Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu Alaikum,
It is likely that there is something deeper than guilt that you feel. It is natural to need your parents well beyond adulthood. This is an emotional and spiritual yearning. If there has been dysfunction between you and your parents, then you will unconsciously seek to repair and heal that separation. Your unconscious desire to heal the wounds is likely moving you toward your parents. This can be a good situation if you become conscious of it and then set out to proactively heal the issues you have while setting healthy boundaries for yourself. It is very rare that actually cutting parents off from one’s life would be the best course of action as such an action often sets a wound instead of provides the fertile ground where it can heal.
Part of this healing will occur when you learn how to self-nurture. If you were not able to learn self-soothing from a mother who is natural at nurturing, you can still learn to “be your own parent”. You might want to get some formal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and learn some techniques and to resolve inner conflict. You will learn to accept what is there and to appreciate what is there instead of being upset about what is not.
Love is a very subjective word, and children often feel that a parent have more love for one or another sibling than oneself. We don’t always know the real story behind why one child might receive more attention than another. I do not know your story, but I can tell you that if your parents love one child, they have the natural instinct of love for their other children. They probably love you as well. In fact, there is likely a very intense desire, whether conscious or not, to connect with you. Perhaps your mother does not know how to connect with you. This is often the case. It does not mean that she does not love you. Appreciate what she has done for you and focus on the fact that you had shelter and were fed, if nothing else.
Sometimes, what we believe are actual lies and are in fact misperceptions. Remember, parents are human beings. From your words here, I honestly get the sense that both you and your mother want to connect and to feel that emotional security. This desire is both strong and mutual. You do not have to resolve every single hurt that life brings along or “have it out” with your mother on every single childhood issue in order to heal the rift and connect in a way that brings mutual emotional safety and a true, loving bond.
If you are willing to work through your issues with a therapist or read some self-help books, you can likely grow through the pain that human error causes, whether it is your human error or your mother’s. Keep the real goal in mind: a healthy relationship with your mother. Keep your primary focus on that positive end and become aware of the barriers for the success of that goal. You can work on these barriers which would be current functional barriers such as communication.
When a woman is an adolescent or young woman, she often amplifies her disappointment in her mother. At the same time, she has a natural instinctual that she needs to separate from her mother for a time, so that she can find her own identity as a woman in her own right. All of this usually happens unexpectedly, and the desire is usually unconscious. A mother who does not know about this developmental stage in women will often become very hurt, confused, and may even believe that her daughter is lying, making up things, etc. In fact, most women do exaggerate her mother’s faults, and it is very common for an adolescent or young woman to go to family members or family friends and do what I call “mother bashing”. An aware family will understand that the girl is going through a developmentally stage and will be a buffer between her and the mother.
The girl is only doing what comes naturally in an effort to differentiate. The mother will always naturally be a little hurt even if she knows, this is natural. If the mother does not understand what is happening, “mother bashing” from others, she may even conclude that the daughter is willfully lying, making up things, etc. It is so common to unconsciously defame the mother in an effort to be different from her, separate from her, but still be good. With all that, most mothers do make mistakes because they are human beings. Only Allah (swt) is perfect!
So, in addition to the need to separate from the mother in order to become an adult woman in her own right, women during this stage of development will often focus on the real mistake that her human mother made as well. And if this isn’t enough, most women become upset with their mothers for not being that perfect, protecting, and all nurturing with endless ability to provide for all her needs. Most young women are not aware that they are actually disappointed because their mother is human and has limits but, indeed, they are. Not only this means that the mother will not be able to meet her needs, but it is a rude awakening to the fact that the woman herself is not going to become a “perfect” woman. This is all natural. We don’t go through these changes and developmental processes and participate in disruptive rifts because we are “bad”; this happens because this is the learning process. This is how we learn about who we are as human beings.
I am not here to say your mother is perfect, only that she is a human as well. It is very possible that what you perceive to be a lack of natural instinct and love is more a lack of understanding this process, resulting in more hurting feelings and a lack of skills to help this process end on a happy note.
She may also be exhausted from sibling rivalry. Most mothers love all of their children. It is difficult to give each and every one equal measure each day especially, if one seems to have a more urgent need than another. Instead of focusing on who your mother love more or less, focus on the ways to build bridges, not walls. Build a bridge to your mother where you can meet and share what is good and what is there – seen or unseen. You are the adult now. If you have been given the gift by Allah (swt) to understand more or to be more competent than your mother in these areas, then you are also more responsible for using your wisdom, knowledge, understanding, and competency to build that bridge. If you do, you will be rewarded because your mother has probably some gems to offer you that cannot be given to you until that door is opened. These gems could include her life experiences from which she now has wisdom that she did not have before, that you can benefit from. She may have knowledge which you can benefit from and that can only be gained by experience.
If you consider opening that door, you might find that your mother does not have hate; rather, she is hurt and wounded, especially, if she did not understand the events of adolescents and your need to become a woman in your own right. If she believes that you lied about her, then she is more likely to be hurt than hate you. Her belief is a belief and communication can clear that up. It is also very likely that she feels you do not love her or have any affection for her. I do not see that either of you are “wrong” in this picture.
Also, remember to separate your choice of religion from the issues that you have with your mother. It is possible that she is afraid of you because there are many radical extremist groups that practice unhealthy behaviors and are very destructive force which operate under the name of Islam. We know, however, that true Islam does not promote hurtful or harmful behaviors. Sometimes, if you can show a person how your values and morality are similar, then where you differ, you can keep the peace. If you can show her that your faith is in Allah (swt), that you are safe, and that this faith only increases your compassion for her. She will likely to be less defensive about your practicing of Islam.
It would be wise to stay away from judging yourself and judging your mother. Don’t bother yourself with questions like whether you are a “good” daughter and if she is a “good mother”. You have e-mail, so you can communicate with her via e-mail for now. Clearly, you love her and you want to have a good relationship with her; otherwise, you would not be upset and write me here. It is difficult to navigate a way to that.
With that said, this is a long term project and won’t happen quickly. It could take a few years to get where you really want to be with her. You can set some healthy boundaries while building this bridge. Start by e-mailing her and letting her know that you love her and that you want to develop a healthy and loving relationship with her. Let her know that you want to put aside all the real and/or perceived issues for now, and just talk about what is happening with her in her life right now. Tell her you will share with her what is happening in your life, too. You will have time to work through the issues and rifts. You want to start building this bridge with a solid foundation, so set that foundation first. Let her know that you are currently focused on keeping a routine and schedule that is organized for your children, so you only take calls from family on certain days/times. Perhaps, you can negotiate a regular time and day for both of you to talk to each other once a week. Expect her to write back and she might have a lot of negative and emotionally charged things to say. Remember, she is hurt also, so she might get into that emotionally confused state as well. She will probably say things that she doesn’t mean. She will experience your boundaries as rejection at first.
You are trying to establish yourself as an adult woman in your own right, and you are creating a family life for your children. It sounds like you do want her to be in your life and in the life of your children. In the long run, this will be best for your children too. So, take your time, go slowly, and develop this relationship. When you are ready, e-mail you mother and ask her if she has ever loved you. She will respond to this, and you might hear some surprising news. Please, write her soon and let me know what transpires. One day at a time. In reality, we are all connected; this is the power of Allah (swt) in action.
Salam,
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