Answer
In this counseling answer:
Honestly examine your feelings when it comes to yourself and how to view other people. How do you feel about yourself as a woman? As a Muslim? What are your life goals? What do you wish to improve about your character? How do you think others perceive you? Taking your time and getting to know yourself better is an important step that you have to take now before getting married.
Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. It appears from your question that you feel very strongly about the predicament you are in. You seem to be a very thoughtful and caring person who would never want to hurt another person’s feelings, even if it goes against your own feelings. I ask Allah (swt) to help you gain more confidence and strength within yourself to make wise decisions.
To summarize your situation, you are a college student who befriended a fellow male student in your class. Over time, the both of you became friends and started to meet each other outside of class. You say that he has feelings for you and wants to eventually marry you, but you don’t feel the same way about him, even though, he is “such a good person who loves me.” You also feel very guilty about meeting him outside of class like in the mall or in the cinema and feel that you have committed sin in doing so. Now, you are tormented and feel terrible about potentially breaking this young man’s heart by refusing his marriage proposal. You are even contemplating accepting his proposal in order to avoid upsetting him.
As I mentioned earlier, you appear to be a kind-hearted person who wants to do good with everyone. That is wonderful; however, there should be a balance between being nice no matter what the situation is and being assertive. Being assertive means that you are someone who confidently states his/her rights and feelings without dismissing the rights and feelings of others. You seek a win-win situation without forgetting about yourself. In your situation, instead of lying to this brother and telling him that you are engaged, you should answer him respectfully saying that you believe he is a good person, but you do not feel that the both of you would be compatible for marriage, then, kindly decline his proposal.
You would be doing yourself and this young man a great injustice if you accepted his proposal for marriage out of pity for him or to avoid hurting his feelings. Marriage is a lifetime partnership that will test a person’s character in many ways. It has to have a strong foundation in order to take all the obstacles that will be faced. If either party is not ready for marriage or is marrying for the wrong reasons than it sets up the whole relationship for potential failure. Neither you nor this young man deserves that.
I believe that you make a wise statement when you say that you want to wait a bit more before getting married. Reading between the lines as a mental health professional, I have to mention that in many instances a person, who feels the need to always please others at the expense of their own feelings, may have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. These people don’t feel that they are worthy enough for other people to hear and value their feelings and opinions.
As I read your question, it appears that you are very hard on yourself. I noticed this when you mention how guilty you felt about possibly falling into sin regarding your relationship with this young man as well as when you thought of accepting his proposal to marriage, even though you don’t feel that he is a good match for you.
Please, do not misunderstand me, feeling guilt and regret after sinning is normal and important, but we all know that Allah (swt) is All-Forgiving and All-Merciful. If we sincerely ask for His forgiveness, He (swt) will grant it, in sha’ Allah. What we forget to stress on as practicing Muslims is that we have to forgive ourselves after sinning. There is a reason why Allah (swt) makes it easy for us to ask for forgiveness.
Apart from the fact that Allah (swt) has created human beings to, indeed, make mistakes and learn from them He (swt) also wants us to grow up emotionally and intellectually through making mistakes. It takes a lot of courage and compassion to let go of the negative feelings one has when doing something wrong. The ability to overcome these feelings of negativity helps create a more honest, strong, and compassionate person. That is what Allah (swt) wants for us. Allah (swt) wants us to be strong and compassionate; thus, He (swt) wants us to have high self-esteem.
Honestly examine your feelings when it comes to yourself and how to view other people. How do you feel about yourself as a woman? As a Muslim? What are your life goals? What do you wish to improve about your character? How do you think others perceive you? Taking your time and getting to know yourself better is an important step that you have to take now before getting married.
Focus on your studies, your work, or whatever it is that you intend to spend your valuable time doing. Learn to love and appreciate yourself, and work on the kind of a woman, Muslim, etc. that you want to become. Doing so will help you to improve your self-esteem and will help you to perceive yourself and the world in a more positive light.
May Allah (swt) help you,
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