I have never spoken to him my entire life except just saying yes or no.
Now they want to marry me off. I do not trust their judgment on this matter.
My father never listens to anyone and just orders while my mother never understands my insecurities and just wants to hear a YES from me.
I do not know who to ask for help. I do not want to end up in a cold-blooded, violent marriage.
I know I am getting older every year, but I have promised myself if nothing good happens I will not let bad harm me at least.
I feel so alone without any guidance as I have no close relative or elder to talk to about this. They think I am just overly insecure.
I am tired of living in fear of my father's wrath, helplessness and presenting myself to unknown people my parents invite as suiters. I do not want to know anything about them to feel secure.
I pray and cry all the time to Allah but I am dying inside every day and do not know what to do. They made me hate marriage. I have lost my faith in happiness and getting married.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Since your parents have been in an unhappy marriage, you cannot assume that your marriage will be unhappy or violent as well.
In fact, it can be quite the opposite! It may lend you the opportunity of escaping from a house where you face misery.
While there are sacrifices to be made in marriage, it does not mean that one cannot be happy in marriage.
A happy marriage involves both spouses making an effort to keep each other happy, understanding each other’s priorities and values.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum Sister,
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. You have mentioned that your parents have been in an unhappy marriage. This makes you fear matrimony. Further, your parents do not understand your concerns and insecurities.
Also, you feel that you do not trust their judgment about finding a suitable spouse for you. You have also mentioned that you hate the thought of marriage and have lost faith in being happy and getting married.
Your concerns
Sister, I absolutely understand your concerns. You have witnessed your parents being unhappy in their union. However, have you also considered why they did not end the relationship?
It was probably for the sake of maintaining a family; helping you and your siblings grow up together under one roof so that you do not have a hard time dealing with the world as a broken family.
I can imagine the emotional scars and wounds you must have from your parents not being happy together. It is a torture to see people unhappy who mean the world to you.
Yet, no matter what, your father looked after you, gave you shelter, food, clothes and hopefully a good education. These are all blessing which you should be grateful for – to your parents as well as to Allah.
Since your parents have been in an unhappy marriage, you cannot assume that your marriage will be unhappy or violent as well. In fact, it can be quite the opposite! It may lend you the opportunity of escaping from a house where you face misery.
Happy marriage
While there are sacrifices to be made in marriage, it does not mean that one cannot be happy in marriage. A happy marriage involves both spouses making an effort to keep each other happy, understanding each other’s priorities and values.
The reason, such a huge emphasis is laid on marriage in Islam is, that by nature humans are attracted to the opposite sex, and marriage helps one fulfill the desires within the given limits and helps us maintain chastity.
According to Hadith narrated by Anas ibn Malik:
“Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said, “When a man marries he has fulfilled half of the deen; so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.” (Tirmidhi, Hadith 3096)
Allah has created us all in pairs. It is He who puts love and mercy in our hearts. In the Quran, Allah says:
“… He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts)…” (30:21)
Check out this counseling video:
Share Your Concerns with Your Mother
Try being more communicative with your mother on the topic of marriage. I am sure she can help you quell your concerns.
There is no one in the world who cares more about their children’s well-being other than the parents, especially the mother. So, speak out your fears to her. She will definitely be able to help you.
If she tries to convince you to marry, do not take her negatively since she is just doing her duty. It is the right of parents to get their children married when they are of age and have suitable suitors.
You Have the Right to Approve Of Who You Want To Marry
With regard to your concern about not being convinced about whether your parents will select a suitable candidate for your marriage, you can definitely assert your right that you want to approve of the guy you will marry.
A couple of meetings with the person (in the presence of a mahram) can help you ascertain the qualities a person has.
While you can never have a complete picture of another person until you marry, it is important to make sure the person you will marry is likable and shares at least some of your values.
Most importantly, the person you choose to marry should be pious and have a sound knowledge of Islam.
A marriage for the sake of Allah will help you increase your faith and would be beneficial in this world as well as the Hereafter, In sha ‘Allah.
Believe in Predestination
We all have a fear of the unknown. It is absolutely natural. In a marriage, everything is uncertain as with other things in life. Therefore, we need to have a firm belief in qadr or predestination – everything that comes to us is from Allah.
This world is a place of tests and trials, and each of us is tested in different ways. While some are tested through relationships, others are tested financially, yet others are tested for health. So, have a firm belief in qadr and make du’aa’ to Allah to remove all hardships from your life.
Perform Istikhara
Whenever you are in doubt or fearful, perform the Istikhara prayer, the guidance prayer. In sha’ Allah, Allah will guide you to the right path and help you make a decision that is right for you as well as your family.
Understand That You Do Not Need to Stay In an Unhappy Marriage
Lastly, if, God Forbid, your marriage turns out to be unhappy or violent like your parents’, please understand, sister, that you do not need to remain in a torturous relationship. Islam gives the right to women to make a choice of leaving an abusive relationship or a relationship where your rights are not met.
Ma sha’ Allah, you are a strong girl who has lots of patience from witnessing an unhappy marriage of your parents. However, if you do not find joy in a marriage, Islam gives you the right to get out of the marriage.
In the Quran Allah says:
“And do not retain them (i.e. women) in wedlock against their will in order to hurt them. He who does such a thing indeed sins against himself. And do not take the signs of God lightly…” [2:231]
And in another place Allah says:
” If a woman fears ill-treatment (mushuz) or indifference (i’radh) from her husband, it is not wrong if (at her initiative) the two set things peacefully to right between themselves; for, peace is best, and selfishness is ever present in human souls. But if you do good and are conscious of Him, behold, God is aware of all that you do… If the two break up, God provides everyone out of His abundance, for God is resourceful, wise.” [4:128-130]
May Allah help you and guide you to make the correct decision. May Allah help you choose a spouse who would be beneficial for you not only in this world but also in the Hereafter.
Amen.
salam,
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