I am going to turn 21 this year, and my entire life my relationship with Allah (swt) was as strong as it is today. I feel I have improved; I made a lot of dua for hidayah, I couldn’t even read the Quran, I used to miss a lot of salahs, my life was miserable I was involved in many kinds of sin and I used to struggle with anxiety and depression.
The problem is that, during this Ramadan, I planned and aimed at completing the Quran for the first time in my entire life by myself, but I couldn’t complete it, I have read the Quran this Ramadan more than I have ever, I tried not to miss any of my salahs, and fasts, alhumdolillah that went well, but I was sick so it tumbled down there a bit.
The biggest issue is that I share a lot of Islamic things with my friends and on social media, I know in my heart that I am not doing that to show people that I am better, or I am so religious, I do it because when I am reading the Quran or I come across some Hadith or dua or any information that Muslims should know or non-Muslims should know and that it would benefit them. But there’s a feeling in my heart which makes me want to give it up (I won’t though in sha Allah). That makes me feel as if everything that I do or want to do in the cause of Islam and for the sake of Allah (swt) is show off, is insincere, is fake, I feel as if whatever I do is for the world and not for Allah (swt), which makes me feel so upset and so down that I start to feel chest pains and I get irritable. I also have extreme anger issues and it makes me dislike myself more.
I don’t understand why I am like this or why I keep feeling this way, how I can cure it.
I try my best to offer salah, to give charity, to read the Quran, to be a better person, I wear abaya and hijab, I try my best to practice modesty and somehow it feels as if it’s not genuine.
Writing this is causing me a lot of pain.
I have some bad habits still and it seems difficult to get rid of them.
I don’t want to be ungrateful so I must say that alhmadulillah, Allah (swt) has given me the ability to become better than what I used to be, I am beyond grateful.
Is this impostor syndrome? Or am I really a munafiq or am I really someone who is faking and is I genuine.
I desperately want to get closer to Allah (swt), I want to feel at peace, but for some reason I am not.
Looking forward to your reply, it will be a huge help. In sha Allah. Jazak allah khair.
Answer
If you were faking your faith, you probably would not have written to us. It seems that your concern is real and that you are striving to be a better Muslim.
If you got sick last Ramadan and things did not go as you planned, it does not mean that you did not try hard enough or that your faith is not real.
The whole point is that you care about your worship and about Allah and have tried your best to fulfill your obligations.
That is something you can truly be proud of and happy with.
Trust in Allah, and know that He is the Most Merciful.
What else can you do? Check out the answer.
Read more from Sr. Aisha:
- Jinn Possession: Psychology, Faith & Mental Health
- Why Do Dark Thoughts Come to Me While Praying?
- I’m Ashamed of My Mental Disorders
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