Leaving my family has caused a lot of pain for my parents. We still meet and talk, and they are still providing for me. Such as, buying me food, etc. which makes me feel guilty for what I’ve done. However, my parents also scare me with going to hell, how Allah will never forgive me and the religious repercussions of my actions. In addition, they belittle me whenever we talk.
I see a psychologist, as well as a family therapist together with my family. My parents want me to come home, but that is not an option for me. Living with them has made me depressed. My current lifestyle also makes me depressed. I feel lost. I want independence, and I want to stop engaging in haram activities. Please guide me!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Try to see your parents’ perspective.
• Determine a safe living situation that encourages you to truly go after independence in a safe way.
• Individual and family therapy will be really beneficial for you.
• How about seeking a hobby or an activity you truly enjoy?
• Agree on timing and expectations of social activities with the person you live with.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatuulahi wa barakatu.
Thank you for trusting us with your concerns. It is my understanding that you left home due to it being a toxic environment with no personal freedoms, a lot of screaming and bullying behavior.
I also understand you still speak with your parents and during those moments, your perception is that they use fear tactics to try and bring you home.
My dear Sister, to begin with, please understand I am going to be honest with you.
Some of my words will be easy to hear, some will not.
Your parents only want what is best for you. I know you have heard that before but let me elaborate.
Using judgment day and scripture against you can be a form of spiritual abuse.
While I do not agree with your parents using these, I do understand why they say these things.
Try to see their perspective since you want them to see yours.
The better you understand them, the better you can choose your words to express yourself to them.
No matter what religion or culture someone is from, it is self-destructive and dangerous for a 16-year-old girl to be drinking with men alone.
Did you know that the majority of rapes are perpetrated by someone the girl knows?
Did you also know that sexual crimes in Denmark have dramatically increased over the past few years?
Your parents are afraid for your soul. They are afraid because they want to protect you, which they see means protecting you from yourself right now.
When they are upset, try to take a deep breath and remind yourself that they want to protect you more than anyone else does. They love you, those men around you don’t.
Freedom
My Sister, I fully understand the need to feel free and independent.
Some people have this type of personality, me included.
It can be a blessing that will fuel you to greatness, but it can also hurt you when it becomes extreme and uncontrolled.
With independence comes responsibility, as you said they took care of everything for you and are still feeding you.
My Sister, you are not free, and you are not independent. You are partying and risking your own safety while being dependent on others.
If you seek independence and the ability to direct your own life choices, you must then be able to support yourself on all levels, including financial.
This means pushing through school, pushing for good career choices, and learning how to be smart about your life choices.
To truly attain independence, it begins with having the strength to take accountability and make better choices.
Step one in that regard is your living situation. You don’t have to live with your parents.
However, I strongly urge you to find a reliable and stable family member or close friend to the family that remains unbiased between you and your parents.
Someone who can provide a stable environment that supports education and life goals.
This home environment should help facilitate healing with your parents, not make it more difficult.
Therapy
Alhamdulillah it is great to hear that you already have a therapist and psychologist.
I encourage you to engage in family sessions as well as individual sessions on a regular basis. At least once a month if not every two weeks.
Please understand, it is not normal or okay for parents to verbally degrade their kids or make fun of how they look, etc.
This type of communication is harmful, abusive and has obviously pushed you away from trusting them.
Please let your family therapist know about all of this so they can help your parents to understand better forms of communication.
Your parents may not realize how harsh their communication style is coming off with you. They may not realize how you feel.
Continued family therapy can help your parents understand your perspective as well as help you understand theirs.
This will also inshallah help all of you express your emotions in a merciful way that doesn’t hurt the other.
If your parents would prefer an Islamic counselor, consider Noor Human Consulting.
They can facilitate family counseling from an Islamic perspective and help your parents to see a gentler style of encouraging Islam.
Adrenaline
Sister, partying and “being bad” are often exhilarating because they spike our adrenaline and dopamine levels.
They can give you a rush, but it is temporary. Even the most intense partiers usually grow tired of that lifestyle.
The good news? There are positive and healthy activities you can take part in that also deliver spikes in adrenaline and dopamine. You can have fun and be social in a halal way.
If you crave that exhilaration, here are some ideas you can try.
- Ziplining
- Physical contact sports
- Physical competitions such as racing
- Dancing
- Bungee jump
- Boxing
- Any activity that makes you feel “alive”
Social Life
You mentioned wanting to be able to see your friends more often, to go out freely.
It is not realistic to expect unlimited social time at this age, you do need structure and a curfew.
That does not mean you can’t be social and engage with your friends, it just means that this is not a free for all.
I suggest sitting down with the people you end up living with and deciding on an appropriate curfew and expectations.
For example, when you are out it is responsible and safe to check in every so often via your cell phone to let them know you are okay.
They may expect this and insist on it. This isn’t controlling or negative, it protects you and shows that they care.
Final Thoughts
Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward.
- Try to see your parents’ perspective
- Determine a safe living situation that encourages you to truly go after independence in a safe way
- Be consistent with individual and family therapy
- Find replacement adrenaline activities
- Agree on timing and expectations of social activities with the person you live with
I know this is a difficult age and it can be very confusing as a Muslim in a non-Muslim country.
You don’t need to stand out as different or be strict in your practicing.
Just do the best you can and no matter what, don’t stop talking to Allah (swt).
Focus on the love, mercy and light of Allah (swt), let this inspire and uplift you.
May Allah (swt) grant you success with true independence along with a happy family,
Ameen,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/youth-q-a/parent-child-relationship/my-mom-is-depressed-makes-me-depressed-too/