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Lost Interest in Marriage Due to Feminized Laws

30 October, 2017
Q Assalamu alaykum. I wanted to get married for a long time, but it hasn't been possible for financial and health reasons. My need and desire for it were especially strong because, as it has recently turned out, I've always had ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), and people with ADHD, due to lack of enough stimulation by normal means, are vulnerable to addictions. I’ve never resorted to substances or intoxicants alhamdulillah, but since my topic is "the need for marriage", you've already figured out what I ended up being addicted to. I now have a pretty good salary by the standards in Turkey. However, I still can't get married for personal and "legal" reasons. I'm an intellectual guy, outspoken and honest, but socially inept, tactless and gullible to others. I typically talk a lot and in meticulous details which is suffocating to most people. The only girl I've ever had a chat with for a possible marriage obviously felt thus suffocated. My ADHD explains my failure to keep myself from talking a lot, and my meticulosity is explained by my intellectuality and by the fact that my mother used to always rebuke me: "do something thoroughly if you're to do it at all". (By the way, I'm currently a lowest level academic, desperately striving to finish my second MA despite all those distractions and painful scrupulousness, hoping not to get kicked out of my academic job.) I was treated for OCD for years, while my more important ADHD was understandably overlooked, but the best medication after 12 and a half years was able to get me only this far. My "wasaawis" was really horrible in the past, and I'm in heaven now compared to those times, even despite my continuing mental pains. As for the "legal" obstacles to the prospect that I get married, the feminist media has forced the government to adopt secular totalitarian feminized laws of the EU wholesale in recent years through an aggressive strategy mainly based on an egregious generalization of the faults and crimes of a few men to the whole. Under these laws, it's the easiest thing on earth for the wife and her parents as well as her lawyers to ruin you for life, taking away all your possessions as indemnities on the grounds that your wife claims that once you hit her or shouted at her in a vile manner while she was only innocently reprimanding you and mocking your manhood. It's often enough that she claims you did such and such without needing to prove because it's now official that "the woman's statement is principal." After being robbed by this wealth-building sector of greedy lawyers and arrogant parents of women, you are also sentenced to paying about half your salary each month to your ex-wife until she gets married, which she mostly never does - at least not officially. This keeps you from ever being able to support a wife again. The children are by default hers too, of course. It's seemingly a small minority of young men who've been being subjected to this ultimate persecution, only because the vast majority have become like docile sheep to their wives so that their wives and the wives' families won't use their total legal capacity to ruin them for life. I don't want to be like that, but even the most pious girl I've ever met wholeheartedly believes in those laws and explains away the Quran's laws to the contrary. Hence, I've come to believe that it's a much lesser sin to watch erotica than to enslave yourself to another human under the fake title of marriage. Please note that I'm especially vulnerable to such legal persecution due to the above-explained medical past of mine. I'm a usual suspect in this regard. Still, I can't keep wishing to get actually married in the Islamic real way and not the feminist-fascist "fake" way.

Answer

Maryam Bachmeier
30 October, 2017

In this counseling answer:

“When two come together for a life journey of mutual respect, support and companionship, they also accept responsibility for each other’s welfare. That is a commitment that no corporeal law can enforce. Thus, you must elevate your own existence to be living from this place in order to attract a woman who is also in this place of consciousness. If you make these changes within yourself, you will find yourself to be content with or without marriage.”

Wa ‘Alaykum As-Salam brother,

I can certainly understand your fears. I am a mother of both grown women and a son whom I love very much. I am going to first stop you in our tracks for a minute and then follow up with a more thorough response.

Your well-developed habit of intellectualizing your emotions and feelings has also facilitated your process of rationalizing away unhealthy behaviors. No, watching porn is unhealthy. It will not solve anything at all but destroy your ability to perceive women as human beings with feelings and needs as much as you are a human being with feelings and needs.

