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Marriage Proposals Full of High Expectations

12 October, 2017
Q As-Salamu Alaykum. I am hoping to get married soon. However, there is a problem that I see coming up in my community. I have been getting marriage proposals, but people have so many ridiculous expectations. Each time I get a proposal, people turn me down because I am not good looking enough, because of my height, hair, a pimple on my face, and even my career choice. Why are Muslim people so demanding and ignorant? Shouldn't one look for a clean heart and strong faith? Why does this keep happening to me? I want to get married as soon as possible in order to lower my gaze, because my sexual desires are starting to kick in. I live in a country where sex sells and is everywhere you look in the TV, in movies, in stores, and magazines. It also makes it worse when the Muslims in my area all date and they kiss/hug their boyfriend and girlfriend. I know the right thing to do is to marry early which is what I am trying to do. My family and I have been telling everyone in my community, mosque, family, friends, etc. to look for a potential suitor. Yet, I keep running into problems where people have very high expectations for the girl. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please help.


In this counseling answer:

“Believe that Allah wants the best for you. It may be that Allah wants you to wait a bit more because He wants you to have more time for yourself to reach your goals and personal dreams.”

Salamu ‘Alaykum Sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. You are absolutely right when you say that many Muslims are still following the jahili (ignorant) method of marriage! Marriage is certainly a predicament for many Muslims living in the west (and all over the world). You absolutely have every right to feel frustrated and upset by what you have been seeing so far from possible suitors.

Sister, please keep your faith and trust in Allah strong. It seems your time to marry has not come yet. Everything that has and ever will happen to us has been written by Allah Almighty. Nothing can stop something from occurring if Allah willed it. Believe that and believe that Allah wants the best for you. It may be that Allah wants you to wait a bit more because He wants you to have more time for yourself to reach your goals and personal dreams.

Focus on yourself and who you want to become as a person. What are your dreams? What are your career goals? What are you passionate about? Have you done something you feel proud of? Experience life and gain experiences and insight. You have every right to feel the desire to marry, but don’t keep that desire from you being the best person you can be and reaching your full potential and serving mankind with your talents. Take this time to get to know yourself better and serve others. There is a great satisfaction in doing so. It will also help you to become a better person, better wife, mother, etc.

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Another piece of advice would be to be more proactive when it comes to marriage. You have mentioned that you seem to be getting the same kinds of people when it comes to suitors. Expand your social circle to include more like-minded people. Volunteer at your local masjid or other masjids in your area. Join MSA’s and other groups of Muslim youth who are active and whom you admire their worldviews. In other words, let people know that you exist, not just your family’s friends. Let your friends now that you are interested in marriage and other people whom you trust. There are also masjids in the USA that hold singles events in a controlled and Islamic environment. If you are interested, seek them out. Of course, some of my suggestions may be a little too “daring” for a Muslim female to do, but again, that is another jahili concept that we are reluctantly agreeing to!

May Allah help you and all single Muslims all around the world to guard themselves and to reach their potential as important and valuable people.



Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aliah F. Azmeh
Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.