I had always wanted to be a religious female and marry a religious med student, and both share a life as doctors helping others, doing dawah and raising religious kids. I have seen many families where dads are doctors, religious, and great fathers and in laws. I am sincerely making dua.
All my dreams seem to be shattering. My life seems very complicated. However, when I lost motivation and did not do well in school, my father got mad at me and cursed me. He said that I will never find a doctor to marry and never get into medicine myself. He has been looking to get me married, and Allah SWT is sending me proposals, alhamdulillah, but no one is in medical school. They are not even as religious as I hope them to be.
Why is this happening? I really wanted to marry a doctor and be a doctor myself and go to my home country often and help others. Men who are not doctors simply will not understand me. Other professions are not the same.
It has been almost two years since we first started looking and nothing I want has come my way. I try sincerely to practice and do dawah and hold religious halaqas, and I myself counsel others. But, sadly, my heart is fixated on marrying a religious med student or medical resident, who will become a doctor iA. I don't know what is happening.
Every time I say this to my dad, he gets really mad. My mom cannot do much. My dad is very loud and intimidating, but she makes dua and supports me.
I am not sure why no proper proposal, even religious, is coming my way. I really want Allah SWT to listen to me. I also have this feeling that even if any potential medical students did come to my dad, he probably sent the family away or expressed no interest. My feelings are usually right.
I really want to get what I want this time. I really do. I am really making dua. Please give me some tips so that Allah will listen to me and accept my dua.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
“Exercising patience, making du’aa’ during the best times, as well as identifying reasons why Allah (swt) might not be answering your prayers will help you to make progress in your quest for the ideal spouse for you, in sha’ Allah.“
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatuhli wa Barakatuh sister,
You are at an age where both marriage and a career are important to you.
You are eager to get married to a righteous medical student as you feel you will connect and understand each other well.
Despite the number of offers you have had, none of them have met this criteria even though you have made du’aa’ for it.
Indeed, it can inevitably become very frustrating when you continually make du’aa’ and your prayers seem to be going unanswered.
Allah answers your prayers
Your main focus here is on how to get Allah (swt) to listen to you, but before addressing this, it’s important to take a look at yourself first.
Since you have provided a detailed account of where you are at now, we can look at some things that are specific to your situation that might be affecting this first in order.
We need to also ensure that you can identify how your thoughts impact on the way you make du’aa’ and perceive the answer from Allah (swt) (i.e. feeling like no one who meets your criteria is making a proposal or that your dad is potentially turning a suitable spouse away).
Perhaps, you feel Allah (swt) does not answer your supplications, but because His answer might not in a way you want or expect.
You want a good spouse and He (swt) might send one your way, but because of your specific criteria for a medical student, you don’t realize that your prayer has been answered.
So ask yourself, is Allah (swt) really not answering your call to Him? Or maybe He (wt) is answering, but there is a reason why you don’t see it?
How does your present mindset affect your perceptions of when this moment might occur? Ask yourself if this could be standing in the way.
Perhaps, what you are looking for is not what Allah (swt) thinks is good for you.
“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (Qur’an, 2:216)
Remember, Allah (swt) knows best. He (swt) knows you even better than you know your own self; He (swt) is closer to you than your jugular vein. (Qur’an, 50: 16)
Marriage
Another thing we could take from this is that maybe what you pray for is not good for you.
Maybe marrying a medical student would not be good for you.
May be you are destined to marry a teacher, a psychologist, or a police officer, for example.
As we know, the most important characteristic is that of piety, and the career of a person is not always the best reflection of this.
There are other professions that allow people to successfully travel and give daw’ah as you desire to achieve in the future.
Naturally, as an aspiring doctor yourself, you will have this internal bias towards a doctor.
As humans, we do tend to favor people who share certain similarities to us.
But sometimes that can come at a cost of avoiding stepping out of our box and comfort zone and not seeking what we’re looking for elsewhere – perhaps somewhere that would actually be better for us or have more benefits.
Check out this counseling video:
Understanding spouse
Certainly, as you suggest, a doctor would understand your daily routine, perhaps more so than someone from any other profession.
