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Need to Get Married, but I’m Still in College

27 January, 2017
Q Salam Aleikom. I am pursuing my B-tech and have problems with being a single. I have done many bad sins due to this. I want to get married, but I don't have a job yet, and I am still studying. Although, I feel marriage is really mandatory for me because I fear of engaging in major sins like fornication, my parents won't allow me to get married now. Besides, who would let his daughter marry someone who still studies and doesn’t have a job? Please tell me what I should do now. I pray and try hard to stay away from those bad deeds, but I can't control my wishes. Please show some lights regarding this. Jazak Allah.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum dear brother,

May Allah (swt) reward you abundantly for seeking to stay on Allah’s (swt) path and striving to keep away from what He forbids. It is a commended step, dear brother, that you talked out what you are suffering from and shared your concerns with us.

Your need to get married is a very natural feeling that Allah (swt) has created inside you, including all dimensions of a connection between husband and wife let it be emotional, mental, physical or sexual. I can understand how much this need for such connection could be very pressuring and calling you to seek what could satisfy it and fill the void that you feel inside you.

According to what you say, you believe you are still not ready for marriage financially and that both your parents and the parents of the girl who you will choose for marriage would not agree on taking the step of marriage. I know in most cases this is the norm; a young man doesn’t have the opportunity to get married, unless he has completed his studies and got a job. However, it also happens that families accept to help the young couple get married until the young husband becomes ready to take the complete responsibility after he graduates and has a job.

I don’t know the situation in your family; however, I encourage you to think about talking with them about it. But before you do that, take your time to think about this option in details and how you will do it.

First of all, think whether you are going to talk to both of your parents or to one of them with whom you are more comfortable, and who you think would be more understanding. Also, choose the right time to open this issue with them when they are ready to listen to you carefully and discuss the issue with open minds and hearts. Talk with them about your feelings, your needs, your thoughts, and your pains. You don’t have to speak about the ‘bad deeds’ which you are not pleased with. Tell them how you feel that marriage is urgent and mandatory for you, and that it might be a good step in your well being and self improvement. Talk about what you need from them in this situation and also listen to what they have to say. In sha’Allah, you will both be able to reach a suitable solution for your situation.

As for a girl’s family, some families would be ready to agree on their daughter’s marriage even if the suitor is still not graduated, in case they feel he has a good potential. Or they may accept that the couple gets engaged and do the wedding later when they are ready to start their marriage life.

However, we will also have to think in case there would be difficulty in getting married at this time; what could be the options to make your situation better and cope with your current situation?

A keyword that you stated in your question is loneliness although I am not sure whether you meant those times when you are alone sitting by yourself or whether that you feel lonely in general. In both cases, you are more prone to being involved in those ‘sins’ and hence feeling bad about yourself.

Therefore, Allah (swt) asked us to be surrounded by good company who can support us in our moments of weakness when we are less likely to resist the temptations. It is not necessarily that they tell you something or stop you from doing something; only their presence around you could give you the emotional and spiritual strength and support.

We, as human beings are in need of each other emotionally. Our system is structured to be fueled by warmth and emotions from other human beings as well as animals and nature. We, in fact, live by emotions. Emotions are what make us really living, having a meaning for our life, and feeling that we are meaningful. This is what makes us strong and able to improve ourselves and refuse what could be harmful to ourselves. When a person feels an emotional void, this emptiness feeling inside oneself, s/he would inevitably search for what could fill it. If not filled by the right meaningful things, it will surely be filled by negative, harmful things.

Therefore, search for rich, warm connections with good people which would satisfy your thirst for emotions to a great extent. We need emotions from different sources and not just from our life partner. Totally depending on one source for our emotional satisfaction would be harmful for you and for this one source. Invest your time in having meaningful relationships with people and try to get involved in some meaningful activities with them that you enjoy and that could consume a lot of your energy, emotions and thoughts instead of being focused on one issue which is the emotional and sexual deprivation and need for marriage. Among those activities could be doing sport (running, cycling, hiking, swimming, football,…etc.), going for trips, doing  community/charity work,  or learning something together.

Of course, you will not be always among people, but being alone sometimes is, in fact, also something good and beneficial. When you are alone, focus your attention on things you like to do; search for your passion in life and work on making it grow. When you feel bored from studying, for example, and feel the temptation to do something bad, try to engage yourself in something like going out for a walk, making wudu’ or taking a shower and then praying or reading Quran. Take some time in deep breathing and meditation as well.

In the end, dear brother, it is important to accept the fact that as human beings, we will always do mistakes. This is a fact that we cannot escape from, so whenever you do a sin or repeat it, and of course repent sincerely, remember that it is the mistake itself which you hate and disagree with and not yourself. You are a good man who does mistakes; this separation is essential in accepting ourselves and giving it the love it needs from ourselves. In other words, accepting myself is not equal to agreeing with everything it does; it only means that I Iove myself, I embrace,  I appreciate, I support myself in its journey toward Allah (swt), and that I refuse what could harm it or take it away from its happiness which is in the path of Allah (swt).

Most importantly, always remember the power of du`aa’ and Allah’s (swt) support in every moment of your life.

We hope we have been able to provide you with some guidance and support. Please feel free to send us back if need further help.

Salams,

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About Layla Al Qaraqsi
Layla Al Qaraqsi has worked with islamonline.net since 2008. She has been the editor of the counseling section till May, 2013; then a counselor and writer since March, 2015. She has also worked in early childhood psychosocial development;and managed a support group in Egypt. Layla has been studying psychology and counseling since 2011 in the Islamic Online University (IOU) of Dr. Bilal Philips, University of North Dakota, and in several specialized psychological institutions in Egypt including Tawasol Center, one of the offline projects of Islamonline.net. Her studies also included group psychotherapy, psychodrama techniques, mindfulness.  You can contact her via: [email protected]