However, as far as I remember my father has had anger problems time to time whereby he would direct anger towards my mother. He would get really angry and then he would not speak to my mother for a period of time. There even was a time 5 years ago that he and my mom did not speak for 2 months. Please note that the intervals in which this would happen is not extremely frequent and I would say that I am living in an abusive family.
In the most recent episode of anger my father started yelling at my mom and he used the most foul words in our language and it really hurt for me to see him call my mother that. He hasn't said a word to her in 2 weeks. I have tried telling him that this behavior is wrong but he just doesn't listen and he even justifies it by saying that Rasullulah(PBUH) has not talked to his wife for a month. Yesterday, I told him that I feel sad that you are not talking to my mom and even showed him how I feel. However, he got angry and told me to be mature and not involve in his personal life. He even says that these kind of fights in the family are normal. Whenever he fights with my Mom, it's always about household chores and cooking.
My guess on why he is like this is because he grew up in an abusive and neglectful environment where people are not treating their families well. His mother was emotionally abusive towards him and his siblings, his brother-in-law was abusive towards his sister. His brother is mentally unstable due to being neglected emotionally by his parents and I am aware that he did not treat his wife well. His other brother was emotionally blackmailed into marrying his cousin by his mother which made the next 18 years of his life miserable. The issue I have is that whenever my Dad gets angry at my mom I think about how horrible my grandmother was and I have even said nasty things about her despite her having passed away 2 years ago. I also started developing hatred towards his brother who as I mentioned earlier was neglected by his parents emotionally because I am aware that he has the same characteristic. These thoughts keep passing into my head despite knowing that holding grudges is haram. I have even said horrible things about them in anger. How can I stop thinking about them? I want my own mental peace. These feelings of grudges are making me miserable. I don't want to think of them anymore.
Honestly, what I am frustrated about is that whenever there is a conflict either between him and my mother is that he does not resolve conflicts quickly and he keeps silent treatment and anger for prolonged periods of time. He even doesn't accept responsibility for his own mistakes and has never apologized to my mom even if does reconcile with her. Note that in his family it is not a custom for people to realize their own mistakes. No one ever does, especially if they're from the older generation. I really wish and hope that you read this message. I really need an answer to this as I feel very distressed about this situation.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- You frequently find this pattern where emotional abuse is taking place because the family is very poorly equipped with conflict resolution and communication skills.
- Start practicing the right way to deal with conflicts. Apologize if needed, say sorry when you lose your temper, recognize your mistakes, etc. For the sake of Allah, no need to think whether the other “deserves” it or not.
- Think about it this way: you are responsible for your manners and he for his. If he speaks in a hurtful way, those are his manners not yours. Your reaction is the one you can and have to control.
Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah, dear brother,
Thank you for sharing your story and turning to us for advice.
I am really sorry for what has been happening to your home, especially what you relate about your father and his family.
You love him and see his protection and care for you but not really on an emotional level.
It seems that you are looking for the answers in the right place, though, of course, it is saddening to realize that your father and his brothers grew up in emotional neglect.
Unfortunately, it seems that these experiences were not balanced enough with other positive and strengthening ones that could have helped them realize where they were coming from, not carry on their wounds further, and make their own family lives emotionally healthier.
May Allah help them to gain awareness, and may He soften their hearts and bring them change, ameen.
Silent Treatment Is Not Sunnah
Silent treatment is a common practice, and unfortunately, some people justify it with the „sunnah”, as you also mention. Read more about why it is a mistake here: When to Give Your Spouse the ‘Silent Treatment’?
This is a huge misunderstanding. What we understand as silent treatment is no more than a form of emotional abuse where one person deliberately uses deprivation of love, care, and attention as a punishment for any mistake, and there is no form of discussion, communication, or resolution of the conflict either before or after.
What you mention is also a key point: “in his family, it is not a custom for people to realize their own mistakes.”
Yes, you frequently find this pattern where emotional abuse is taking place because the family is very poorly equipped with conflict resolution and communication skills. They do not recognize, apologize for, and reconcile after a disagreement. The errors and mistakes are followed by harsh punishment, even if the mistake was unintentional.
Growing up in emotional neglect and in a „cold” atmosphere also develops the idea that dealing with and expressing emotions, especially those that have to do with vulnerability, like sadness, frustration, etc., are “childish” and one has to be „mature enough” and not show his vulnerability or any feelings of compassion for others.
Dear brother, I know that it is not easy growing up in a family like this. And we don’t know where or with whom it started: maybe your grandma also suffered from his parents’ neglect, maybe her parents too, etc.
Of course, being a former victim cannot justify oppression and ill-treatment, as we are going to be accountable for our own deeds and actions. If we know what is wrong and right, we have to make conscious efforts to choose the right way and manners to deal with others.
Masallah, you are blessed with the ability to see these unhealthy patterns and are ready to change them. You would like to break the cycle, and in sha Allah, you will.
You are asking, how?
What I can say is to first focus on yourself and then help your mother too.
You probably cannot change the behavior of your father if he cannot or doesn’t want to deal with his own pain and past suffering. I am sure he loves you and his family but he may struggle with emotional issues. Only Allah knows what is in his heart, and I truly hope that one day he changes for the better, but it is not in our hands but in Allah’s.
So, what you can do is make dua for him. Ask Allah to soften his heart and help him heal.
Distinguish His Feelings from Yours
The second step is to be able to distinguish his feelings from yours. If his treatment is unfair, it is NOT you and NOT about you, brother. You do not need to respond with anything other than the right manners.
Think about it this way: you are responsible for your manners and he for his. If he speaks in a hurtful way, those are his manners not yours. If he behaves with disrespect, again, it is about his manners and not yours. He is accountable for it, not you.
When it happens and you notice these behaviors and words, just let them pass without letting yourself get emotional.
Remember, your reaction is the one you can and have to control. At the beginning, it will necessitate more attention—not getting angry and affected, but keeping trying it.
Remind yourself that his behavior is his responsibility, and your reaction is yours. Try to keep calm and not drag yourself down with his emotional state, anger, or whatever.
You can use your imagination, if that helps, and, for example, draw a shield or a wall between your emotions and his words, or between you and him in those moments.
Reaching Emotional Stabilty
If you practice emotional stability and distance in these situations, you will feel stronger and also notice more clearly what is actually happening. If you do not talk back and take it personally, it may feel like he is throwing stones at a “wall” or a shield, and those stones cannot harm you.
With this, you do not give room for fights and quarrels from your side, and the other remains the one who has to deal with his own anger.
Remember the hadith of the Prophet, peace be upon him:
“The person who is strong is not strong because he can knock people down. The person who is strong is the one who controls himself when he is angry.” (Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 1317)
And start practicing the right way to deal with conflicts. Apologize if needed, say sorry when you lose your temper, recognize your mistakes, etc. For the sake of Allah, you do not have to think whether the other “deserves” it or not.
Learn about effective communication and healthy conflict resolution.
Here are some tips from our site: Effective Marital Communication: Fighting Fair, Dealing With Others – Consider These 4 Steps From Quran
Help your mother shift perspective too, to protect her self-esteem and not identify herself with the harsh words of her husband.
Maybe with time, with the help of Allah, he will notice the change, and this will let him think about and reflect. Maybe he realizes that while it is normal to have disagreements in a family, there are healthier and better ways to deal with conflict.
But first, it is about you and your future. Work on your character; try to learn manners that please Allah and others around you.
Think about it, brother, that one day you will also be a father, in sha Allah, and you will be grateful to Allah that you treat them with kindness and respect and listen to their needs.
May Allah reward your efforts, ameen.
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