Answer
Answer:
Dear sister,
Marriage is one of the most serious events that you will experience in your life as it is the process of seeking a lifelong soul mate who will help you to complete your faith spiritually.
You stated that you are currently a university student working towards your bachelor’s of science.
It seems that based on the description of your current relationship and what you are looking for in a spouse, you are someone who holds “conservative” Islamic values.
You recently met this guy and have been talking to him recently for the purpose of marriage.
He has a prior history of more liberal friendships with women but claims that he no longer leads this type of lifestyle.
This makes you doubting whether he would be the “right guy for you”.
There are two major issues that are concerning and stand out to me, which are trust and compatibility.
You stated that at the beginning of the relationship he exhibited behavior similar to someone who holds conservative Islamic values.
However, as the relationship progressed, he began initiating conversations that were sexual in nature, and he wanted to engage in phone sex, which is clearly contradictory to the “conservative” values that he attests to have.
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What can help you make your decision is paying more attention to his actions rather than paying attention to the things he tells you because he may think that these are things you would like to hear.
Your initial feelings are always a sign for you to pay attention to whether it is positive or negative.
If you are noticing more and more that the things he says and believes are not matching up with his actions, point this out in your discussions with him and thoroughly discuss whether or not this could be an issue in your marriage in the future.
Trust is incredibly important in a marriage, and it is applied in every aspect of the relationship.
According to Islam, we should marry someone trustworthy so that he will fulfill his rights and obligations towards us spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, physically, and financially.
This means that starting off the relationship where both individuals are being honest with one another is incredibly important.
Being honest with another person often requires us to be honest with ourselves.
This would mean knowing how our interpretations of Islam, culture, childhood and upbringing, personality, and value system will impact the relationship which essentially determines the types of partners that we seek out.
If you feel like you are not confident about how these various aspects of yourself impact the relationship, do not feel guilty in wanting to take a step back from this relationship.
If you find that this guy allows you room to discuss your concerns, validates your concerns, and does not try to coerce you into sexual behavior that makes you feel degraded, move forward and continue to take precautions.
Continue to explain and make it clear who you are as a person and give him a platform without judgment to express who he really is as a person.
Reflect on what is more important to you: marrying someone who lies about who he is in order to tell you what you would like to hear, or marrying someone who is completely honest about who he is and is considerate enough to tell you what exactly his values are.
Being honest about who one is even if the person knows that it may be different information from what his potential spouse may want to hear is a sign of emotional maturity.
This is due to the fact that the person has taken the time to think about his differences and the impact on a relationship.
I hope this information was helpful. Continue to ponder on these points and make a list of deal breakers and aspects of who you are which will make this process of getting to know someone for marriage clearer.
Best wishes,
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