Marriage Decision: Which Girl to Choose?

26 September, 2020
Q I am really entangled between two wonderful women.

I met the first one 5 years ago while I just met the other 2 years ago. I love the first girl but I think the second girl got most of my love, not because of anything but the fact that she(2nd girl) always understands me and we relate and flow a lot.

The first girl is so reserved that I need to bring her out of her shell. I have met her family and they know me. We might even plan marriage in the coming years, but what I am concerned about is how our marriage would be.

I am a very lively person and times without numbers have told her that I need her to be jovial too, she does this and later back to her old self (reserved).

I know keeping two relationships is wrong but I want to weigh my pros and cons. She loves me, evidently and she’s religious too compared to the second girl. Who isn’t that committed to religion but so loving and accommodating.

She(the second girl) wants me too and I used to feel drawn to her but I felt the first girl would be heartbroken if I leave her. Could you please advise me.

I have done Istikhara on both but am still kinda confused. I know I can't eat my cake and have it but I don't wanna regret making a choice when it comes to marriage.

I want a happy life and most importantly, a jovial one.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

  • Pray istikhara regarding each woman individually and refer to the AboutIslam article on how to read istikhara.
  • Make a pros/cons sheet for each woman. 
  • Make a list of your top needs in marriage to be happy.
  • Consider speaking with a trusted friend about your situation, someone who can be honest with you without being bias.
  • Be gentle in letting down the woman you don’t choose. Make duaa for her and try to make it a gentle and kind break. 

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatuulahi wa barakatu,

Thank you for taking the time to write in and share your concerns with us. It is my understanding you have two women you are considering for marriage. The first one has been in your life longer, is timid, the family knows one another, and marriage has been discussed yet you find she doesn’t stimulate you.

Marriage Decision: Which Girl to Choose? - About Islam

The second woman you met 2 years ago and finds she understands you better, is more extroverted, and “the second girl goes utmost of my love”. 

Double time

Brother, I have to wonder if both women are aware they are competing with another woman for your affection? If all of you have an agreement that you are talking to people to determine a compatible spouse that is one thing, but if this is being done behind their backs and both women believe they are the only one being considered then this is unethical.

I encourage you to rectify this as soon as possible so it does not weigh on your conscience and the girl you don’t select can move on to find happiness. 

While this is hard and confusing for you to be in the middle, it is also hard for the women who are being led on and believing they are “the one”.

I want you to consider something if it was so easy for you to take on a second woman while talking to the first woman, is this an indication of what you may do in the future in an unhappy marriage? It is important you make the right decision for your happiness and avoid this possibility. 


Check out this counseling video:


How to Decide

Brother, you need to ask yourself a very important question. Who can make me happy? Who do I want? Not who your family wants or who you are expected to be with, this is your marriage and a lifelong decision that can make you so happy or so miserable.

Who do you want? I can deduce from your words that you want the second woman and feel she is more compatible, but your family may want the first woman and this has already been moving forward. If you feel that is an accurate deduction then you have your answers. Let us unpack this more to make the decision easier on you. 

I am happy to see you have already prayed for istikhara. I encourage you to pray istikhara again over each one individually.

Firstly pray about the first woman and ask if you should marry her, then see what answers you receive. Then pray about the second and ask if you should marry her and determine those answers. If you need help reading your answer, refer to this article on istikhara. 

Activity 

Get out a pen and paper Brother, it can be easier if we make this tangible in front of us. On one sheet write Pros on one side and Cons on the other. Fill out one page per woman. Write down all of the pros and cons of each one.

For example, your page for the first woman may list family approval as a pro and under-stimulation as a con.

Once you have filled out both pages for both women I want you to get another sheet of paper for yourself. On that paper write down the top 3 things you need from a wife to be happy. Do not write down what your parents would answer or you think you’re supposed to say, be honest. 

Once you have done this, sit and compare your sheet alongside the pros/cons sheets of the two women. Who looks better on paper? What pros outweigh their cons? Look at what you wrote down as a need and if they meet those needs. 

Social connections

Brother, you may also want to consider speaking with a trusted friend or family member about your situation. I am not referring to someone who is going to tell you to marry the first one without hearing the case of the second, it needs to be someone understanding.

Let them know without bias how you feel about both women and see their response. If this person knows you well they may help you to gain insight into what each woman offers for marriage with you. 

Final Thoughts

My dear Brother, this is a confusing situation but inshallah you can make the best decision for your happiness and for their happiness. Please remember neither woman deserves to be led on if they expect marriage and its not going to happen. You need to rectify this. Here is a summary of your next steps forward. 

  • Pray istikhara regarding each woman individually and refer to the AboutIslam article on how to read istikhara
  • Make a pros/cons sheet for each woman 
  • Make a list of your top needs in marriage to be happy
  • Consider speaking with a trusted friend about your situation, someone who can be honest with you without bias
  • Be gentle in letting down the woman you don’t choose. Make duaa for her and try to make it a gentle and kind break. 

Inshallah you’ll make the best decision for a happy and jovial marriage. May Allah (swt) guide your decision and grant you a happy marriage, ameen. 

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Monique Hassan
Monique Hassan graduated with honors in 2012 with her BSc in Psychology and a minor in Biology and is certified in Crisis Prevention and Intervention. She has years of professional as well as personal experience with trauma, relationship struggles, substance abuse, identifying coping skills, conflict resolution, community outreach, and overall mental health concerns. She is a professional writer specialized in Islamic Psychology and Behavioral Health. She is also a revert who took her shahada in 2015, Alhamdulillah. You can contact Sister Monique Hassan via her website "MoniqueHassan.com"