I am Fed Up with My Parent’s Fights

08 August, 2020
Q My parents fight everyday, this isn’t anything new, rather I am quite used to them fighting, but I am just sick of it now, I can’t live with them and I don’t want to have anything towards them.

I know you are going to say that we shouldn’t break ties of kinship because we may go to hell for that but I fear that if I stay with them any longer, I will either go psycho or kill myself(which I haven’t yet done because of the fear of losing my hereafter life).

I am religious and I pray 5 times everyday and am still trying to make my fajr prayer constant. I along with my 2 brothers and 1 sister have tried to resolve the issue ,but it's worthless.

We are completely isolated from both sides maternal and paternal of the family because of several verbal fights (though not extreme) but no one comes to visit us except if there is anyone sick and wants help from my parents and stay in the house and go away after they are cured.

Everyone from both sides just take help when they require it from my parents and then "ditch" them. No calls. No visits. Not even on Eid.

I hate everyone in the family because no one admits their mistakes and forgives others shortcomings even my own father and mother and aunt and uncle. Their marriage is now 20 years old.

And ever since I was a child they have only provided me financial aid and food and shelter and water and education but I as a child just wanted a happy home which I never got. I asked Allah to take my life whenever they fought in my childhood.

I was bullied at school as a child because of me having a moustache and even on the internet. I didn't have any friends when I was in 1st grade till the time I was in 7th grade and alhumdulilah everything is good now with the school as I now have friends by Allah's decree and help.

As I hit puberty, by the decree of Allah, my brother saw several YouTube videos on Islam by famous scholars which influenced him to become a good Muslim and resolved his doubts and via my brother me and my other siblings also got guided.

Though my parents are muslims, they have a mindset of praying only when they have time for it. My parents never forced me to pray Salah and never forced me to fast in Ramadan rather they told me that I was a child rather I hit puberty and according to Islam I had to do it.

What do I do? Please help me.

Answer


In this counseling session:

As you expressed suicidal thoughts twice in your message, I must start with advising you to call the suicidal hotline if any time in the future you get the feeling you want to kill yourself.

Sister, life has tests for everyone, yet if you pay attention, you realize how beautiful it is.

The best way to calm these emotions down is to talk about them. You might want to talk to your siblings or a trusted friend.

Nurture yourself. Do some sport, read a good book, be in nature as much as possible. Do anything that cheers you up.

You should talk to your parents about how their fights stress you out and your siblings.

Approach them individually. Choose a time when they are in a good mood. Talk about your feelings, how their fights affect you.

You can take anyone as your role model and mentor.


Salam Aleikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your concerns. I am sad to read your message. Living in a stressful family where fights occur every day is really hard for anyone, let alone a 15 old young lady like you. I pray to Allah to make your situation easy for you, biznillah.

Life is worth living it

As you expressed suicidal thoughts twice in your message, I must start with advising you to call the suicidal hotline if any time in the future you get the feeling you want to kill yourself.

I am not aware of your country, thus I cannot give you the exact number, but if you Google search, you will easily find it in your area. Please call them!

Sister, life has tests for everyone, yet if you pay attention, you realize how beautiful it is.

He is Who made the sun a shining brightness and the moon a light, and ordained for it phases that you might know the computation of years and the reckoning [of time]. God did not create it but with truth; He makes the signs manifest for a people who have knowledge. – (Quran 10:5)

One way that helps you realize and appreciate the beauty is writing a gratefulness journal. Every morning or night write down at least 3 things you were grateful for that day. Anything little counts: you ate a delicious meal, you enjoyed the sunshine….This task will help you a lot to always be in a good mood no matter what life throws at you. 

The other way is listening to other people’s stories who have been less “fortunate” than us. This helps us appreciate our hardships.

Secondly, you mentioned a previous school bully. Please sister, if you feel it still affects you, contact your school counselor, a psychologist in your local area or our counseling service. 

I am Fed Up with My Parent's Fights - About Islam

Solutions for a stressful family home

You wrote “your parents fight every day”, yet it is not clear for me: do they fight with you or with each other “only”?

