I think they (my dad) deal the specialist to remove the entire nasal septum from my nose to cause me to feel lost, uncertain and keep me needing him. I worked with the ENT specialists, I asked an excessive number of them for a repair of my nose (septal hole fix), they don’t have any idea how to perform such a medical procedure and said it’s excessively challenging to do it here, one of them recommended me to do the surgery in Germany, I’m certain the specialist who took my septum concurred with my dad, to cause me to endure and bombed my life as a clinical doctor. I think my dad is self-centred, psychopathy or both together, and the surgeon who helped him is 100% mentally unstable. I’m experiencing this hates since I was little with no help, harassing, no friends, abandoned from going out alone or having fun with my friends or any of my cousins.
Still, I need your help!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- As his child, grown or not, you have rights over him too, and just because he is your father does not give him the right to treat you badly.
- Sometimes it feels like people around us hate us due to the way we interpret their actions. There may be plenty of examples of when your father has been kind and supportive of you.
- Go to Friday prayer each week to begin with to get to know the local brothers bit by bit, and then increasing it to more gatherings within the mosque as you get to know them more.
We alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
I can understand why this is causing you so much distress.
From what you are presenting, it really does sound like your father is bit a good man with the way he is treating you. Sure, as your father, he has many rights over you and should be rightfully respected.
Your Rights as a Child
However, at the same time, as his child, grown or not, you have rights over him too, and just because he is your father does not give him the right to treat you badly.
However, whilst this is true, I am not aware of the full story, so I would reserve judgement and leave that to Allah.
Regardless of your father’s intent in his seemingly strange actions, it is clear that you are feeling distressed, as the experience you are having is true to you.
As unbearable as your father’s behavior towards you seems and feels, there may be some other reason behind it that you just can’t see.
How We Interpret Events
Sometimes it feels like people around us hate us due to the way we interpret their actions, when in fact there was something entirely different behind their actions that was entirely different from what we had attributed to the cause of their behavior.
It is not uncommon, for example, to see a friend or loved one walk past us in the street and seemingly ignore us. Then we attribute a negative story to their behavior, such as that perhaps they don’t like us or that they deliberately avoided us for some reason, leading us to feel upset or angry.
Only to later find out that they genuinely didn’t see us or that they were preoccupied with something terrible going on in their life.
This is a simple and trivial example, but it shows an example with which we are all familiar to some extent and highlights what I’m trying to say regarding the way you perceive your father’s attitude towards you.
Given that you have mentioned here that you are unable to think positively anymore, there may be a chance that this is indeed what is happening.
Find Evidence to Its Opposite
Do also remember that there may be plenty of examples of when your father has been kind and supportive of you.
The fact that you went to China to study and have returned to the family home suggests that there must be some level of support for you at least.
If he hated you that much, surely he would not have let you return to the family home and told you to get a place of your own. Similarly, it seems he is supporting your siblings in a similar way by allowing them to go and study abroad.
On the other hand, there are other things that can be done to approach the situation aside from dealing with your relationship with your father.
Other Ways To Feel Better
Given your age and qualifications, there’s no reason why you could not go and find somewhere else to stay at this point without being disrespectful to your father or family.
Having this space from each other might help to improve bonds between you, as you will be together less and therefore appreciate each other’s company more when you are around each other.
In the meantime, why not look up where you can get the procedure done that you are seeking?
If you don’t trust your father’s recommendations or local doctors who may know him, then there is no harm in going elsewhere, especially since it would seem that getting it done locally is not an option anyway.
Aside from this, it is very important to maintain strong faith in Allah, and a good way to do this is to be around a good circle of brothers who will be able to support you with this.
At 29, your father cannot prevent you from doing this whether you are living at home or not.
It is in your own best interests that you are mixing outside with other brothers, not only for preserving your Deen but also for your mental health.
Find Peace
It will take time to rebuild your confidence and psychological well-being, but in sha Allah, with patience and perseverance on His path, you will find peace and contentment with your closeness to Him.
Given the way you are feeling right now, this might even be difficult to begin with, but it is something you can do gradually to ease yourself in.
It may be just going to Friday prayer each week to begin with to get to know the local brothers bit by bit, and then increasing it to more gatherings within the mosque as you get to know them more.
Taking these baby steps will help such interactions become more natural, as well as get you out of the house and more integrated into the community.
In sha Allah, this will then have a positive impact on your mental health due to the positive relationships that you have developed as well as your increasing closeness to Allah.
May Allah make your path easy and ease relationships with your father and family. May He grant you happiness and success in this life and the next.
Read more:
- Divorced New Muslim: Feeling Lonely in a Non-Muslim Land
- Overweight Husband Doesn’t Care About His Health
- Heal your Heart with Sr. Hannah’s Advice
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DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.