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Intrusive Thoughts: Tired of Life, Afraid of Death

17 January, 2023
Q Aoa. This happened 3 months ago. Suddenly I feel something very evil in my heart. I was doubtful about Islam nauzubillah. But Allah guided me through Quran. Then I was doubting the aqeedas etc. But Allah guided me again. I was reading quran continusly and there was hellfire for the disbelievers and I got so scared. Now I can’t even do anything normally. I’m always thinking. I can’t pray namaz like I used to. I mean that i am scared but in a very unusual way. I sleep is almost non existent and I can’t go to any psychologist.

I want to help my ma around the house. I feel like I should live. But I feel dead. I keep on wishing to die. I feel useless. Lethargic. I know Allah is very generous and merciful but my thoughts kept repeating in a vicious cycle. Now I feel numb towards life but still scared of my life and death.

I want to have a good opinion of Allah tabaraktala. But life means trials and I don’t feel the energy for even helping around the kitchen or even taking bath seems so hard. Alhamdulilah due to Allah’s blessing, my ma keeps an eye that I must continue praying. Allah tala is Continuously helping me.

I want to get up and help around the house. Feel genuinely happy. Love Allah and Nabi SAW.

Everyday i saw tomorrow. Ewen reading Quran makes my heartbeat high because I’m afraid that my mind goes back into spirals about Allah.

I was a very firm believer who changed herself as Allah willed. But now I’m sooooo sad that I cannot think like that anymore. I’m afraid I can’t do anything properly. I’ve become useless. It’s like my mind is telling me that you are going to jahanum, there is no use of anything.

I’m fasting a lot. I feel my heart is physical getting weaker as well.

I’ve become very negative. I think that it be good if I die. But still I’m afraid of death and hellfire. I look at people around me having so much hope and love for Allah and I long for that and feel so hopeless. I make lots of duas as well. But then I get tired.

I sometimes feel good about muslims but I don’t feel that connection with Muslims even normal humans. When I learn about tragedies, I think about myself.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

  • Alhamdulillah, your mother is at your side, taking care of you and encouraging you to pray. This is truly a blessing in your life.
  • See your doctor and/or a counselor to get their assessment on possible depression and OCD.
  • Sign up for some kind of Islamic studies course, whether online or in person to increase your knowledge and to connect with other sisters.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

I understand that you are struggling with your faith a lot at the moment and that it is causing you great distress.

I do, however, want to begin by drawing out the positives that I also picked up from this.

I understand that you are feeling down right now, but, Alhamdulillah, I can also see that, despite this, you are able to relate some positive things too.

I hope that, in sha Allah, this attitude will help provide you with the steps that you need to take towards a more content life than you are experiencing now.

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The 2 key things I’m picking upon here that you should take advantage of.

Looking for Solution is a Good Sign

Firstly, you are clearly able to recognize that there is a problem going on here, you are able to express it very well, and you are looking for help with it rather than brushing it under the rug and running away like there is no problem.

This will absolutely instill hope in you that things can and will get better because you recognize the problem and are willing to do something about it.

The Support of Your Mother

Secondly, and again, very importantly, you have the support of your mother. It is so important to have the support of others during times of crisis.

Not everyone has this luxury, but Alhamdulillah, your mother is at your side, taking care of you and encouraging you to pray. This is truly a blessing in your life.

People who do not have this support can easily go astray, but at least you have someone by your side to give you that encouragement.

Most amazingly, it is your mother, and you live with her, so you don’t even need to make the effort to reach out as she is always there by your side. Alhamdulillah.

I just wanted to begin by highlighting these positives in your life that can become so easy to overlook when faced with such distress.

Inshallah, these things will serve as stepping stones to help you overcome your difficulties.

Seek Counseling

Regarding what you have presented, it does seem like you are either experiencing depression or waswasa, or perhaps even both.

I would suggest seeing your doctor and/or a counselor to get their assessment on this and whether it is depression or not, but I do also understand that perhaps this is not an option for you.

In sha Allah at some point perhaps you will find the means to make this move as a feel this is something that you need to provide you with ongoing professional support that is appropriate to your needs.

However, in the meantime, I hope I can give you a couple of pointers to lessen the burden for you for now.

Keep Doing Your Worship

I feel like perhaps if you can address your intrusive thoughts that do seem to be coming from Shaytan, this will hopefully impact your motivation to do things around the house as you desire to.

I understand that you are trying in that you are praying, reading the Quran, and fasting, ma sha Allah. This definitely the right thing to be doing, but it seems that unfortunately your intrusive thoughts occur whilst you are doing these things.

Firstly, I would suggest keeping at it. Do not let Shaytan win! Don’t let the intrusive thoughts stop you from doing these blessed acts of worship.

It’s not an easy thing to do, but the rewards are so great that it’s well worth fighting the thoughts and continuing regardless of the struggle.

After all, did Allah not promise us that He would test us? It seems that this is your test to prove to Allah that He means more to you and that you will never give up and will press on for His sake.

Ma sha Allah, despite the struggle, you did not give up on your obligations and your faith, and you have your mother to provide the additional support too.

Perhaps the next step is to gradually add more acts of worship as and when you are ready, which will, in sha Allah, strengthen those that you are doing as well as add something fresh to your routine.

Revive some sunnahs in your life, pray voluntary prayers, don’t forget your morning and evening adhkar, and say all the duas prescribed for all the little actions you do throughout the day, such as entering and leaving the bathroom and the house, before and after you eat, etc.

Seek an Islamic Course to Learn and Connect

Something else that would indeed be particularly beneficial to you would be to sign up for some kind of Islamic studies course, whether online or in person, depending on what’s available to you.

Not only is this another means of getting closer to Allah through increasing your knowledge, but it’s something new and exciting that could help with your depression, if indeed that’s what you have.

Not only that, but it also provides a means to connect with other sisters who will also be able to provide additional motivation as you work together towards the same target.

You’d probably make new friends as well, which, again, is crucial to maintaining your psychological wellbeing and will be important in overcoming your current feelings.

May Allah make things easier for you and carve a path out of your difficulties. May He reward your every struggle for His pleasure.

May Allah guide you to a journey of success and happiness in this life and the next.

More from Hannah Morris:

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DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)