Now, I must explain to you that I do not know the laws in Turkey at all. I am not in tune with any political movements and rarely pay attention to any ‘isms’, be it feminism, hedonism, fascism, capitalism, socialism, communism. Indeed, you might notice my aversion to ‘isms’ and ‘ologies’ as I consistently preach that the only solution for humanity at this point in time is a spiritual revolution.

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With that said, you seem to be a young man who very much wants to find a woman you can feel emotionally connected to, whom you can trust with the deepest parts of your soul, and with whom you can develop a lasting and meaningful bond.

Political landscapes will come and go. Allah (swt) will always remain the same regardless of the current theology or political milieu of the day. Allah (swt) is the Source of All Being. This is where you want to go. This is the place from which your awareness and understanding of the world around you, yourself, and your relationship to others and Allah (swt) will grow. You will benefit if you shift your focus to this place.

You will not ever be safe until you trust yourself. Are you ready for being responsible for the welfare of a woman for the rest of your life? Are you ready to make such a commitment? Are you ready to give your time, your heart, your life to a union that will support a healthy home and life?

In the USA, a woman does not have any rights to alimony, unless she has been a man’s dependent for 10 years. And after such a divorce, she is usually still left destitute. There may be more going on than just feminism. We also live in an economy that if a woman works for 10 years, she not only gets paid enough money to support herself and her children (albeit meagerly), but she will also be entitled to some sort of retirement and medical help. Whereas if she serves a husband faithfully for 10 years, and he abandons her or puts her in such danger that she must leave for her or her children safety, she rarely gets enough to survive on, unless she has married a wealthy man.

With that said, in the USA, there is a very complex problem that combines multiple factors including men abandoning their families, refusing to be responsible for the welfare of their families, and an economy that is now making it nearly impossible for a man to provide and support a family with only one paycheck even if he wants to. In a situation where a woman has worked and is not the man’s dependent, she does not get anything in the matter of a divorce; she might even be forced to pay alimony to the man.

I am not writing this to make any kind of judgment at all. In fact, if you shift your focus to the spiritual world, you will not judge the events of this world so much as observe and work toward being as good of a person as you possibly can be while you are dancing on this Earth for a short while. If such a shift is made collectively, this goodness will be reflected in the models of our societies. If you make this shift individually, you will no longer be addicted to marriage. Marriage will not fulfill you. A woman will not make you happy. That is not her purpose. Nor can you make a woman happy.

When two come together for a life journey of mutual respect, support and companionship, they also accept responsibility for each other’s welfare. That is a commitment that no corporeal law can enforce. Thus, you must elevate your own existence to be living from this place in order to attract a woman who is also in this place of consciousness. If you make these changes within yourself, you will find yourself to be content with or without marriage.

Indeed, you are not defined by your outer circumstances, challenges, or even your past. Go within and discover who you really are, the creation of Allah (swt). When nothing else defines you but this truth, you will be ready for authentic love. Light attracts light. Love attracts love. These are the spiritual and metaphysical laws of Allah (swt) and are at the heart of creation itself.

So, the solution for you today is to shift your focus and go within, take a moral inventory of yourself, identify areas of your own self that you can improve, and be your own personal journey of self-discovery and self-improvement. We are all on this journey together in one way or another, so you will not be alone if you move forward with conscious awareness. We are never done; we always unfold to more of who we were originally created to be by Allah (swt). Only when we realize this are we able to share ourselves with others. Only when we share ourselves with others are we authentically connected to others. Only when we give from the endless supply of Allah (swt) can we live authentically. The minute we forget this, our ego gets in our way and blocks us from our progress.

I want you to contemplate these. You will discover additional tools which help you to become a relaxed person. You will be more able to gently tune in to and receive all that this beautiful universe wants to give to you. This is the key to overcoming OCD; this is the place where you can become quiet enough within yourself to discover adaptive skills to override your ADHD, and this is the place where you will find your own soul spark with which to attract your mate.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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