I Prefer Marrying in Secret to Committing Zina

17 June, 2021
Q Assalamoalaikum sister Aisha Muhammad-Swan! The full description of my situation can be found at this link where I previously asked a counselor for advice. I am inquiring again as I have a few follow up questions to ask after I was given my initial answer: https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/want-to-get-married/parents-want-him-to-finish-university-before-marriage/ The parents of my fiance don't seem to understand the fitnah of delaying marriage in the western community we live in. We have always wanted to get married with everyone's permission and in the "ideal" manner, but if it is just not possible to do so, can we get our nikkah in secret, as soon as possible, so that we are able to talk to each other legally in Islam? Can I get nikkah without my father knowing? I can convince my older brother to act as the wali in sha Allah, but it would be next to impossible to convince my dad to act as the wali in the nikkah if the groom's own parents haven't given him permission for it. Just as a side note, my mother is completely aware of everything happening and she knows about my whole situation. She supports that we need to have nikkah done as soon as possible. Also, having two witnesses will be no problem in sha Allah; it is just the wali part that I am concerned about. I am so desperate to be married that at this point I am ready to take any stand to have my nikkah done.For me, if I am NOT able to get married right now because my future in-laws think it's too early for their son, I would rather have our nikkah in secret (and not publicized) than wait for a public marriage, while constantly feeling tempted to talk and fall into sin with this man. So, my questions are: After how long of trying to convince his parents do you think we should go forth with a private nikkah?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

The counselor advises to respectfully approach your parents one more time with Islamic proofs, state you are marrying (as you have every right to get married), and ask for their blessing. Get married as soon as possible regardless of their responses.


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum my dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us again. The previous counselor gave you excellent advice and tips and alhamdulillah you were receptive!

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I would kindly suggest sister that your fiance sincerely speaks to his parents one last time as soon as possible if he has not done so already. His sincerity should be based on the Islamic principles for marriage. In sha‘ Allah, he should approach them with kindness, telling them he plans to marry you in the very near future and provide them with Islamic proofs as to his rights to marry as well as Islamic proofs regarding those who prevent a permissible marriage. He should affirm to his parents that he loves them very much, that he plans on finishing school, and he also plans on marrying you soon and he requests their blessing. Possibly set a date with them. If they do not respond favorably, sister, chances are they will not respond favorably if he tries again to convince them. Thus, it is within both of your rights to marry whenever you please.

As far as the wali situation, I would kindly suggest that you gather up the same proofs as well as the support from your mom and brother and sit down with your father and discuss in a loving manner that you love and respect him but you are going to get married and you would like his blessing (backed by Qur’anic proofs of your rights). If he does not respond positively, at least you tried one more time.

As far as I know (although I am not an Islamic scholar), your brother or an imam/shaykh can be your wali. However, if it is your brother, there may be some family drama coming down on him from your father so please do discuss it fully with him to ensure he knows the possibility of this. Please email our Ask the Scholar section to assist you further.

My dear sister, I personally do not recommend a secret marriage. In fact, I am against it. It is considered haram by some scholars. You are of legal age and so is your fiance. There is no Islamic reason why you cannot be married. You both sought the permission and blessings of both your parents to no resolution. You both are adults. Allah (swt) knows your hearts, sister. He knows you both seek a halal marriage to please Him. Therefore, I would kindly advise you to have a regular nikkah, make it public and be happy for the blessings Allah (swt) has given you. In my opinion, Allah (swt) has blessed you both with each other. You care, love and respect each other and seek a halal marriage. You both seek to please Allah (swt) and not fall into sin. Why would you want to taint this gift from Allah (swt) by making it secret? Would keep your marriage a secret please Allah (swt)?

Also, sister, I am thinking in the future, what if your father brought you a man to marry, or if his parents started pressuring him later on to marry someone they have chosen. Then you both will have to lie to cover up the first lie (that you are single when, in fact, you are married). It all just causes way too much confusion and could lead to disastrous results.

My advice dear sister is to respectfully approach your parents one more time with Islamic proofs, state you are marrying and ask for their blessing. Get married as soon as possible regardless of their responses. Make your nikkah public so there is no confusion or lies to be told. Make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) that He softens both your parent’s hearts over time. Begin your new life as married women!

Congratulations sister on your upcoming marriage. We wish you both the best of Allah’s (swt) blessings and happiness.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.