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Parents Are Forcing Me to Marry Someone I Don’t Like

10 August, 2022
Q Salaam Alykum, I live in US. My parents are forcing me to marry someone I don't like. I'm forced engaged with him. I already like someone. Even though I know talking to him was wrong, but he helped me alot and took me out of depression. He used to teach Qur'an before. He also used to give athan, khutbah, and lead jumm'ah in school (he has a good knowledge of deen). He brought me closer to Allah swt and taught me so many things I didn't know about. I started wearing hijab because of him. I'm also doing hifz right now because of him, he motivated me. He helped me with my deen and dunya and we understand each other very well. He told me to stop talking to him so many times because it was wrong and wait for the right time.

We were getting ourselves ready to tell our parents but a few days before that, I got a proposal from Pakistan. I tried to say no to that proposal but my parents didn't listen. Everytime I tried to talk to them, they got mad and my mother started saying hurtful things to me and cursing me. I couldn't do anything but tell them "yeah I'm happy." I clearly wasn't. A day before my engagement when I was in Pakistan, I tried to speak with my mother again and she threatened me that she would throw my return ticket away and leave me in pakistan. She made dua for me to die so that I'll make her life easier. I couldn't do anything but get engaged with him.

When I tried to tell the person I'm engaged with that I'm not happy with this engagement and I was forced, my parents got so mad that they physically abused me. They also tried to kick me out of the house, my dad said you either marry him or get out of the house so i told them yeah I'll marry him. The guy I like and I decided to tell our mothers everything and after telling them, ofc they both denied. My mother is telling me to marry the guy I'm engaged with, take it as a punishment, sacrifice myself, do whatever and think whatever you want but you have to accept him because there's nothing she can do.

She made me talk to him for a few days to show him that I'm "happy" with him. I thought maybe I'd start liking him after I spoke with him. but now I dislike him even more. He promised me he won't tell anyone when I told him I don't like him but he told everyone, that also made me dislike him more than before. After knowing everything, he's ready to marry me which is concerning to me. He also sent me songs and inappropriate emojis which made my heart turn away from him even more. The guy I like never sent me these things and he always respected me.

I want to marry a person who'd lead me and my children towards deen. He's the opposite and I'm scared that if I marry him, it'll lead to arguments and problems which will not only ruin my life, it will ruin my future family. The guy I like said he's ready to take care of me and him financially and he's ready to get nikkah done with me without our parents' agreement. I know if we were to start our own life, we'll be happy but I don't want to be sinful. I don't know if running away with him will make Allah swt upset and I don't want to do that. Currently, we're not talking because we know it's wrong. I'm just making dua for my engagement to end miraculously but I don't know if that will happen. Can I run away with him? hoping that our families will accept us after some time because at the end of the day, they want to see us happy.

Answer

Parents have to understand that no one can be forced to marry against her or his will. Community, family interests, or promises cannot stand before the commands of Allah (SWT).

Especially if there is an alternative proposal by someone righteous who would lead the family towards the deen. 

What can you do in this situation? Check out Sr. Aisha’s answer here.

More counseling answers by Sr. Aisha:

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.