Me and my mom have a good relationship, but arguments between us are becoming quite frequent recently.
The thing with my mom is that she doesn't listen to the other person's perspective, and assumes that whatever mistake happened was done on purpose and that her perspective is the right one, even if a third person tells her that it wasn't exactly how she thinks it is.
And then there is also the problem with me; often I get irritated when she keeps on dismissing my perspective, and other times even if I control myself, she says stuff that results in me replying back.
I never reply anything bad to her but those replies are restating my opinion in a louder voice which I realize is wrong and makes her more angry.
I want to state that my mom is not wrong during our arguments, but she goes on and adds stuff later on to the argument which isn't true and only what she perceived.
And that is when I lose control. I don't like it at all when me and my mom fight, and that's why I always apologize to her regarding what I did wrong during the argument, but I have been struggling to control my irritation and replying back to my mom.
Recently she started saying bad duas against me and I am very scared. I don't know what I did that hurt her so bad.
I try to approach her later to talk everything out and apologize, and then everything goes back to normal. But when we argue again, she starts saying bad duas again.
Please give me advice on what to do.
Answer
In this counseling post:
- Islam does not say that we cannot feel frustrated. What matters is how we handle that frustration — how we channel it, without hurting others. What we correct in communication is not our emotions, but our responses.
- Small phrases can make a big difference because they turn absolute statements into personal experiences. That reduces conflict.
Assalāmu ‘alaykum sister,
Thank you for your letter. You explained the ongoing conflict with your mother, and I understand it as more of a communication issue — a misunderstanding or miscommunication — rather than a broken relationship. I agree with you: the relationship is not damaged; it’s simply that you both have different perspectives, and you’re struggling to express yourselves in a way that makes the other person feel heard and understood.
You mentioned that your mother doesn’t really listen to the other person’s perspective and assumes that things were done on purpose, and that her view is the correct one. That is what irritates you and leaves you feel unheard.
Let me pause here and say something important: when we communicate, it’s not about who is right or wrong.
It’s About Perspectives
It’s about my perspective and your perspective. Your mother is speaking from her own point of view — how she perceived and interpreted the situation. But that is not an objective truth; it is her subjective experience at that moment.
A helpful way to express this more gently would be by using phrases like:
- “I think…”
- “In my opinion…”
- “How I feel is…”
These phrases make it clear that she is sharing her personal perspective, not stating an absolute truth. Both of you can be “right” from your own viewpoints, and still have a respectful conversation.
In your situation, you said you get irritated because she dismisses your perspective.
Feelings Are Human
Sister, that is completely understandable. It is frustrating when someone cannot see your point of view or put themselves in your shoes. Anyone could feel unheard and misunderstood this way.
But this irritation does not mean you are being disrespectful — it is a natural human response. Islam does not say that we cannot feel frustrated. What matters is how we handle that frustration — how we channel it, without hurting others.
So while your feelings are completely valid, it may help to express them through sentences like:
- “Mom, this is my perspective…”
- “I understand you feel that way, but I feel…”
- “This is how I perceived what you said…”
- “Maybe your intention was something else, but this is how I interpreted it…”
Explain that you feel unheard and dismissed and that she doesn’t consider your point of view. This is not disrespect; it is honest communication.
You can also use phrases like:
- “In my opinion…”
- “From how I understood it…”
- “According to how I felt…”
Communication skills can help both of you express your perspective without becoming defensive. Listening to someone else’s point of view, and understanding it does not erase your own.
These small phrases can make a big difference because they turn absolute statements into personal experiences. That reduces conflict.
Correct Responses
It’s good that you want to apologize for what you feel you did wrong. But sister, you do not need to apologize for your experience or your feelings. You can apologize for your reactions if they were hurtful, but not for how you perceived the situation. What we correct in communication is not our emotions, but our responses.
For example, you also said she brings up things later in the argument that you feel are not true. Instead of losing control, you can say gently:
“Mom, that’s how you perceived the situation, but my intention was different, and this is how I felt.”
Likewise, you can also express that you feel hurt when she makes dua against you. Ask yourself, what exactly you feel – beyond hurt – and think when she says those things, and share your thoughts with her. Maybe she is unaware of the effect of her expressions, and her intentions can be something else, like expressing anger.
Empathy and Listening
With this kind of communication, you both learn to empathize with each other. Try to put yourself in her shoes, and kindly ask her to do the same — to pause her own narrative and imagine the situation from your perspective.
When we see things from the other person’s point of view, we may discover their motivations and intentions. This can soften the heart, increase compassion, and remind us that we are not against each other. Differences in opinion exist in every family. What matters is learning to communicate those differences with respect and understanding that every perspective is subjective.
I hope these tips help you,