Alhamdulillah Allah had blessed me with lots and lots of blessings: I got loving parents, nice home, good financial situation and so on.
I did shameless things and I wanted people to think about me as something cool by doing evil things. On the other hand, I loved my religion so much and I was also known in my community as someone who is at the mosque regularly.
I hated to leave prayer and hated people missing their prayer. I know how to recite Quran and interpret the meaning somehow. Everything was fine.
Also, I got a serious issue of stammer (difficulties in speaking) and it affected me to the point that I'm embarrassed to mix with people. It limited me in every direction.
We can't find any medication for cure and doctors suggested me to speak slowly. I stopped my college to find a job and got chickened out mercilessly from interviews.
The constant criticism and discouragement drove me to a conclusion that I'm incapable and worthless. Slowly my family started to hurt my feelings badly.
Eventually, I stopped praying and never concentrated on anything whatsoever. I feel like I'm powdered to dust when I see successful guys.
I don't mix up with people to express myself. I don't have any status.
I ask you by Allah to suggest me a way out. Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
I am wondering, did you ever discuss your feelings of wanting to appear “cool” with your parents?
I kindly ask that you repent to Allah (swt) for your wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, and then put this part of your life behind you.
The stuttering is a condition which, at this time, you cannot help and Allah (swt) knows this. Who cares what others think? What matters is what Allah (swt) “thinks”.
I would kindly suggest that you review your blessings your Lord has bestowed upon you, brother, as well as your shortcomings (we all have them) and decide which is going to drive your life: your blessings or your shortcomings?
Get involved in some charity work in your local Islamic community.
Linking up with others who stutter, you will find support, tips, and coping skills which will increase your self-esteem.
Seek counseling and professional help to overcome your social anxiety.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum,
Thank you for writing to us with your most important issues.
First of all, you stated you are blessed as you come from a loving family. You have a nice home and are financially secure. These are, indeed, blessings.
Impression
A loving family most often provides support, guidance as well as sound advice when issues arise. From what you said, brother, it appears that while trying to impress other people, you engaged in some haram acts. You stated “evil”.
I am wondering, did you ever discuss your feelings of wanting to appear “cool” with your parents? Did you ask them for their advice and suggestions about trying to fit in?
Often times we neglect to go to our parents with our issues for several reasons, but in your case, your parents sound supportive of you, brother, at least in the beginning of all of this.
Often times, dear brother, we may fall off the path trying to impress others. For young people, searching for their place in this world and seeking their identity in their late teens – early 20’s can often be problematic.
While I do not know what “shameful things” you did try to impress people by thinking you were “cool”, it is obvious now that you have realized the errors of your ways and you feel really bad.
Realization
As you know, Allah (swt) is most merciful and loves to forgive. In sha’ Allah, brother, I kindly ask that you repent to Allah (swt) for your wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, and then put this part of your life behind you.
Once we ask Allah (swt) for forgiveness, we need to let it go. If we hang on to it, it is almost like saying we don’t trust in Allah (swt) to forgive us.
While it is natural for those like you who love and fear Allah (swt) to worry and think about our past sins, we really need to try hard to increase our faith in order to go on with our lives after we have repented.
As we all fall into sin, our mercy lies within Allah’s (swt) forgiveness and our opportunity to go to The Highest seeking forgiveness and mercy.
We learn from our mistakes (in sha’ Allah) and move on, knowing that in sha’ Allah we will not repeat them as they harm our soul and our relationship with Allah (swt). A hadith states that
“If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.”
Turning back to Allah
As we can see, Allah (swt) knows we will sin and Allah (swt) will make a way for us out of our distress. You stated you left your prayers although I am not sure why. The key, brother, is returning to your prayers no matter how hard it may be.
As you know, prayer is your connection to Allah (swt). When you pray, whether it is in the community at the masjid or at home, you should know that any defect based on your stuttering is better than not performing your prayers.
The stuttering is a condition which, at this time, you cannot help and Allah (swt) knows this. Who cares what others think? What matters is what Allah (swt) “thinks”; what matters is what you in your heart are doing which is seeking to please Allah (swt).
I have seen brothers with no legs making prayers in the masjid and sisters with speech impediments as well offering their prayers. Therefore, I would kindly suggest that you review your blessings your Lord has bestowed upon you, brother, as well as your shortcomings (we all have them) and decide which is going to drive your life: your blessings or your shortcomings?
Be involved
I would also kindly suggest that you get involved in some charity work in your local Islamic community, perhaps working with refugees or those less fortunate than you. Often times that experience can really put our problems into a more realistic perspective.
Check out this counseling video:
In the meantime, dear brother, as far as your stuttering, please do consult The Stuttering Foundation online as they have some really beneficial groups which can provide good tips if you are really willing to put in the effort to overcome it. A person who also used to suffer from stuttering wrote an article about how he stopped. Please do review it.
By linking up with others who stutter you will find support, tips, and coping skills which will increase your self-esteem, help you to stop stuttering and to realize you are not alone with your stuttering issues.
There are millions of people who stutter, yet it should not destroy your social life, your ability to speak in public or affect your ability to finish college or get a job.
Parents
It seems that your parents are at the point wherein they do not know what to do to help you and it is frustrating them. While they definitely should not take it out on you, they are probably upset that they cannot help and feel frustrated.
In sha’ Allah, when they see you actively seeking to resolve your social issues in a positive manner, they will feel relieved and your interactions with them will improve, in sha’ Allah.
It seems brother that the combination of guilt over your “evil” past behaviors, leaving prayers as well as being ridiculed for stammering has harmed your self-esteem to the point where you may now have social anxiety.
Social anxiety
I would kindly suggest that you see a counselor and get assessed for social anxiety. Counseling can help you overcome your feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem as well as provide a platform for overcoming social anxiety.
Often times stuttering will increase when social anxiety is present. The more anxious the person feels the more prone they are to stuttering, even those without a stuttering disorder! Therefore, please do seek counseling for these issues, brother. Insha’Allah the sooner you do, the sooner some of your issues can be resolved.
Conclusion
I am confident that you can overcome your issues, brother. You are an intelligent, motivated young man who fears Allah (swt) and seeks to please Him. You just need some guidance and support.
Please do seek forgiveness from Allah (swt), continue to recite Qur’an, make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) for ease, work on your stuttering issue diligently, and seek out counseling in your area for possible social anxiety and low self-esteem.
Salam,
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