I am 26, unmarried. I have been engaged in sexual intercourse with a Muslim girl for 10 years. I always regretted this condition and now I have totally stopped it and want to marry her as soon as I get a job after my master's degree.
Lately, she talked about a condition that if she is going to marry me, then she won't stay with my mother who is an 80-year-old widow. I don’t ever want to leave my mother for anything.
It makes me cry for hours when I think about all the things she has done for me after my father died. My girlfriend is looking for other pursuits as well but I want to marry her only because my thoughts were always pure for her.
It was because of her family's expensive way of life and marriage I was not being able to marry her and also because back then I was a teenager studying in a convent school who was not so much aware of Islam.
Please advise me on whether I should let her go. Or according to Islam, what is the best path forward? Keep me in your prayers.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
At this age, you should not leave your mother alone.
There should be room for negotiation and communication about this matter between you and the girl you want to marry.
You can find a middle way, so both parties can be happy. If you respect her wishes to move along with her, then she should also respect your responsibility towards your mother.
You do not have to live too far away from your mother. Maybe in the same house but on a different floor?
Sit down with your mother and talk about this.
Assalam Aleikom brother,
Thank you for writing to us, we appreciate it. I will try to assist you the best I can, Inshallah.
Engaging in a sexual act with someone before marriage is completely wrong. I know you have pure intentions for her, but it is still haram to be with the opposite sex before marriage. You are still very young, but adult enough to know what is right and what is not right.
Do what is the right thing to do
Your mother cannot be left alone when she in her 80s. A mother always does so much for her child and gets out of her way to do anything for her child.
Your mother did all by herself, as your father was gone. Now she needs you to be there for her. You should not leave her alone. A mother has a very important status in Islam and Allah has said in the Qur’an:
“We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth” (46:15)
This tell us that a mother goes through a lot of hardship for her child, and it is not fair if she is left alone when she needs help too in her old age. So, how to solve this dilemma?
Rational decision
It is good to hear that you have realized that it was wrong to have an intimate relationship with her and have stopped that completely. It natural to gain feelings for someone when you have been so close to each other for such a long time. 10 years is a very long time.
I can understand that you might have become close to your girlfriend both emotionally and physically, but you have to think rationally. Marriage is a big and rational decision.
You do not have to live too far away from your mother. Maybe in the same house but on a different floor? Or you could move next door to her?
It’s true that girls like to have their own private life and live with their husband alone, but it does not mean that you have to move far away from your mother. You can find a middle way, so both parties can be happy.
If you respect her wishes to move along with her, then she should also respect your responsibility towards your mother. If she is not understanding enough, then I think she is not mature enough to marry you.
Check out this counseling video:
Open Communication
You have been together for so many years, so I believe there must be some sort of understanding between you two. There should be room for negotiation and communication about this matter between you both.
Explain to her your concerns about your mother and that you would like her to be more understanding towards your situation.
Suggest to her that you would like in a different department in the same house or in the neighbor house next to your mother, so you can be there whenever she needs you.
If your girlfriend loves you, she will be understanding enough to come to an agreement that is not too selfish.
Letting go of someone
It may not be easy to let go of someone who you have been seeing for so long. However, if you decide to let go of her, then I would suggest that you do not have contact with her at all after that. That includes text messages, phone calls etc.
Anything that can lead to a haram relationship with her is better to avoid. That’s why cutting all ties with her would be the best decision to make if you decide not to marry her.
Do not let it go too long before you decide whether you want to marry her or not, as it will just be more confusing for you the more time it passes away. Talk to her and make up your mind what you want to do.
Talk to you mother
Sit down with your mother and talk about this. Tell her that you want to marry someone but you might consider living the neighbor house or in the same house on the different floor if that is ok with her.
Do not mention to her that it is a requirement of your girlfriend to live separate, as it can make a misunderstanding and problems between your mother and your wife later.
Mothers are always more understanding towards their sons than their daughter in laws, so it is better to approach her in a way she does not feel that you have been ‘’manipulated’’ by your girlfriend to live apart.
If you think you cannot live in a different house and that your mother, then I would suggest you talk to your girlfriend and ask her if she wants to live in the same house as your mother for a few years to see how it goes, if not you can always move out.
If you both really want to marry each other then there should be a way to find a mutual agreement.
Whatever you decide, I hope you do not let your mother down, as nobody loves you more than she does.
May Allah show you the right path and make it easier for you to come to the right decision.
Ameen.
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.