Getting out and doing something together is a great way to strengthen bonds while also improving wellbeing. You know what her likes are, so you might pick something that you know she enjoys doing.
Surprise her and do something a bit spontaneous. This will give her the attention she is looking for without having to look for it the wrong way. It’ll give her something to look forward to, too.
If this is still something that you feel would drain your emotional resources, you could switch between you as siblings.
So, one day you might take on this responsibility and give her one-on-one attention, and one of your siblings might take another day, and so on.
This will reduce the load for all of you while giving you all some respite too. In the meantime, your mother will get the attention that she needs.
Sibling Support
Additionally, it is important for you and your siblings to acknowledge how this is affecting you and to also focus on your own well-being as well as your mother’s.
Certainly, doing things with her is one way to support this, but you also need to look at ways to do this independently of your relationship with your mother and even your siblings. Don’t lose sight of the things you enjoy doing and the people you enjoy being with.
By sharing the responsibilities with your siblings, you will also have time to do things for yourself.
When you are not caring for your mother, take the time to meet with friends and go do the things you enjoy. Taking care of a family member with mental health problems is not an easy task, so it is of utmost importance that you see to your own needs too.
Not only will it boost your own wellbeing, but it will also give you more patience when it comes to dealing with your mother’s behavior.
May Allah reward you for taking care of your mother. May He ease your burdens and guide you to what is best for you and most pleasing to Him.
***
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.