But it does not mean that you cannot be compatible with someone else in another profession and live a happy life with someone in a different career field.
This is something to consider when you consider your criteria for a spouse.
Father
Regarding your dad, trust that your dad has been there before and so has experience. L
He is able to view your situation from an external, more neutral lens without the same bias you have
Additionally, as your father, naturally, he wants a good spouse for you, too. So, trust that he is also looking out for your best interests.
Taking his view into account and trying to see things from his perspective will also help you to see things from another angle.
Purpose of marriage
To begin with, you can go back and think about the purpose of marriage and why you want to get married and be very sure about your criteria.
We know the importance of marriage in Islam, but obviously you also want to marry someone who you think you will be comfortable with.
Marriage is a protection from many sins and a means to have our needs met, so this is why it is good to marry young.
However, understandably, you want to feel you are marrying someone you can spend your life with and achieve what you want to achieve.
Taking a closer look at your own perspective and how it might be affecting your du’aa’ and perception of Allah’s (swt) response is the first step you can take to understand why your prayers have not been answered in the way you want.
Beyond this, there are many other ways you can ensure that Allah (swt) listens to your du’aa’, including having patience and trust in Allah (swt) and praying during the times when Allah (swt) listens to prayers most.
Allah is the best planner
Allah (swt) is the best of planners and answers prayers at the perfect time.
The only way you will truly appreciate this is by getting close to Him in worship, by praying, making du’aa’, reading the Qur’an and studying Islamic knowledge, for example, and remembering Him (swt) in everything you do.
You need to truly believe that when the time is right Allah (swt) will bring the best person your way. Allah (swt) loves to answer people’s prayers, so continue to ask and be patient in your requests.
“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” (Qur’an, 2:153)
“And Allah is the best of planners” (Qur’an, 8:30)
Allah (swt) always listens to us, but there are many times when Allah (swt) has specified that He (swt) answers prayers, so intensifying your du’aa’ during these times is another way to be confident that Allah (swt) listens. Such times include when:
1, in sujood (prostration),
“The nearest a servant comes to his Lord is when he is prostrating himself, so make supplication (in this state).” (Sahih Muslim)
2, during the last third of the night,
“Allah descends every night to the lowest heaven when one-third of the first part of the night is over and says: I am the Lord; I am the Lord: who is there to supplicate Me so that I answer him? Who is there to beg of Me so that I grant him? Who is there to beg forgiveness from Me so that I forgive him? He continues like this till the day breaks.” (Sahih Muslim)
3, on a Friday an hour before maghrib,
“There is an hour (opportune time) on Friday and if a Muslim gets it while praying and asks something from Allah, then Allah will definitely meet his demand.” And he (the Prophet) pointed out the shortness of that time with his hands.” (Sahih al-Bukhari)
4, between adhaan and iqaamah,
“The supplication made between the adhan and the iqamah is not rejected.” (Abi Dawud)
5, when travelling,
“Three supplications are accepted, there is no doubt in them (about them being accepted): The supplication of the oppressed, the supplication of the traveler, and the supplication of his father against his son.” (Tirmidhi)
6, and when breaking a fast,
“When the fasting person breaks his fast, his supplication is not turned back.” (Ibn Majah)
So, Allah (swt) in His infinite mercy has given you many opportunities even within a day to ask Him.
In addition to this, you might also look to reasons why your prayers don’t seem to get answered. Check your eman.
Do you do all your obligatory duties? Do you eat halal food? Are you of good character? Have you committed any sin?
Get all these things in shape too by ensuring to increase your faith, show good character, and sincerely repent for any sin you have committed that might be standing in the way of your prayers being answered.
Conclusion
So, overall, in your given situation, begin by going back and taking a look on your own perceptions of marriage and whether Allah (swt) truly isn’t answering your prayers, and if so, why this might be, based on your own perceptions of how you expect Allah (swt) to answer your prayers.
Beyond this, exercising patience, making du’aa’ during the best times, as well as identifying reasons why Allah (swt) might not be answering your prayers will help you to make progress in your quest for the ideal spouse for you, in sha’ Allah.
May Allah (swt) ease your anxieties and grant you a righteous spouse that will bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.
Salam,
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