However, after I started reading some fatwas and watching some fatwa videos about marriage I have been greatly impacted by them because I really do not understand why and it feels as though a woman is a man’s object and her only right to eat, clothe and have a roof on top of her head. It now seems like a King-slave relationship. Here are the things that made me feel this way:
1) If a husband prevents wife from visiting her parents she must obey. They even quote that if a wife’s mother is sick and he prevents her she must obey him. How is that Islamic? Isn’t preventing a wife to visit parents especially when they are sick great abuse? Has she automatically become a slave once she accepted the marriage? I always thought that not visiting parents is haram. Why would a woman be required to obey a husband in this? Not visiting them is haram, will emotionally harm the wife and this is something beyond what any sensible human can cope with.
Yes I know that a wife needs to tell the husband before leaving the house and before I developed these doubts I have heard that the only reason she has to tell him is for safety reasons so that if the place is dangerous he can stop her so that she is not harmed but if the place is not dangerous he cannot stop her from going out just to harm her. Now visiting parents is not dangerous at all and is a duty. Preventing her from visiting them is not protection is humiliation. Although, if he prevented her from visiting her friend for example for no reason she can handle this but not when it comes to parents.
2) Husbands are allowed to stop wife from using social media even if she is using it responsibly. If a woman is doing all her duties as a wife and a mother what is she meant to do when she is bored? Find a wall and hit her head with? Or talk to herself like a psycho? I even saw somewhere, even if the wife is using social media responsibly but the husband does not want her to use it for any reason she must obey him and not use it behind his back.
If he prevents her while she is being good on it why can’t she use it behind his back ? Is she just meant to accept all forms of oppression? Okay, first they said a woman cannot go see her parents, if he prevents her, now they even want to ban her from social media when the husband forbids while she is not doing anything bad on it and not posting pics of herself. I really do not understand why they give the husband that much importance, they make him seem as though he is KING OF ALL KINGS and the wife as a slave of no worth.
3) Sexual desires. Whenever a man complains about his wife they automatically throw tons of hadiths and threads at the wife without even asking the husband to understand why she refused. But whenever a woman is complaining they tell her to find out if she has a shortcoming or what is making the husband not want her. Can you believe I saw a fatwa called, “Husband is not sinful for refusing sexual intercourse unlike wife”. Although, in the fatwa they say that they think that he should give it to her, but at the end of it they talk about him not being sinful unlike the wife purely because men are less patient that women in this.
I once saw a video saying that the reason there is no hadith specifically talking about husbands being sinful is because it would embarrass women and it is less likely for men to refuse, but that video also said that this does not mean that men are not sinful for refusing. However, there is only one source claiming this and that he is sinful just like the wife, all the rest make it seem like it is no big deal for a husband to refuse and he is not sinful for not having it with her whenever she has a desire.
Okay, yes I do agree that men have more desire, but they should keep in mind that women are shy to ask and because of this they will only ever ask if they have a very strong urge. They always back their reasoning by saying men are less patient and no one can force their desire at will, yet a woman is obliged to comply even when she has no desire.
So they are only forcing one party to force their desire and the other no. If we rely on their reasoning that a man is not sinful and does not have to do it if he does not feel like it, then what should a woman do when she has a desire???? In this case why bother and marry when a man is going to control every aspect of her life! And think that he is not sinful for not fulfilling her desire.
Answer
In this counseling session:
- The fatwas you have looked at here are focused solely on the man’s rights. I would also encourage you to look into the rights of women too.
- It may seem like this situation is a terrible one, but Alhamdulilah, it is also something to be thankful for in that it has encouraged you to seek knowledge and advice further.
- You are advised to get further information from a learned scholar.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
Based on what you have presented I can fully understand why you would be feeling the way you are towards marriage in Islam. Islam is a beautiful religion that encompassed all aspects of life, including marriage.
Islam does not promote oppression of the woman, in fact, it promotes quite the opposite and actually empowers the woman.
This might seem incredibly difficult to believe based on the things you have mentioned here and I think anyone who read these things would also fail to see Islam in a positive light. There are few things you can do from here to seek reassurance on this matter and in sha Allah be able to see the beauty in Islam once more.
Sources
Firstly, I would make sure to check the source from which you are getting this information and make sure it is reputable. Some of them sound a bit off and actually quite against what Islam actually says.
In each case, certainly it is expected that a woman does obey her husband, but there are also conditions around this too. He cannot just be telling her to do things without having any realistic rationale behind his instructions.
Example
For example, regarding spending time on social media. Perhaps if she had been neglecting things that she should be taking care of, such as her children, or if she was spending excessive time on it, interacting with bad people.. Etc.. Then he could advise her to reduce her time or in the worst case maybe tell her to stop.
However, if there is no harm coming of her using social media then should be no good reason to forbid her from using it.
Check out this counseling video:
I wonder if these fatwas were perhaps given in very context specific situations. For example, the woman being forbidden from social media was perhaps using it in a detrimental way.
Likewise in the last example, a woman can refuse intimacy with her husband without consequence if she has a legitimate reason. This is something to look into also.
Misunderstanding
It may be that they only apply in a particular situation. If this is the case then one should be cautious of applying them to situations that are not the same. It can lead to a lot of misunderstanding and false information being spread against the well being of others.
Similarly, with the first scenario, forbidding a woman from seeing her parents. Islamically, we are actually encouraged to maintain family ties, especially towards our parents who raised us. To cut them out and show them no respect is against Islam.
Perhaps in situations where the parents are encouraging you to do something forbidden in Islam then one is not obliged to obey at all. Otherwise, we owe them the utmost of respect and there is much evidence to support this in the Qur’an and sunnah.
As a result, I would encourage you to look at primary sources, that is, the Quran and sunnah, to get the best and most authentic evidence on these things.
Scholarly advice
Additionally, I would encourage you to seek scholarly advice regarding these matters. And perhaps ask for an explanation to the fatwas that you are concerned about. It’s always best to get individual advice on your own personal experiences. Rather than relying on advice that was aimed at someone else in a different situation.
Since you are not yet married, now would be a great time to get this kind of information and advice. So that you can be very clear on what is expected of you as a wife. And what the expectations of your husband would be. Also what marriage should encompass from the outset.
Spouse rights
The fatwas you have looked at here are focused solely on the man’s rights. I would also encourage you to look into the rights of women too. The woman has many rights in marriage, and even outside of marriage, that protect and empower her. This would help to add a bit more balance towards your understanding. Of the roles of the husband and wife in marriage.
Even though having read these fatwas has put a sour taste in your mouth for what Islam has to offer. There is some benefit in this. Given that they seem like the harshest of fatwas that would put many off Islam. The fact that they are like these has pushed you to a place where you have felt the need to reach out for advice.
Conclusion
As well as reassuring you about the possible reasons why they may seem this way (due to being inauthentic, or for a specific context and do not cover the full spectrum of issues with plenty of others factors that actually are in the woman’s favour), you are advised to get further information from a learned scholar Alhamdulilah, this situation has caused you to seek knowledge.
Perhaps if you had read something that you liked, or didn’t find any problems with, you would have had little motivation and passion to find answers. It may seem like this situation is a terrible one, but Alhamdulilah, it is also something to be thankful for in that it has encouraged you to seek knowledge and advice further.
May Allah guide you in your search for the truth and may He grant you a righteous husband who will treat you well, in accordance with Islamic values and will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.
Salam,
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