I was never attracted to anyone. I wanted to live my life serving my parents and advancing my career.
My mother set me up with a man I had no interest in and did not like even though he is a good person. He is not abusive or has any severe bad manners, but I am not able to love him as we lack compatibility. I am not attracted to him. I may be aromantic and asexual.
Despite making several protests before the marriage, my mother convinced and manipulated me into the marriage. Now I am stuck being unhappy. I feel depressed as we had been engaged for 6 months and married for 3 and have yet to consummate the marriage.
Anything I do against the marriage would bring shame to my family.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Only one percent of the population is asexual. If you are unsure, please read more about the topic.
It is best at this point if you cannot make this marriage work, to be upfront with your husband and part ways amicably.
Again, the family may be upset for a while, but a while is much better than a whole lifetime. You deserve to live a life that makes you happy and to be true to yourself, and your husband deserves the same.
As salamu alaykum dear sister,
I am sorry to hear about your situation in terms of what you wanted for your life and the life you are currently living.
Asexual
Sister, those are very noble aspirations in life to serve one’s parents and advance a career. However, I would like you to ask yourself a question in regards to feeling asexual (not being attracted to anyone). Have you always felt like this?
According to research, 1% of the population is asexual. If you are not sure if you are asexual or not, I encourage you to study scholarly articles about it. Attend a few brief counseling sessions to further understand your sexuality.
This will help you to formulate a stronger sense of self-moving forward. If you determine that you are asexual then it makes complete sense that you have other goals and objectives in life other than marriage and children.
I respect and honor your insight as well as your chosen direction in life, serving others and advancing your career.
Societal Expectations
As you probably already see, problems can arise regarding high expectations for marriage and children from society and parents. As you know, however, in Islam one cannot be forced to marry. In fact, a woman who was forced to marry may not be considered married.
Coerced into Marriage
You did not want to marry however, at some point you did agree to marry him. As I can imagine, there was great pressure put upon you. You did indicate that you protested several times before the marriage but your mother convinced and manipulated you into the marriage.
Current Status
As you are now married and you have not yet consummated the marriage. Sister, does your husband know that you may be asexual?
Should he know that you may be asexual he may file for divorce because of the fact that marriage entails sexual relationships and usually having children. If he knew upfront before marriage that you did not desire this, perhaps he would not want to get married either.
Speak with Husband
Sister, I kindly suggest that you sit down and speak with your husband about how you are feeling.
You said that he is not abusive, that he does have good manners, and is a good person. Insha’Allah once you discuss with him how you feel, who you are as a young Muslima, what you are capable of in terms of a relationship, and what you are not capable of, perhaps he will be kind, merciful, and gentle, and agree to a divorce.
Conclusion
Sister, I do understand when you said that anything you do against the marriage would bring shame to your family. However, we are talking about your life and your husband’s life. The two of you are the ones that have to live in this marriage – not your family.
It is best at this point if you cannot make this marriage work, to be upfront with your husband and part ways amicably. If this is truly what you would like.
Again, the family may be upset for a while, but a while is much better than a whole lifetime.
You deserve to live a life that makes you happy and to be true to yourself, and your husband deserves the same.
We wish you the best.
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