I assume they fight with each other that – naturally – stresses you out, so I will answer accordingly. However, if they fight with you, then please email us back with more details so that we can help. If you do not feel safe at home and emotional or physical abuse occur, please contact your local child helpline!

First of all, know that fights are normal in a family. Managing the household is challenging, thus there are many things parents can disagree on – and fight. Here the problem is that, as you say, they do it too frequently which makes the whole house frustrated. 

You did not express it, but if you think “it is my fault”, then please be sure: it is not your fault!

Many emotions must be swirling around in your heart such as sadness, anger, disappointment. The best way to calm these emotions down is to talk about them. Especially as you are a female, “talking out” an important strategy for gaining your mental peace. You might want to talk to your siblings (as they might live in the same household so they might go through the same) or a trusted friend.

You should talk to your parents as well about how their fights stress you out and your siblings.

Approach them individually. Choose a time when they are in a good mood. Talk about your feelings, how their fights affect you. If it feels too scary, talk to a trusted adult who will help you make your parents aware of their unhealthy behavior.

Sister, you can also contemplate on the following: how does a happy home look like to you? What does a day look like? What do you and others in the household do? What would make it happy? What do you see, what do you hear? 

If you get the picture, now look at what you need in order to create this atmosphere. Maybe you might want to suggest organizing some family activities, joining a family event at your mosque (Eid is a very good opportunity for that).

Maybe you need to spend more time with your mother and father, or get closer with your siblings and have fun with them. What could you and your siblings do to feel happier at the moment in that household?

Nurture yourself. Now it is summer holiday, so use this time to do things that you enjoy. You said you have friends, mashallah, so chill with them, organize some activities. Do some sport, read a good book, be in nature as much as possible. Do anything that cheers you up.

Mashallah that your brother influenced you to be more practicing in your religion. This is a huge blessing and source of happiness in itself. Please sister, find the joy in studying Islam (maybe together with your brother) and enjoy being in the mosque frequently as an active member of the community, inshallah.

You are not alone sister. A Muslim community could be a shelter for you and a place where you can seek help for your problems. Be with other sisters, find someone knowledgeable ones you can turn to with your problem, inshallah. 


Check out this counseling video:


You can take anyone as your role model and mentor

In the last part of your message, you expressed disappointment over that your parents do not practice Islam much and that “never forced me to pray Salah and never forced me to fast in Ramadan rather they told me that I was a child.”

In my interpretation, this means you feel hurt because your parents have not guided you in your life as much as you wished for. Sister, I am sure your parents have never wanted to hurt you. If you feel in Islamic terms, they cannot be your role model and mentor, then find someone else who could give you this guidance, this encouragement to be a better Muslim. Maybe your brother, maybe someone else in the community. 

Parents do their best, yet they might lack certain things we children would need from them. 

Be the fire who lights up the relationship with your relatives

Lastly, you expressed frustration over not having regular contact with your extended family. Have you tried reaching out to them? You might want to chat with your cousins or your aunts and set up a meeting. Or talk to your parents about how you miss big family gathering and suggest inviting them over. 

Sister, if you have further questions or issues, please do not hesitate to contact us! I hope my answer relieves some of your stress and gives you some guidance. 

Keep up your prayers sister, and work on strengthening your relationship with Allah. This brings ultimate success. 

As Allah says in a hadeeth Qudsi: “ Whoever comes to me walking, I will come to him running.” (Saheeh Muslim)

Make dua to Him He softens your parents heart and turns them more into Islam. Make dua that you and your siblings live in a happy and relaxed family house, biznillah.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Timea Aya Csányi
Timea Aya Csányi pursues her BSc. degree in Psychology and Islamic Studies at the Islamic Online University. She is a certified NLP® Practitioner, one of our writers and counselors at the "Ask the Counselor" section. She works as a fitness trainer who is specialized in the spine and functional training. She is advocates for gaining self-love and confidence through exercising. If you are a Muslimah who seeks spine-friendly online training with a PT, you can reach out to Timea at [email protected]