His Family Insists that I Leave Him Alone

29 October, 2020
Q Asalamu Alaikum.

This is the first time I have found a connection with someone from the Pakistani culture. I met this guy a few months ago and we just clicked, it seemed as though he is the one. Our connection started out and is very much revolved around religion.

Being a European Muslim, it is very hard for me to meet someone who shares an equal interest in religion and a similar previous lifestyle as me. We get each other and InshaAllah, we plan to marry and grow our deen together.

The problem is his family insists that I leave him alone. He has had a few recent issues with car wrecks and his family thinks he is distracted and essentially blame me for it. He loves me and I love him. We try to help each other grow and mature on a daily basis. I tell him to spend more time with his family, to build a better and stronger relationship with them, as family is the most important part of life to me. I am deeply saddened at the fact that they want me out of his life.

I can understand his parents, somewhat, as they've had a different stricter upbringing in Pakistan, but his sister who grew up here, is the one causing all of the fights and problems. Recently she contacted me and said some very nasty words which broke my heart. I am not sure what to do.

I spoke to my mother and she thinks that we should keep distance but stay in touch and if God-willing it is our destiny then it will work out.

I hate to see him hurt, he begs me to stay, but I am being emotionally and psychologically abused by his family, who is controlling him at 27 years old. We are not children. How do we overcome this? I know it's his duty to fix the situation with his family. What can I do to help? Best regards.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

  • Islam gives proper right to both the partners pertaining to selection.
  • To love someone is a natural emotion. There is absolutely no sin on one who loves another person.
  • One tip, when you want to get married to someone from a Pakistani background or from the neighboring countries: always check his parents because you are not just marrying him, but you are marrying into HIS family.
  • Involve the local imaam or a respected elder and get them to speak to his parents and try to convince them.
  • You have done your part, and now it is for him to convince his parents to accept you. Take a step back and wait for his actions now.

As Salam ‘Aleikom,

Ma sha’ Allah, it sounds like you both have the right things in mind when you want to get married. Your commitment to Islam and wanting to learn and improve each others deen is excellent.

Parents

Unfortunately, many Muslims, especially young women and men, face tough times trying to convince their parents and close relatives to accept their chosen partners. Sounds like you have found the connection with each other and want to marry each other, but if his parents are not willing to accept you, then whatever you say will fall on deaf ears.

Marriage

Marriage is one of the biggest decisions that a person makes in life. This decision has a direct and grave impact on the future of the person and is also a major contributor to the happiness of both the partners involved in the relationship. After tying the matrimonial knot, the couple’s life will eventually change; therefore, the decision needs to be taken after proper considerations.

The general misconception about Islam is that it is a religion that does not allow the partners to know and see each other before marriage. Thus, the marriages that take place among Muslims are all arranged where the parents of both partners make the decision without the permission of their children. This conception is wrong and Islam gives proper right to both the partners pertaining to selection.

His Family Insists that I Leave Him Alone - About Islam

Misconception

In addition to the general provision of right of selection as a marriage partner, people argue that Muslim women have less freedom in this regard as compared to men. This is also a misconception as Islam gives proper right to women to show their consent with regards to their partner. Islam has given freedom to both the genders to marry the person of their choice.

To love someone is a natural emotion. There is absolutely no sin on one who loves another person. It is what one does after one has fallen in love with that person which would determine whether it would be counted as a virtue and a good deed in the sight of Allah (swt) or a sin.

He should convince his parents to marry you, and they should respect his decision and be happy for him.

South Asian background

One tip, when you want to get married to someone from a Pakistani background or from the neighboring countries: always check his parents because you are not just marrying him, but you are marrying into HIS family. If his parents have backward mentality, in most cases, you will be in conflict with his family after marriage.

He is obviously under a lot of pressure from his family. What he needs to understand that it is not a choice between you and his parents, but it is a choice between his own life and the one that his parents gave.

While it is understood that parents do a lot of things for children for which children need to be thankful, they shouldn’t reject their own child to consider himself as an individual who shall marry the woman he wants.

You have encouraged him to spend more time with his family and strengthen the bond with them, and that is very good. He knows you and if he still loves you and wants to marry you, then he will sort things out, In sha’ Allah.


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Communication

You can suggest that he tries to involve the local imaam or a respected elder and get them to speak to his parents and try to convince them. Of course, if they agree to meet you, then be patient and tolerant even if they speak against you.

Allah (swt) sees all, and if they behave in an unjust way, then they will be held to account. You are responsible for your own soul, so be kind to others regardless of their behavior.

I advise you for now to listen to your mother and keep your distance, but let him know that you will wait for him and his parents to approach for marriage. You should be honest with him about how you feel. You could tell him maybe that I feel unappreciated, worthless, and scared when I interact with your sister and parents.

Conclusion

Also, tell him what you need from him. If you keep contact with him, his family will think that you are being needy and cant let go of their son. You have done your part, and now it is for him to convince his parents to accept you. Take a step back and wait for his actions now.

If you give the ball in his hand, he will know that he will have to be strong and fight for you, otherwise he can lose you. If you try too hard and keep in touch with him, without succeeding, then it will hurt your feelings even more, and that is not nice.

So I suggest that you show some patience. If this marriage is meant to be, then it will go the right direction. Whatever happens, remember that it is already written, dear sister, and Allah (swtt) will give you whatever He (swt) knows is best for you.

May Allah (swt) make it easier for both of you and guide you to the right path, In sha’ Allah.

Salaam,

***

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