I Love Someone Else, Should I Reject this Proposal?

18 September, 2020
Q A girl had a haram relationship with her cousin where they used to talk on the phone while they knew it was haram.

Then finally they decided to quit and stop talking and the boy promised the girl that he will come to ask for marriage and he also told his family about the girl.

The girl is from a religious background while the boy is not. He prays Salah sometimes and skips sometimes.

Now the girl has received a proposal from an aalim with his family also religious. What should the girl do? Should she tell her mother about her cousin and reject this proposal?

Answer


In this counseling session:

  • Marriage is a very important and a life changing experience and it is vital that the girl speaks to the parents about the subject so that she does not have any regrets later about not having followed her heart.
  • The family cannot impose marriage on the girl, unless she is ready or willing. 
  • Values play a huge role in how successful the marriage is; if both spouses have mutual values such as religion, life purpose etc; it is more likely that the marriage will survive the turbulences which are often inevitable in life.
  • Istikhara helps us come closer to the things which are good for us in this life and the Hereafter, and takes away from us people and situations that may not be good for us in this world and the Hereafter.  

Assalamu Alaikum Sister, 

In your question, you have mentioned about a girl who was in a relationship with a cousin, whereas, she now has a proposal from an Aalim. So your question is whether the girl should accept this proposal or talk to her mother about the cousin. 

Well, sister, I do not have a straightforward answer to that. Looking at it from a purely Islamic perspective – it is indeed honorable to have a proposal from a scholar of Deen. 

However, it is also important for the girl to know what kind of a person she has got a proposal from. Being an Aalim, the person is likely to have a strict code of values which he would like his wife to follow. However, the girl also needs to be aware – if she can cope up with the strict demands which might entail after the marriage.

I Love Someone Else, Should I Reject this Proposal? - About Islam

Similarly – the girl also needs to be aware of what a potential marriage would be like for her, if she marries her cousin who doesn’t pray regularly? Would it bring her intense discomfort that he does not pray regularly or is not as religious as her?

Marriage is a serious decision; where a girl’s whole life is about to change. Therefore; this matter should not be hurried, but rather it’s important that the girl as well as her family patiently explore the options and weigh the pros and cons of marriage to each possible suitor and then make a decision; instead of making a decision strictly based on emotions. 

Communicating With The Parents Regarding Marriage

Marriage is a very important and a life changing experience and it is vital that the girl speaks to the parents about the subject so that she does not have any regrets later about not having followed her heart. There is no reason to accept or reject a proposal right away and it is absolutely okay for her to take her time and make the decision that feels right to her.

There is often a sense of “hurry” when there is a proposal – however, I feel it only adds more pressure on the girl. Let her know that she can take her time to make up her mind what she wants, whatever is in her destiny– nobody can take away or give it to her except Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. 


Check out this counseling video:


Understanding Marriage In Islam

Marriage is a sacred and beautiful thing  between husband and wife – where the husband provides and takes care of the woman and their children; and the woman is subservient to the man; however she is still independent in her rights.  According to a Hadith, 

It has been reported from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said:

“A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”  [al-Bukhaari; 4802] & [Muslim  1466]

The same can also be applied to a man, when a woman is selecting a spouse. However, there are several other things that are also important such as compatibility of one’s temperament. In another Hadith, Prophet Muhammad SAW said, 

“The best of you are the best to their families, and I am the best to my family. When your companion dies, then do not abuse him.” [Sunan al-Tirmidhī 3895]

The Girl Has A Right To Choose The Spouse In Islam

In religious families, it is often traditional that the girl is not given a say in her marriage; and is told that this is a decision which is taken by the family – however, a girl has a complete right to ensure that the person she will marry is someone she can spend her life with. Therefore, the family cannot impose marriage on the girl, unless she is ready or willing. 

Mutual Values Are Essential

Values play a huge role in how successful the marriage is; if both spouses have mutual values such as religion, life purpose etc; it is more likely that the marriage will survive the turbulences which are often inevitable in life. Therefore, it is important to take into account what values the girl has. 

Often, we are carry the values given to us by our parents, culture and society – however, it is important to acknowledge that both men and women have a right to forming their own values and priorities in life – as long as they are in accordance with the values given to us in Islam. 

Ask Allah SWT For Guidance

Last but not the least, it is essential to Ask Allah Subhanau Taala for help and guidance.  Because it is Allah who knows what is best for us. Doing an Istikhara before selecting a spouse is also a Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad SAW.

Istikhara helps us come closer to the things which are good for us in this life and the Hereafter, and takes away from us people and situations that may not be good for us in this world and the Hereafter. 

Salam, 

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

About Zainab Farrukh
Zainab Farrukh is a Counseling Psychologist. She is deeply inspired to bring about change at the individual, interpersonal and global levels.  She can be reached on her Facebook page – Thrive Now