When I was 6 years old, my 14-year-old neighbor often sexually harassed me. My parents never thought bad of him. He told me that what happened between us was normal, and asked me not to tell my parents.
I believed him. I was just a kid who didn’t know anything. This went on for a year until my family moved to another city, and I did not see him again.
At school, friends often tease me because they say that voice is soft and I'm feminine. In fact, I was sexually harassed at a religious school by two of my own friends.
At the age of 15, I went to boarding school and bad things happened again. This time was different though. I didn’t feel like a victim, I and them all enjoyed it.
Sometimes I do not understand how could I have met a lot of people like that in my life. I began to realize that I was sexually attracted to the same sex. I don't have a special feeling when talking to any girls but I have a different feeling from my male friends.
My close friend got to know about my sexual orientation when I secretly kissed him while he slept in the dormitory. He woke up and yelled at me. Fortunately, he did not tell others what happened. Since then, he has been hostile to me and no longer talked to me.
At the age of 20, I became active on social media. I found many new friends on Facebook and What’s app groups. I had sex chats with many men and have done inappropriate things in my life. I share nude videos and photos with them.
You need to know, I still keep praying, fasting, interacting normally with people around me and even reciting the Koran regularly. It’s as if I had two personalities.
One day I realized that I had to stop all this. I stopped contacting my sex chat friends and ignored their calls. However, after that I felt so lonely. I missed them so I contacted them again. I failed.
I think that I can quit all this if I get married. Finally, I got engaged even though I didn't have enough money. My fiancee's parents understood me so they didn't load me with burdening demands. Even though I'm engaged, I still keep in contact with my gay friends and do bad things with them.
Secretly, I feel guilty, dirty and evil for betraying my fiancee. On the other hand, I feel worried that when I get married someday, I can't love my wife because of my sexual orientation. Please help me.
Answer
I strongly urge you for the sake of that woman and her family, if you care about her happiness, call off this engagement.
Option one is to accept this as your sexual orientation and seek a healthier understanding and practice of what that means. Mecca Institute is a resource you could use; it has varied perspectives regarding this and could be of assistance.
Option two is to consider therapy such as reintegrative therapy. It is a specialized therapy utilizing intervention techniques seen in trauma-based therapies as well as addiction.
Regardless of your decision, seek help from a therapist.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu.
Thank you for expressing such pain and hardship openly; that is not easy to do.
There are multiple layers to unfold here: sexual trauma during your beginning years of sexual development, and later more sexual trauma from peers. Bullying, questioning why all this is happening to you.
Later on, you assaulting a friend while he slept, and being engaged to a woman you feel no attraction towards while you continue to sexually engage with men outside of this engagement.
My dear Brother, you have endured a lot of pain. May Allah (swt) heal your wounds. However, this does not justify marrying a woman for “I can quit this if I get married”.
I strongly urge you for the sake of that woman and her family, if you care about her happiness, call off this engagement.
Please consider doing that immediately without delay. You should enter marriage when you are truly ready for marriage, not when you are looking for someone to heal your wounds.
She will not change you. She will endure you until it is too much to handle and pain has been further handed down.
There is an expression: hurt people, hurt people. This is an unfortunate type of defense mechanism where people with past traumas and emotional scars will hurt others.
It is not to say that people with trauma histories will hurt others, but it is a way some people express that underlying pain as they grow or heal.
While I don’t think it was your intention to hurt your friend or to hurt your current fiancé, please understand it did, and it will.
Assault
It is important we also talk about your friend. It is never OK to take advantage of someone, and kiss them or touch them without their consent. That is a form of assault.
While it is not at the level of what you experienced, you should still be able to empathize with what it feels like to have someone assert their physical presence on you and take advantage of you. I urge you to think about that and pray on it.
If you are ever in a situation that tempts you to do something like this in the future, you must take a deep breath, turn around and walk out of the room as you breathe out. You are stronger than your urges.
Sexual Orientation
You have a choice to make regarding your sexual orientation. I am a counselor, not an Islamic jurist, so I will answer you from that perspective.
If you want the jurist side of this legislation, I suggest you use the Ask a Scholar page and you can read various answers. I encourage you to pray isktikhara and really think about everything.
Option one is to accept this as your sexual orientation, and seek a healthier understanding and practice of what that means. Mecca Institute is a resource you could use; it has varied perspectives regarding this and could be of assistance.
Option two is to consider therapy such as reintegrative therapy. It is a specialized therapy utilizing intervention techniques seen in trauma-based therapies as well as addiction.
Do not confuse this with conversion therapy which has a track record of negativity and even creating new traumas with harsh techniques. You can use this link to speak with a representative about reintegrative therapy.
Therapy
Regardless of what your preference is in moving forward, I strongly encourage you to seek out professional therapy. You have a lot to unpack that requires someone knowledgeable in therapy, not a marriage.
If you feel uncomfortable with face to face therapy initially, you can use online options. Seek out whichever you feel the most comfortable with.
Please understand that therapy is not an overnight process. However, it can give you greater happiness, help you process all that pain and find resolution if you stick with it.
Practicing Muslim
Brother, Mashallah, you describe yourself as fasting, praying and reciting Quran. This sounds like someone who believes in Allah (swt) and the final Messenger. This sounds like a Muslim.
Don’t lose sight of the love, mercy and wisdom of Allah (swt). You are part of the creation and you were created to worship. This is not a secondary side of you, rather it is part of your core and it is a blessing to maintain it. Say Alhamdulillah to have this enduring faith and don’t stop practicing. Never think you are not good enough to worship.
“and your Lord says, “Call upon Me; I will respond to you.” [Quran 40:60]
Next Steps
I understand that this is a difficult situation for you and you have endured a lot at the hands of other’s cruelty. Here is a summary of those next steps forward in your progression.
- Call off the wedding. You do not need to explain why but for her better interest and yours, this wedding should not happen.
- Seek out professional therapy and do it on a regular basis. Remember, this can be online if you don’t feel comfortable doing it face to face.
- Be mindful to maintain appropriate boundaries with friends and not violate that trust during vulnerable times
- Maintain your practice of Islam, use that time in prayer to talk about all of your feelings and make duaa for guidance.
Inshallah, you can find greater happiness and when ready, a healthy relationship that will show you healthy love. May Allah (swt) heal your wounds, guide you and grant you strength,
Ameen.
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