I’ve never had a boyfriend as I am saving myself for marriage, which is something that is dear to my heart. I want to build a relationship with someone that will help me better myself as a Muslim, take care of me & genuinely love me all the time. I pray to Allah swh a lot for this. But I also fear being in love with men because most men I’ve got to see in my life always 1st made sure that their wives have full trust on them & then after realizing their trust these men kind of backstabs their wives trust by spending time & nights with other women afterwards. Also, as I’m studying in a co-ed educational institute for now I to talk with the male classmates often & most of their opinions & activities always indicates that they want multiple wives or female partners to spend their time with in the future.
In such situations I honestly lost all my hope for a genuinely loving spouse & on the men as whole too. I honestly feel like no matter what I’ll do I’ll never have a spouse who’ll actually love only me as his only women meanwhile not having any desire for any other women. I also don’t wanna go into a relationship before marriage. But if I were to get married to someone who’s unknown to me is a good religious person. That will also be tough. Because I also feel like it’s kind of impossible to share my life with someone whom I wouldn’t know anything about.
Now my exact question is there anything that I can do to have a spouse who will actually only love me?
Also is there anything that I can do before marriage to know that person’s true love /intrest/ intentions?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- You have the right to meet and find out as much as possible about your future spouse.
- Think about and write down your must-haves and your dealbreakers. Then define these concepts prior to the meetings and make sure that you mean the same thing when you talk about them.
- Why do you notice those that support your beliefs? Our mind works this way; we filter out information that would challenge our views and beliefs.
Wa alaikom salam, dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us.
Masallah, you say that you are saving yourself for marriage. You also present concrete expectations: find someone who will help you be a better Muslim, who will take care of you, and who will genuinely love you all the time.
At the same time, you fear being in love because you see men backstabbing their wives trust after marriage, and this same conclusion you derive from the opinions of your classmates too.
Well, sister, there are some things to unpack here.
You Can Know Each Other
First of all, let me start with the last statement: that you do not want to be with anyone you do not know anything about. So, I want to tell you that you do not need to, alhamdulillah.
During the marriage search and courting period, you have the right to meet and find out as much as possible about your future spouse. Of course, in a halal setting, you do have the opportunity to ask genuine questions you are interested in, and you can expect answers and base your decision on them.
List & Define Your Must-Haves and Dealbreakers
So, what you can do is think about and write down your must-haves and your dealbreakers. The things you really want and need in a spouse, and those you cannot stand or do not want to have in your life at all. Being religious and trustworthy, for example, can be one of these must-haves in your case.
I also recommend that you define these concepts prior to the meetings and make sure that you mean the same thing when you talk about them. What does religiosity mean to you? What does it mean to be trustworthy? Your candidate may have different ideas about what these concepts signify, so it is very important to clarify that during your conversations.
Regarding your expectations, it is very good, sister, and very important that you know what you want prior to the marriage. At the same time, make sure that your expectations are not too idealistic.
What You Do for the Marriage
When it comes to marriage, sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking that our happiness and way to Jannah are not our responsibility but those of our spouses. But actually, it is yours. You are responsible for your deen and for successfully navigating your marriage, and this goes for both of you.
Imagine what happens if both of you expect the other to make your marriage successful. Will you progress if the responsibility is left in the hands of your spouse?
So, the approach should be rather, “What can I add to this to make it work?” or “What will I bring to this marriage to make it happy?” again, for both of you. This means that both of you will come with the attitude and willingness to take action and improve for the better.
You mention genuine love in your letter too. What does this mean for you? Having someone who is supportive and non-judgmental certainly means a lot for your general well-being. But it is also true that despite having this attitude, you will still face conflict and misunderstandings. It is good to be prepared to deal with these differences while knowing that these are not signs of not being loved by the other.
And this links to the last point I want to share with you.
Mental Filters
You say that you see marriages where men backstab their wives and spend time with other women. And your conclusion is similar when you talk with your classmates.
Well, do not say that what you have experienced does not exist, sister, because surely it does. Especially if your peers are non-Muslims, as in non-Muslim society, norms and views on women-men relationships are different.
But I would like to point out that there are opposite examples too, even if we switch roles. So, this has to do with our perception of these relationships.
Why do you notice those that support your beliefs? Our mind works this way; we filter out information that would challenge our views and beliefs. This way, we keep feeding our thoughts and feelings—the negative ones too—about certain things and ignore others that would be more supportive and positive.
So, I would like to ask you to challenge these views by searching explicitly for counterevidence to your statement.
Look around and note down those relationships you know where husbands did not “make sure that their wives had full trust in them & then after realizing their trust, these men kind of backstabbed their wives trust by spending time & nights with other women afterwards.” Or where this happened, but the wives did the same.
You may see that the reality is more diverse.
Read some more about trust here.
If you think that these thoughts about trust and lack of trust are rooted somewhere on a deeper level and have to do with earlier childhood experiences about trust and safety with loved ones, I recommend you seek counseling to talk about these issues and put them into another perspective.
May Allah help you with it!
Read more:
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