I used to post a lot and albeit my personal info once with email. Fast forward I got burned out by the marriage search and I decided to quit. I felt very disappointed and disillusioned and because I still liked this guy.
This same guy I’m infatuated with and literally loved sooo much hacks my email and starts posting about all my secrets (past sins from years ago), all my shortcomings, my insecurities. The way he phrased it wasn’t in a mean way but the content was still my private things there.
He thought he was doing me a favor because I posted and asked how to get them deleted. It brought me so much shame I got into a depression and had to take meds. I met him in IRL too several times. He was literally the only person I liked, I swear to you whilst this was happening I was even forgiving him despite it kept on happening.
My parents said no to a potential marriage with him and before this occured and during and I felt like Allah was showing me big signs I should not go ahead several times IRL and by blocks. Idk if the guy would even want to consider what he knows about me… still I misread the signals. But yet this happened.
I feel internal anger /rage and I get constant crying spells throughout the day. Especially before my period it feels like I become almost suicidal out of despair. I feel a big longing to go to the places I used to visit like the mosque and where there are Islamic lectures but he’s also there.
I feel so much shame I want to isolate myself but also big longing of being amongst other Muslims. Idk if he did this so that I would stop liking him and marry someone else because I posted about liking him too and not being able to get over.
Or if he was interested because he did show interest several times. What do I do to remove this anger? How should I show my face again?”
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- When we lack clarity and answers, our minds tend to fill in the gaps by creating subjecitve explanations.
- Sometimes closure does not always come from answers. Sometimes it comes from acceptance.
Assalamu alaikum, sister,
Thank you for your trust and sharing your worries. I am sorry to hear about your feelings of sadness and anger. However, I had some difficulties to fully understand the details of what happened.
When I seek understanding of a situation I try to separate facts from interpretations. From what I understand, you liked this person very much, mainly through group interactions or shared group involvement.
At some point, he hacked your email, deleted some of your entries, and posted or exposed some of your private matters, which are facts. You mentioned that he believed he was doing you a favor, especially because you had previously asked for help on how to get certain things deleted. THis might be your interpretation of the fact.
You also mentioned that your parents refused a potential marriage with him. This is a fact. Also that you are experiencing strong emotions—anger, rage, a deep longing to return to places you used to visit, and a great deal of shame.
You feel the urge to isolate yourself, and you do not understand why he acted the way he did. You are unsure whether he was ever truly interested in you, and this uncertainty has intensified your feelings of shame and confusion.
Reality and Imagination
Dear sister, it seems to me that reality, imagination, and emotional interpretation have become mixed together. You are clearly experiencing this situation very deeply and vividly on an emotional level. However, when I look at your letter, there appear to be very few concrete facts, and many unanswered questions.
One of the most difficult aspects of situations like this is that when we lack clarity and answers, our minds tend to fill in the gaps. We create subjecitve explanations without knowing whether they are true. I cannot tell you why he did what he did—only he can answer that. Likewise, I cannot say whether he was interested in you or not. That is something only he truly knows.
Is it possible that part of your shame comes from feeling emotionally exposed or vulnerable—especially if you cared deeply and feared that your feelings were not shared? Or is it related to the group you were in?
When emotions run deep, it can feel as though every thought and feeling is visible to others, even when it may not be. If this is your case, it may be worth working on your own fears from vulnerability and emotional expression. Ask yourself, what are you afraid of? Is it rejection? Something else?
Dear sister, it seems to me that there are two possible paths.
One option is to gather your strength and seek clarity—asking direct questions about his actions and intentions, at least regarding why he deleted or exposed certain things.
The second option is to let go and accept that this situation may not have the answers you are hoping for. Closure does not always come from answers. Sometimes it comes from acceptance.
A helpful question to ask yourself is this: Would knowing his intentions truly change anything?
Would it change your current reality, your marriage prospects, or your emotional state? If gaining clarity would genuinely help you heal, then it may be worth seeking.
On the other hand, If it would not change the outcome or bring peace, then letting go may be the other choice. In this case, healing should not depend on his explanation, but on your acceptance of the situation as it happened.
In any case, it is worth reflecting upon what you have gained from this experience. What did you learn from this test? What would you do differently next time?
About Anger
Regarding your anger, I can imagine that under this emotion there must be something else. Maybe disappointment, maybe sadness, grief, hopelessness for lost dreams.
Ask yourself, what else do you feel? Can you connect to those feelings? Can you see that most likely they are natural responses to these events? For example, when we mourn lost opportunities or a relationship, sadness and grief are natural responses. Again, acceptance can help you to heal and move on.
You will need to reflect and choose what is best for your well-being and dignity. What matters most now is protecting your emotional health, regaining your sense of stability, and moving forward with self-respect and compassion for yourself. May Allah help you with that,