I’m 20 years old and I’ve had a girl friend since I was 16 when I didn’t know any better. Now I’ve found my way back into becoming a better Muslim. I’m conflicted if I can marry a non Muslim woman.
I’ve made promises and she loves me but I don’t think she’ll convert to Islam what do I do?
I don’t wanna hurt her and I if I force her to become Muslim she would probably not be happy with herself. And I know that Allah (swt) doesn’t forgive sins committed onto other people.
Would breaking my promise and hurting her be a sin? Also she has a past of self harm. I’m scared that if I leave she will cause harm to herself. I know that it is a big sin if she does that and I’m the reason.
Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling session:
- Islam is not just a paper. It starts with the intention and a sincere belief in Allah and that Prophet Muhammad was His last Prophet and Messenger. Anyone might pronounce the sahadah by his or her tongue, yet these words mean nothing to Allah if they do not manifest in their heart.
- There is no any point to force anyone to become a Muslim and sign a paper. Doing this for the sake of a marriage is even more disrespectful towards Allah. Be sure that marriage is doomed to fail as the foundations were based on a lie.
- Be an ambassador of Islam to her. However, never push. Answer when she asks, but do not be too pushy.
- I sincerely advise you that if you think of marrying this lady, you first help her find a solution to her problem of self-harm.
Salam Aleikom brother,
Thank you for writing to us and placing your trust in us.
First of all, brother, you must know that as a Muslim man, you are allowed to marry a Christian or Jewish lady.
Allah says in the Quran:
“This day are (all) things good and pure made lawful unto you. The food of the People of the Book is lawful unto you and yours is lawful unto them. (Lawful unto you in marriage) are (not only) chaste women who are believers, but chaste women among the People of the Book, revealed before your time,- when ye give them their due dowers, and desire chastity, not lewdness, nor secret intrigues… (Quran, 5:5)”
You can read more about this on this link.
So, you can marry this lady if she belongs to any of these two faiths. Inshallah by the time she will see the beauty of Islam, especially if you show a good example to her, and she will decide to convert to Islam, naturally.
I encourage you to pray istikhara prayer, and also look at whether you match. Because being a Muslim is not the only criteria that ensures the happiness of a marriage. I mean obviously having the same guidance for life makes things easier, but as you know Muslims differ in so many things and both of them can be just as right as the other.
Islam gives the frames, but what you do between the limits are your personal choice – which can create so many misunderstanding and problems in a marriage.
So, you must ensure that you share common core values and way of thinking. For example, someone who believes that a wife cannot work will not match a lady who does want to work for the sake of her own happiness. etc.
What family patterns people bring into a marriage, what future goals they have…There are so many things to discuss and test before marriage.
Here are some articles you might find useful to decide whether this lady is your potential wife:
Forcing Islam on Someone
Unfortunately, many Muslims feel the need to force their partner to become Muslim. Many Muslim woman wish to marry a non-Muslim men (or vica verse) who, eventually, convert to Islam officially – but never practices it. In fact, they do not even believe in Islam. This is so wrong.
Islam is not just a paper. It starts with the intention and a sincere belief in Allah and that Prophet Muhammad was His last Prophet and Messenger. Anyone might pronounce the sahadah by his or her tongue, yet these words mean nothing to Allah if they do not manifest in their heart.
So, really, there is no any point to force anyone to become a Muslim and sign a paper. Doing this for the sake of a marriage is even more disrespectful towards Allah. Be sure that marriage is doomed to fail as the foundations were based on a lie.
Islam is a way of life. It encompasses so many daily habits that without a firm belief, I cannot imagine anyone could do for years. The “pinky glasses” one wears when being in love might make the lady accept the conditions at first, but be sure, if she does not do anything to grow her faith in Islam, she will eventually not only leave Islam but the “imprisoning” marriage itself too. So, really, there is no point.
This obviously applies when following Islam means something to that Muslim spouse anyway. If even he does not really follow Islam as a Muslim, then his wife being a Muslim or a nonMuslim will not be much of an issue, I believe.
Show Good Example
However, you do seem to care about your religion, Alhamdulillah. This is a sign of a true believer. May Allah keep you on the straight path always.
Therefore, I would encourage you to show a good example to her.
I believe women love conforming to their husbands – this might be the reason Allah allowed for Muslim men to marry Christian or Jewish women, and not the opposite. Allahu allem.
Therefore, if you show how Muslims live, how much happiness and peace Islam gives to its followers, why Islam is God’s true religion, eventually, she will dive deep into learning about Islam.
However, if you are careless about your own faith, she will never know what she misses without Islam. So, be an ambassador of Islam to her.
However, never push. Answer when she asks, but do not be too pushy. Converting to Islam must be her own decision, because she believes it is the truth and she wishes to live according to its teachings, not this marriage merely.
Check out this counseling video:
Breaking a promise
About breaking promises and whether the action you did is sinful, I cannot say anything as I am not an Islamic scholar. I can only advise you to write our Ask the Scholar section.
However, you said she was your girlfriend. I am not aware of what exactly happened between the two of you, but romantic relationship outside the marriage is not allowed in Islam.
“whenever two strangers of the opposite gender are alone with each other, Satan becomes the third one between them.” (At-Tirmidhi)
Here you can read more about this issue.
Therefore, I advise you to sincerely repent to Allah, if you have not, and if you are sure about this lady that you wish to live the rest of your life with her, you marry her as soon as possible. Adhering to the rules of Allah secures His blessing on the marriage, inshallah.
Self-Harm
You mentioned about this lady harming herself when being distressed. You fear that if you hurt her in any way (like breaking up with her), then she would self harm.
First of all, you must know that, unfortunately, self-harm is way too common among the youth than you would think.
According to mentalhealth.org.uk, 10% of the youth (and adults, as a matter of fact) – boys and girls – self harm themselves when they feel uncontrolled stress. Self harm does not mean suicide. It often manifests into cutting, burning or kicking oneself.
Everyone has different things that cause stress and worry them. Some people can manage these troubles by talking to friends and family, while others may find these difficulties overwhelming.
Expression
When we don’t express our emotions and talk about the things that make us distressed, angry or upset, the pressure can build up and become unbearable. Some people turn this in on themselves and use their bodies as a way to express the thoughts and feelings they can’t say aloud. People often harm themselves when this all gets too much.
Therefore, although it feels painful to learn that your loved ones – a friend, a family member, or the person you wish to marry – do self-harm, you are in no way responsible for their actions.
You can guide them to learn better ways of solving their problems. For example, you may want to encourage her to do sport, or talk about her feelings more openly, or seek help from a professional. However, do not suppress yourself just because you fear the other person might do something with herself. This would be emotional blackmailing and abuse towards you. Do not let this happen.
I sincerely advise you that if you think of marrying this lady, you first help her find a solution to her problem of self-harm. Imagine, you are married and have disputes. You cannot be terrified for the rest of your life when she would harm herself just because you guys did not agree on something and it hurt her.
Tell her to seek help from a professional, that is the easiest and quickest way inshallah to put an end to this.
Make lots of dua to Allah and keep yourself close to Him in order to have a successful life and marriage, biznillah. Pray for her that Allah guides her to the true path.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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