I want to really marry her but I overthink about the following- 1) what if someone saved her pictures. 2) she doesn’t know what I said, how many times and other details like which pics 3) I feel like a very bad person when I am in front of her.
I have cried to Allah a lot of times and I believe he’s forgiven me.
Answer
Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah brother,
Thank you for writing to us and asking for further clarification about your concern.
If I understand well, you committed indecent acts with the pictures of a girl who you wish to marry. And although she does not know the details, she is aware that you were on online dating apps and that you shared her images.
She forgave you, and she prefers not to know more about it. But you keep overthinking this issue. Your concerns are:
- What if someone saved her pictures?
Brother, I cannot tell you with certainty that this has not happened.
You know, there is a principle in Islam, which is: certainty cannot be overruled by doubt.
It means that until you are certain 100% about something, you cannot take the doubtful matter as certain.
Brother, I am not an Islamic scholar, so this is not a scholarly opinion. You can write to Ask the Scholar for more details on this topic.
But I would like you to see your doubts from this perspective.
What if someone saved a picture? Until you know with certainty that this actually happened, do not worry about it.
You say that you repented and asked for forgiveness from Allah and also from the girl. Trust full-heartedly that Allah has forgiven you:
“O My servants who have exceeded the limits against their souls! Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah certainly forgives all sins. He is indeed the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (39:53)
You said that she forgave you, alhamdulillah.
Forgive Yourself
You also have to forgive yourself. That is very important.
Brother, I am sure that you are aware that your relationship, according to your letter, seems to be way beyond the Islamic etiquette of premarital relationships.
If you really love her, legalize your bond with her as soon as possible through nikah. It may alleviate your guilt that you are only using her to satisfy your lusts.
You have to accept also that you were not able to control your desires and used her images for your lust and maybe for others’.
But also recognize that you are now a better person and are striving to be even better. Forgive yourself, as this is necessary in order to be able to move on.
Of course, giving up bad habits takes time, and you need to be patient and resilient to resist any temptation. And repentance needs to be followed by a change in action and behavior.
This relates to another topic in your letter. About masturbation addiction and the dark content and inappropriate touches of your sisters in the past.
Reasons Behind Addiction
Brother, behind these actions there can be some kind of traumatic experience as well.
If you know that you suffered or witnessed some form of abuse that probably led you to these desires and behavior, you need to work on this with a therapist.
Unfortunately, sexual and other forms of abuse, emotional trauma, loss, can be connected to addictions and other mental health problems. Even parental absence or neglect:
“Dad-deprived boys are hurting,” explains Warren Farrell in this article.
“They are more likely to be addicted to drugs, video games, opioids and online porn, more likely to be depressed, withdrawn and to commit suicide, they are even more likely to have their life expectancy shortened.”
You can also work on how to change this habit. You can find useful tips on our site here, here, and here. But if we are talking about addiction and a deeply rooted issue, these tips might not be effective.
If you are not able to give it up despite your attempts and you think you suffer from addiction, you need to work on your healing in order to fully recover and be able to avoid future conflicts and issues in your relationships and with your mental health.
I recommend counseling. If you have limited resources, you can find some organizations that offer services for the vulnerable. Check out this list, or this one, for example.
Furthermore, this lecture by Sr. Abeda Ahmad on the topic may be useful to you.
2. She doesn’t know what I spoke about, how many times, and other details.
I think the important thing is that she forgave you and she willingly decided not to know any details about your past.
You have to focus on this. You can still have a sincere, honest relationship as long as you remember to be sincere and honest in your present and future with her.
Try to close the past.
But remember, you may only be able to close it if you are able to arrange all aspects of it, including your addiction and other underlying issues.
All these things are connected, and you need to clean them up in order to be able to make a new start.
3. You feel like a very bad person in front of her.
That is understandable and is a normal reaction. A normal reaction of guilt when you cause harm, especially to someone you love.
You can try to eradicate your feelings if you engage in good deeds, especially towards her.
Try to do things that please Allah and also this girl. Insha Allah, whatever good deed you do for her and for the sake of Allah, it will help you to feel better towards her with time, in sha Allah.
Unfortunately, you cannot change what has occurred in the past, but you can make significant changes to your future in the present.
To Conclude
So, focus on the present and on doing good deeds, practical ones and in worship as well.
Try to find out the root causes and the underlying issues related to sexuality and addiction, and work on overcoming them and healing.
In your day-to-day dealings, turn completely away from harmful content and people. There is no middle path in this case; you need to cut off 100%. If this means physical distance from your current environment, consider it also.
Make your relationship halal by getting married. If you cannot do that, check out your intentions and distance yourself from her.
Engage yourself in new activities instead, in positive actions, and try to clean your heart by taking care of your physical, mental, and spiritual health.
May Allah help you with it.
Read more from Orsolya Ilham O.:
- Polygamy: How to Accept Her Without Jealousy?
- He Ended Our Relationship; I Can’t Move On
- Tainted by the Haram Effects of a Public School
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