Answer
In this counseling answer:
The counselor advises to respectfully approach your parents one more time with Islamic proofs, state you are marrying (as you have every right to get married), and ask for their blessing. Get married as soon as possible regardless of their responses.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum my dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us again. The previous counselor gave you excellent advice and tips and alhamdulillah you were receptive!
I would kindly suggest sister that your fiance sincerely speaks to his parents one last time as soon as possible if he has not done so already. His sincerity should be based on the Islamic principles for marriage. In sha‘ Allah, he should approach them with kindness, telling them he plans to marry you in the very near future and provide them with Islamic proofs as to his rights to marry as well as Islamic proofs regarding those who prevent a permissible marriage. He should affirm to his parents that he loves them very much, that he plans on finishing school, and he also plans on marrying you soon and he requests their blessing. Possibly set a date with them. If they do not respond favorably, sister, chances are they will not respond favorably if he tries again to convince them. Thus, it is within both of your rights to marry whenever you please.
As far as the wali situation, I would kindly suggest that you gather up the same proofs as well as the support from your mom and brother and sit down with your father and discuss in a loving manner that you love and respect him but you are going to get married and you would like his blessing (backed by Qur’anic proofs of your rights). If he does not respond positively, at least you tried one more time.
As far as I know (although I am not an Islamic scholar), your brother or an imam/shaykh can be your wali. However, if it is your brother, there may be some family drama coming down on him from your father so please do discuss it fully with him to ensure he knows the possibility of this. Please email our Ask the Scholar section to assist you further.
My dear sister, I personally do not recommend a secret marriage. In fact, I am against it. It is considered haram by some scholars. You are of legal age and so is your fiance. There is no Islamic reason why you cannot be married. You both sought the permission and blessings of both your parents to no resolution. You both are adults. Allah (swt) knows your hearts, sister. He knows you both seek a halal marriage to please Him. Therefore, I would kindly advise you to have a regular nikkah, make it public and be happy for the blessings Allah (swt) has given you. In my opinion, Allah (swt) has blessed you both with each other. You care, love and respect each other and seek a halal marriage. You both seek to please Allah (swt) and not fall into sin. Why would you want to taint this gift from Allah (swt) by making it secret? Would keep your marriage a secret please Allah (swt)?
Also, sister, I am thinking in the future, what if your father brought you a man to marry, or if his parents started pressuring him later on to marry someone they have chosen. Then you both will have to lie to cover up the first lie (that you are single when, in fact, you are married). It all just causes way too much confusion and could lead to disastrous results.
My advice dear sister is to respectfully approach your parents one more time with Islamic proofs, state you are marrying and ask for their blessing. Get married as soon as possible regardless of their responses. Make your nikkah public so there is no confusion or lies to be told. Make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) that He softens both your parent’s hearts over time. Begin your new life as married women!
Congratulations sister on your upcoming marriage. We wish you both the best of Allah’s (swt) blessings and happiness.
Salam,
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