Answer
In this counseling answer:
“Besides your dream – if I had not heard about your dream –, I would still be emphatic that you leave this man immediately and definitely not marry him because he fornicates and adulterated your committed relationship. He was violent with you and could potentially be violent with his future children.”
As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum dear sister in Islam,
I am sorry that you have been suffering abuse, both emotional and physical, and that your boyfriend cheated on you. However, those are not the main reasons that you should leave this man immediately.
First of all, your relationship is unlawful in Islam because you are not married yet. Allah says that He doubles the punishment for the fornicator:
“And those who do not invoke with Allah another deity or kill the soul which Allah has forbidden [to be killed], except by right, and do not commit unlawful sexual intercourse. And whoever should do that will meet a penalty. Multiplied for him is the punishment on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein humiliated -Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” (Qur’an 25:68-70)
So, first, you need to turn to Allah by obeying Him to protect yourself from His punishment.
Next, even though you are not married, your relationship is a committed one, like marriage, and he was unfaithful to that, which is like adultery. The Qur’an says about marrying an adulterer:
“The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator or a polytheist, and that has been made unlawful to the believers.” (Qur’an 24:3)
Furthermore, he is physically dangerous to you. You have a serious responsibility to yourself and your future children to NOT put yourselves in harmful ways. Your body and your soul and your children do not belong to you – they are a trust from Allah. You have a duty to Allah to treat them properly and behave properly and protect them from unlawful influences and danger. This man is dangerous and he is more than willing to do unlawful things – fornicate and “cheat” on you.
In addition, rudeness is not a small matter in Islam. Verbal abuse is also abuse. Verbal abuse is emotional abuse and that is just as damaging as physical abuse, but just in a different way and in a different department. The way you can tell that it matters is that it makes you weak and unable to function, just like how being physically beat-up makes you feel. This happens because it crushes your self-image and self-respect. It makes you feel “beat-up” because it actually is a form of aggression called “passive-aggression”. It is an attack, an “offense”, and offensive behaviors, in whatever forms, are not Islam.
Lastly, I think Allah may have already answered your question when, after you made istikhara, you dreamed about “him stretching his hand with anger, his face is furious, and he is trying to hit me.” To me, this dream is probably indicating what would happen in the future if you married this man. So, I would take that dream as a sign of “no, don’t marry him”, unless you want to be emotionally and physically abused. However, if you don’t want an abusive marriage, then take that dream seriously and thank Allah for giving you such a clear, direct message in answer to your istikhara.
Furthermore, if you still marry your fiancé after having such a dream, you may be guilty of not paying attention to Allah’s indications/signs of what the right thing to do is. The cost to you would be a life of misery in an abusive marriage. And Allahu Allem.
Besides your dream – if I had not heard about your dream –, I would still be emphatic that you leave this man immediately and definitely not marry him because he fornicates and adulterated your committed relationship. He was violent with you and could potentially be violent with his future children.
Lastly, he has proved to you – and himself – that he did not really change when he started being rude to you, again. In my opinion, it is just a matter of time, probably, until he is violent with you again.
I hope this helps, In Sha’ Allah! I hope you find the strength from Allah to follow the guidance of your religion and the blessing of your dream which, from what I can tell, indicated clearly not to stay with this man.
If you let your “love” for him take precedence over obeying Allah and your religion and your love for Allah, fear Allah! Remember, true love does not thrive in a Godless relationship and environment. Anything that people do in this life, no matter how “successful” it makes them look in this life or how much love they feel in it, it is all worth nothing unless it is done for Allah. In the Next Life, it will all come out – if not before.
Salam,
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