We've been friends for over five years and he respects me, my beliefs, and my opinions. We see eye to eye about a lot of fundamental topics and we care deeply for each other. I haven't spoken to him about how I feel because the real issue is that he's Christian and I'm Muslim.
I understand that finding a Muslim man is possible, but I don't see why when I've found someone who can love and respect me like a Muslim man can. And even if I tried, I know from my own family's cultural beliefs, girls befriending guys is awfully taboo and plainly a big no-no.
So finding a Muslim guy who without word getting around just seems like a hassle that's not worth it. But in the case of the one I'm involved with, in no way would my parents allow me to marry him and I don't think I would want to until he accepts Islam.
I also don't think it's fair to ask him to do such a thing if I wouldn't do it for him if he were to ask.
He's not really interested in religion and I don't really know how I'd approach that type of conversation with him. I try to be as honest and forthright about what's right and wrong in Islam because I truly don't want to be involved in a haram relationship.
It's really taken a toll on my mental health and weighs heavily on my heart. I've been trying to read and research as much as I can in order to reach a solutions in which I'm not compromising my faith, but I can't seem to find anything directly speaking on a circumstance like this.
I have happened to come across a few articles from self-labeled 'progressive Muslims' that talk about interfaith marriage, and it seems like this is a very polarizing issue.
So really, I feel more confused than ever. Is it fair to ask him to convert? Am I even in love, or am I just happy to have found a man to honestly and openly talk to who is without the cultural baggage that a Muslim guy would come with?
If it is somehow okay, how would I approach a conversation like that with him or my family?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Feeling like you are heard is a very empowering experience and it is validating.
You do not want a husband who is Muslim by name only.
It would be appropriate asking him to examine Islam and see if it would be a path he feels is right for him.
I would kindly suggest insha’Allah that you do have a conversation with him about the situation.
Most importantly if he was to become Muslim, it should be because he truly loves Allah and believes that Islam is the true path for his life.
Assalam alaykum,
Shokran for writing to us sister. You stated that you are 20 years old and you have a need to confront your feelings for a man that you think you may love.
A Barrier to a Possibly Good Relationship
You stated that you have been friends with this man for 5 years and he has a lot of respect for you, your beliefs, and your opinions. You see eye-to-eye and you care for each other deeply. The problem is, he is a Christian.
Allowable Marriages
Sister obviously you know that you are only allowed to marry a Muslim man. There are many problems that can come up in marriages that are inter-religious. First of all, the children should be raised as Muslim.
Then there is the issue of your husband possibly converting you to Christianity. As well as your marriage will not be seen as valid to Allah according to Islamic scholars. I understand that this is an issue, it is not easy to resolve, and it hurts.
Treated with Respect and Dignity
There are a lot of nice Christian people who are very supportive and some who are not. You happen to find a very nice person who is very supportive and can understand where you come from spiritually and religiously. He seems to respect you as a woman, a human being, and treats you with dignity.
I can imagine it’s refreshing to find someone who understands you and I can see why you would want to be married to one who is balanced, respectful, and honors you.
However, insha’Allah you may want to think more seriously about your relationship with Allah and your practice of Islam. Especially regarding the future. Based on what you said in your question it is evident you love Allah so much, and He loves you sister. I guess that is what propelled you to reach out.
Conflicts in Belief Systems
Sister, you talked about how close you and this guy were. You stated he respects you, your beliefs yet in your question you said that you don’t know how to approach the situation with him in regards to him considering being Muslim. You also stated that he is not interested in religion.
However, if you are that close to him and he has that understanding, talking with him about this subject should not be a hard thing to do. Perhaps you are not as close to him as you think? Or you do not want him to feel you are trying to change him?
Halal: Getting to Know you
I can imagine you feel very confused. On one hand yes, it would be very nice to be able to openly talk with a Muslim brother, however there are reasons that guidelines and restrictions are put in place as you know.
With that said there should be no reason why you cannot meet a Muslim brother and get to know him on the same level. This can be done in a halal way.
Check out this counseling video:
Being Heard and Respected
You indicated you think you love the brother you are talking to now. Perhaps you do or maybe you just think that you do. Perhaps this is the first time in your life you feel like you have been really heard and treated as an equal.
Feeling like you are heard is a very empowering experience and it is validating. However, that is not to say that a Muslim brother will not hear you or validate you in the same way. You just have to find the right one for you.
The One who dedicates Himself to Allah
Sister, you mentioned that he is not religious or spiritual and therefore you feel it inappropriate to ask him to consider being Muslim. Obviously if he was Muslim that would be the only way you could marry him Islamically.
However, I would caution you by also stating that there are people who say they are Muslim, may have been born Muslim, but are not following Islam in their heart. So, as you know, there is more to it than just being Muslim. You do not want a husband who is Muslim by name only.
There are Christian men who do not smoke or drink, do not engage in sinful behaviors and so forth. Then there are some Muslim men who do all those things but are still Muslim. Yet, neither are appropriate.
In the long run, who dedicates themselves to Allah and sincerely strives on that path will have a lot more in common with you and will make a more suitable husband insha’Allah.
Invitation to Study Islam
Sister, by asking him to examine Islam to see if it would be a path he feels is right for him would be appropriate. You are at the stage wherein you need to know where this can go. Perhaps it is Allah working through you to bring him to Islam. We never know unless we offer.
Most importantly if he was to become Muslim, it should be because he truly loves Allah and believes that Islam is the true path for his life. He should not become Muslim just to marry you. I’m sure this is not what you want nor does he.
But, insha’Allah sister offer him the chance to explore Islam for himself before thinking he will automatically reject it. If he is as open minded and accepting as you say, he will study Islam and then decide for himself.
Conversations
Sister I would kindly suggest insha’Allah that you do have a conversation with him about the situation. I am sure that if you are as close as you say, you both can be honest with each other about the situation and move forward.
Whether that means he would be willing to study Islam to learn more about it and possibly take shahada if it is right for him, or the two of you part ways. You also need to ask yourself-if you did marry him and he was not Muslim-would you raise your children as Muslim or Christian?
Would you eventually miss praying alone, going to Islamic events by yourself, fasting in Ramadan alone, celebrating Eid alone, making hajj without your husband? It may become lonely after a while or even cause problems in a marriage. These are a few thoughts you may want to ask yourself in case you may contemplate marriage without a true reversion.
Conclusion
Sister, please make duaa to Allah swt and ask Allah for guidance. Insha’Allah speak with him about learning about Islam and becoming Muslim. If you go that far with him and he does become Muslim there’s no reason why you could not marry him regardless of whether your parents accepted him or not.
As long as he meets Islamic requirements you would be able to marry him with or without their approval. Lastly, if he is not interested in learning about Islam and/or does not find it in his heart as his truth, you really should cut off the relationship, heal, and move forward.
Your relationship with Allah is your first stronghold and your first love. You will be blessed for doing what is right. We wish you the best.
Salam,
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Read More:
https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/understanding-islam/muslim-get-married/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-islam/fiance-convert-islam-marriage/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-islam/can-a-muslim-woman-marry-a-non-muslim-man/