After some meetings with his family, my mother and I were offended by an incident where the boy's sister took too many pictures of me in close-up (he refused my brother to take a picture of himself).
After weeks, they have responded that they are interested, but I am very certain the boy gives importance to looks alone and not my character or my family.
I said to my parents I am not interested, but they say there won't be another rich family's proposal, so I have to accept it. This is after they know of the character of the boy's father. to my parents I prayed istikhara when I was confused at first and now I'm certain he is not whom I'm looking for in a husband. What shall I to do?
In this counseling answer:
• You can reject the proposal if your heart is not convinced about marrying that particular guy.
• Wealth and a good status is not everything to look for in a marriage. Knowing the potential spouse’s personality, likes and dislikes are also quite important.
• Be sure to set appropriate boundaries with your future husband regarding the interference of your in-laws from the beginning.
Assalamu Alaikum sister,
Thank you for reaching out to us for your query. From your post, I understand that you would like to reject a proposal since you are not convinced by the boy’s family.
Also, you feel that he may not have the qualities you may be looking for in a husband. Your parents are insisting not to reject the proposal since it is a good proposal according to them – the boy has good looks, status and wealth. You have also done your istikhara but are still confused about what to do.
To answer your question simply: the response is yes, you can reject the proposal if your heart is not convinced about marrying that particular guy. Or you could even ask for more time from your parents or the guy’s family to clear your mind about it if you wish.
In Islam, women/girls have a complete say in who they wish to marry.
Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It means that you would be living with that person for the rest of your life, inshallah, and also starting your own family (bear children) with your spouse. So, it is essential that you know the person well enough to establish your new life with him.
You have mentioned that you feel the only values you for your looks but not for who you are as a person and nor your family. I think if he is only interested in you for your looks, then this might not be a good match.
Take some time to assess what he would want from you as a wife in this marriage.
Wealth and Status is Not Everything
While it is true that to have a comfortable life, one should marry a guy of equal financial standing. Yet, wealth and a good status is not everything to look for in a marriage. Knowing the potential spouse’s personality, likes and dislikes are also quite important. Further, entering into a marriage contract without knowing all these things can definitely be a risk.
If your parents insist that you marry the guy, be assertive and let them know that the wealth and status, as well as good looks, are all secondary to a good personality.
Islamic Way of Choosing a Spouse
According to Hadith, Prophet Muhammad said,
“A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be unsuccessful.” [Bukhari]
The same is also true for women who are seeking a husband in Islam. Deen is the basis of everything. If a person is good in following Deen, you can safely assume that he would be God-fearing and will fulfill all his rights and obligations towards you as a wife.
Family Is Important
Sister, you have also mentioned doubts about marrying this particular suitor because you have heard that the guy’s father is very controlling and has issues with his temper. Living in the sub-continent, you are usually expected to move in your in-laws after marriage. If this would be the case in this family, I would advise you to be careful if you marry into this family.
Check out this counseling video:
Be sure to set appropriate boundaries with your husband regarding the interference of your in-laws from the beginning. Too much interference from the in-laws becomes really nagging and difficult to bear. This ultimately would also affect your relationship with your husband, if you are not careful.
Communicate with Your Parents
You have already mentioned that your mother was also offended by the guy since he did not let your brother take any photos of himself while his sister was continuously taking pictures of you. Talk it out, as well as all of your other concerns with your parents. Tell them that it is an important life decision for you and you cannot just take it on a whim, or for the fear that there would be no other good suitors for you. You are still quite young and will definitely have other people who would be interested in you for marriage.
Do Not Worry About the Future
In the Quran, Allah SWT says,
“It is He who created you from a single soul, and made its mate of like nature in order that you might dwell with her in love….” (7:189)
If you feel as though this man is not right for you – do not fear that you may never get someone as good or anyone from a wealthy background. Allah has created a pair for each one of us, and in time you will definitely find him.
If, for instance, he is not as wealthy but more intelligent, or more empathetic, or more God-fearing, I believe it would be a lot better than marrying a wealthy person who does not value you for who you are.
Ask for guidance from Allah
Sister, as you have mentioned, keep seeking help and guidance from Allah to help you make the right decision. Continue doing Istikhara and asking Allah for guidance, InshaAllah. He will pave the way for whatever is in your best interests.
May Allah guide you.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.