Answer
In this counseling answer:
When you have a different opinion over getting married than your parents, you need to explain to them kindly – maybe with the help of a third party – that forced marriage is haram in Islam and you have every right to chose your partner. But make sure s/he is really the one you want to live the rest of your life with.
As-Salaamu ’Aleikom,
What you are describing is unfortunately very common in the Pakistani society and it is very hard to change it. Parents think a lot about what other people will think and say, and it influences them more or less in everything in life.
There is nothing wrong with liking someone and wanting to marry them. You have known this guy for 9 years now. Before you both decided to marry each other, you should have told your parents about him from the beginning. It will, of course, be a little hard for them to accept that he has been married before, especially when they have a very traditional Pakistani thinking. They will find any reason to not marry you off to him.
You should ask yourself: why you like this guy and what is so special about him? Marriage is a very big and serious decision in life; thus, it is important to think through properly before you make any decision at all. If he has a good character and is a good Muslim who can support and provide for you, then you have all rights to marry him.
First, make it clear to your parents, directly if possible or through an uncle, a brother or anyone whom they trust, that you want this man to become your husband and there are no legal impediments against that as the best is the most pious.
Second, It is not permissible in Islam to force a girl to marry someone she doesn’t want to. The Messenger of Allah (saw) said:
“A previously married woman should not be married without being consulted, and a virgin should not be married without asking her permission. (Abu Dawud)
Both the guardian and the woman must agree to the marriage.
If your parents have any other man who might be a better option for you, then you could always do istikharah and ask for Allah’s advice in this matter. Remember, whenever you find yourself in hardship and it seems like there is no way out, then you should always seek for Allah’s help. Allah (swt) is the best of planners.
I understand that you might be going through a hard time with your parents, and sometimes parents do not realize that they are hurting their children by taking away their right of choosing their life partner themselves. They think they know the best, which is right in some cases because they have more experience with people and life. But when the decisions are purely based on what other people may say and think, then I think it is very wrong. You should have a strong faith in Allah and pray to him to guide you and your parents to make the right decision for you.
It has been mentioned in the Qur’an:
Say, “He is the Most Merciful; we have believed in Him, and upon Him we have relied. And you will [come to] know who it is that is in clear error.” (67:29)
I am sure you have already sat down with your parents and had a talk with them about what you want, but I suggest that you speak to a family member, such as an uncle, cousin etc., who understands you and whom your parents trust. This person can talk and explain to your parents how you feel in this situation. It may make it easier for your parents to see that what they are trying to do is wrong.
Do not be harsh or rude with your parents, just speak in a respectable manner and be firm with them about your interest in this guy. I am sure they will let you marry him when they see how much you want to marry him. Make sure he is worth all of this.
May Allah (swt) give you the patience to handle this situation and guide you on the right path.
Ameen.
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