We Want to Get Married; How to Approach My Parents?

01 September, 2018
Q Assalam alaikum. I have been speaking to a guy who is my friend for some time. I think I fell for him. I came to know that he was also in love with me and wanted to marry me. We both prayed the istikharah and felt good about the marriage. He has told his parents about me and they are ok with it. But I'm scared and worried to tell my parents about him because they wouldn't expect something like this from me. They are sort of traditional and strict about this marriage issue. Could you please tell me how to approach them and what to do if they say no? The day we confessed that we love each other we stopped talking and speak only when it's important, for example, when he told his parents about me. So what can we do now?

Answer

Dear sister,

Adolescence and young adulthood is a period marked with attraction towards the opposite sex. Therefore, being in touch with this guy has made you attracted to this guy. In this case, it is certainly better to go for a legal, halal relationship in the form of marriage as it is said in the Quran that

“And it is He who has created from water a human being and made him [a relative by] lineage and marriage. And ever is your Lord competent [concerning creation].” (25:54)

However, it can be quite difficult for girls to express their feelings and opt for the person they want to marry merely because of the social norms and mindsets that run in Asia. Before you approach your parents, you need to be clear about what you exactly want. The green signal from the guy’s parents is already a thumbs up. Yet, the most important part is at your end. Ask yourself: how well do you know this guy? Be clear whether it is real love or simply attraction. Think about spending your remaining life with this person. Is he the one you have fantasized about? Forget about looks. His traits and qualities matter in the long run. Is that what you aspire? Once you are sure about it, go for it. Remember, telling your parents about the guy you want to marry will eventually make you responsible for the future.

With all the courage and a clear aim in mind, talk to your parents. You can start by making them aware that you are ready to start a family. It will be difficult, but you have to do it. Take it slow by selecting the parent you are more comfortable to talk to and the one who you feel will understand and value your view point. Remember, no parent wants bad for his/her child. So, start conversations emphasizing how you want to settle. Maybe you can talk about how your age mates are getting engaged or how people have started asking you about your future plans. At the same time, you can ask your parents about their opinion on marriage and what they have in mind for you.

With time, show them that it is the right time for marriage by becoming more responsible at home. For instance, start participating in the kitchen as well as in taking big decisions. Be bold and present your opinion relating to daily life. Discuss events with your parents, letting them know how your friends have chosen their partners and how happy they are.

Once you have communicated this message, bring the topic of this guy. Maybe you can initially introduce him as your friend if your parents allow and are okay with you hanging out with males. If not, then let them know that you are interested in marrying a guy you know for a while. Instead of being stubborn about your demand, allow them the space to ingest this fact and also tell them that you will go with their decision. Convince them to meet him once. Maybe you can initially make your parents aware of his good qualities by finding out some common interests or activities between his parents and yours. In this way, they won’t only get a chance to know the guy but also his parents.

Once you set up a meeting, see how it goes. Assure them that their decision will be valued and honored while letting them know that you feel you will be happy with him. Remember, parents always want the best for their kids and they will be happy in your happiness. If they refuse, then think over it. Listen to them. Maybe they have a point. For instance, they might not be satisfied with his job. Think about it. Maybe your feelings for him makes you oblivious to areas where he lacks, but that are important in practical life.

Always try reaching a solution. For instance, convince your parents that he will switch to a better job, eventually making the guy realize the need for an established career. It might also be possible that your parents might not be convinced by his attributes. What might be attractive for you might be a big cross as a spouse. So, if you will talk to your parents, you will not only communicate your viewpoint but understand theirs as well.

Have faith in God (swt). If you don’t get to marry this guy because of your parent’s hesitance, try convincing them. If that does not work, then let it be and know that God (swt) wants the best for you. So if at the end, for any reason, you are not able to get married, be sure this is the best for you, even if you cannot see it right now, but Allah (swt) is the All-Knowing.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

My Parents Disapprove of Marriage, What to Do?

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/want-to-get-married/parents-dont-approve-marriage-secretly/

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/want-to-get-married/parents-dont-let-marry-convince/